How can one be so stupid to reply in such a dumb insecure way. It's like he was trying to prove himself to the American's that he isn't a bad guy way too hard. I'm not too far from that either, really. I swear I can get myself in a situation that you try to avoid withe a whole heart. But it never seems to truly work, though. Everything shortens and tightens up when it comes. A tense feeling goes down my neck. I can feel it come crushing down like rupturing waves smashing against my skull. It feels so heavy, so dark.
I wanted to be happy but lately I can't seem to be. I feel so depressed, I have no one I can really talk with. Also I hate letting people down so I just wait till the last minute to say I can't do something. It's like I'm turning into Alex. I fear this so much, god wouldn't be so cruel. I love my brother but I am not him. We are very different in many, many ways.
I followed his footsteps every step of the way. We use to spend countless hours playing against one another in basketball. Hours of anger, angst, an anguish for yours truly. At some point around 11 I had caught up with him. I was faster, quicker, higher jumper and could shoot lights out sometimes. That was the first time in my life I knew that I could beat my brother. I kept following him, all the way to college. I was a good little brother, I tried so hard to be because I knew I was pretty rotten when I was young. That year, my senior year high school that is when we both saw each other equals. For the first time I wasn't just little old David. Shit, I'm sure if he hung out with me ever he would end up calling me by my last name. I swear everyone ends up calling me that, even girlfriends.
I don't know what it is but there's something about that last name that sticks with people. I honestly don't know why but people love that name. Suppose I like it. It shows my heritage, it's a little rough sounding though. I'm gonna pass out, if someone actually read this I"m sorry for all the errors.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Night of grandeur disappointment
I thought I knew where I would be this time today, I thought I would be holding her in my arms in her crappy little tiny bed, instead I got no responds. I didn't push envelope, I know. I thought she might be sleeping or something. Afterwards I always wonder though. Maybe I should have called her and asked, I just assumed she didn't feel up to courting me around the campus while she was sick. I hope that is the case. I wonder how she got to the hospital last night. I bet that might be an answer to my problems. Another guy in the picture, it seems to happen all the time with her.
It doesn't threaten me because I know at the end of the day she'll love me over some other guy but she is easily enthralled by random guys. I know she doesn't see me much so I can understand why. Hopefully one day I can see her everyday.
I want her to be my wife one day. I'm almost positive, I know that it's a big leap for my mental psyche but my feelings are pretty adamant. I might be way to drunk to be writing this but I just want to believe in my gut. She is the most special person in the world to me.
Spinnnnnnning..
It doesn't threaten me because I know at the end of the day she'll love me over some other guy but she is easily enthralled by random guys. I know she doesn't see me much so I can understand why. Hopefully one day I can see her everyday.
I want her to be my wife one day. I'm almost positive, I know that it's a big leap for my mental psyche but my feelings are pretty adamant. I might be way to drunk to be writing this but I just want to believe in my gut. She is the most special person in the world to me.
Spinnnnnnning..
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Me getting in trouble
I, acknowledge that on 22nd of
August 2012 omitted/withheld evidence of an investigation with my student
organization, Beta Kappa Chapter of Pi Kappa Phi. I accept the charges that I
broke outlined in our student code of conduct III A. 12, “Making any false
statements or misleading information, including by omission, to University
official or committees.” I have great remorse over the decisions I have made
over the last couple of months and my lack of compliance with the University. I
plead guilty and apologize for the inconvenience that I have brought to the
school, specifically Dr. Robison. I’m willing to take full responsibilities
with my actions and understand the upcoming repercussions.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Late night
I'm back to drinking a whole lot. I know that doesn't come to much of a surprise for some of you, especially the ones that know me of any consequence. I love my whiskey and that was my choice.
So to the meat of everything is that she called me last night, texted me a ton and I hardly gave her any attention. And she freaked out and started worrying that I was ignoring her. I think I know I can play this game better now. Because it's 100% game for her.
It's whatever to be honest, I got my health and my dashing good looks and thats all a guy like me needs. Aviento..
Spinning
So to the meat of everything is that she called me last night, texted me a ton and I hardly gave her any attention. And she freaked out and started worrying that I was ignoring her. I think I know I can play this game better now. Because it's 100% game for her.
It's whatever to be honest, I got my health and my dashing good looks and thats all a guy like me needs. Aviento..
Spinning
Sunday, August 12, 2012
No your right...
I knew we weren't talking, So silly of me to think anything otherwise. Because I always talk to girls on facetime right before I go to sleep or I always go to various places around Atlanta just to see you.
I get what I am, I'm the phone call to get instructions to Atlanta, talk about crazy ex bf with or the one that you only hangout with in groups. I'm your ticket to a fraternity party with your best friend who goes to the same school as me. No, it's very clear what I am, I just needed some validation. Good bye.
I feel like that is the meanest thing I could write to her. I know it's not the right thing to do but do I want to. I know that by typing it would end all chances of ever talking to her again. But you know what I am hurt and I'll admit that. She played with me, again.
I mean why the fuck would she call me her my gf jokingly that one time. And WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE ASK ABOUT DATE NIGHTS AND FORMALS? What a little fucking brat. I honestly don't like her one bit. Not even the slightest. I'm just so upset I ever convince myself that this girl was right for me. She is just a fucking tease. I'm obviously not what she wants, that is why I'm in the friendzone.
I just can't believe she says that crap to me. What the hell else am I suppose to think?? I'm so pissed off right now, this is just some of the biggest shit of my life. I didn't know we were talking, I just thought we were friends. All we fucking did was talk! Do you honestly think I want to be friends with someone who I have feelings for while she doesn't care one bit? I mean she has literally ignored my comments to her. I have to her face told her that I liked her and she says this crap? Don't play dumb. You just wanted to keep talking to me because you felt bad and didn't want to hurt my feelings at all. So you started talking to me less and less and to another guy. But you talked to me just enough not to have my feelings hurt. Just enough for me not to start thinking anything was up.
Now you got caught and your playing dumb. It's ok though, I don't care one bit as long as you are happy, just be happy knowing that I'm no longer your "friend."
NEXT!
I get what I am, I'm the phone call to get instructions to Atlanta, talk about crazy ex bf with or the one that you only hangout with in groups. I'm your ticket to a fraternity party with your best friend who goes to the same school as me. No, it's very clear what I am, I just needed some validation. Good bye.
I feel like that is the meanest thing I could write to her. I know it's not the right thing to do but do I want to. I know that by typing it would end all chances of ever talking to her again. But you know what I am hurt and I'll admit that. She played with me, again.
I mean why the fuck would she call me her my gf jokingly that one time. And WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE ASK ABOUT DATE NIGHTS AND FORMALS? What a little fucking brat. I honestly don't like her one bit. Not even the slightest. I'm just so upset I ever convince myself that this girl was right for me. She is just a fucking tease. I'm obviously not what she wants, that is why I'm in the friendzone.
I just can't believe she says that crap to me. What the hell else am I suppose to think?? I'm so pissed off right now, this is just some of the biggest shit of my life. I didn't know we were talking, I just thought we were friends. All we fucking did was talk! Do you honestly think I want to be friends with someone who I have feelings for while she doesn't care one bit? I mean she has literally ignored my comments to her. I have to her face told her that I liked her and she says this crap? Don't play dumb. You just wanted to keep talking to me because you felt bad and didn't want to hurt my feelings at all. So you started talking to me less and less and to another guy. But you talked to me just enough not to have my feelings hurt. Just enough for me not to start thinking anything was up.
Now you got caught and your playing dumb. It's ok though, I don't care one bit as long as you are happy, just be happy knowing that I'm no longer your "friend."
NEXT!
Friday, August 10, 2012
Good day blogger sphere...
Early morning crickets just going on a chirpin, I don't try to make to much attention of them though. Growing up in Georgia your whole life you get used to all the crickets, even in the city. I never would have thought that I would have lived in the city now going on my 5th year. Half of a decade of my life in this rotten city. Don't get me wrong, I'm the cities number one fan, I truly am. But sometimes the niggers can really just be too much of a damn lousy stereotype. I didn't come to Atlanta saying nigger or talking ill of black men. Actually I was looking in my old childhood bedroom and I have a magazine clipping of Jackie Robinson. It kinda took me back to be perfectly honest. I forgot how much I care about the black race and how anti-racist I was.
Now after living in the city I truly understand the meaning of a nigger. I've come to the conclusion that a nigger and black man are two separate entities. Niggers are thief's, low life's, drug attics, prostitutes, scum of the earth. Black man is educated, has a job, family commitment, and a decent up bringing himself. I know jesus says to love thy brother, or I think he does at least. But how can I love thy brother if I can't even trust him with the rotten 4 dollars in my wallet. Which leads to me my concern in my life..
I need to start thinking about getting a job and to be perfectly honest I don't where the hell I'm gonna be getting one. My brother might end up getting a job for home depot, which I think I could work with one day. They are an extremely strong company, especially within the state of Georgia. The only reason why I want a job is so that I have financial flexibility for the future of my uncreated family. I have the mantra now that I'm trying to do good in school for my future children. I need to make sure that I can take care of my children and that they have a safe house under their heads. I don't think I can live with so much uncertainty in my life. I don't even know what I'm going to do.
I looked into taking grad school classes for N. Georgia. I guess that was back at talking with Bailey. I didn't know that at the time she had been talking with some guy from Alabama. I should have realized. It threw me off to be honest. I though that she was talking to her ex for sometime because I would go such long times without talking to her. But then she started to batmouth her ex so I just assumed that I was in the clear. As soon as I saw the facebook post I knew something was up, and then the last one was the nail in the coffin for me. I had to text her and sadly enough she was too immature to even answer my text message. I cared a lot about her too, it's pretty bogus that she is just going to leave me hanging. I thought she care more about me then that but I guess I was just mistaken.
The problem is that she never want to hurt anyone. She always wants to make people happy. So she played along with me to make me happy. Giving me attention from time to time and doing group events with me. I never realized that I was being put into the friend zone. I know what I'm going to do now. I'm going to text her and it's going to be from the heart. I know that when she looks at me, it's isn't just as a friend. I know that she has feelings for me, it might be waning but I know they are there. Sure, it might be easier for her to date someone younger that her mom approves and someone that is going to be out there in the real world in the next year, while she is just a sophomore. I know these things make it much more complicate. But I also know that smiles at me when I'm not even saying anything special. I know that her body leans to me when we are standing near one another. I know when she hugs me good bye she holds me very close.
It's a shame the way things have turned out the way they have. I thought god was truly looking out for me to be quiet honest. I mean it would make sense. God is looking out for my well being and I thought that I would be most happy while dating Bailey but evidently I was incorrect. Oh well, onward to another, I suppose. I thought that I could really hit the jackpot this time but no matter what, so far, the house wins. I hope one day I find my wife and she will be the luckiest woman in the world. I will treat her so darn good she won't even know what life was like before we ever knew one another. She will be my special woman who I will hold near every night. I just need that chance and it will be perfect. If Bailey would have given it to me should would have never been dissapointed, it's her loss though. She will never know what it feels like to be loved by me.
I'm not sure about the that text message really too much. It's seems like it could have some negative side effects. But I swear that she cares about me. I just can't believe it goes that fast. Though it did with Victoria I reckon, and Ally. Man did I like them too, maybe I'm just too upfront with my feelings and it puts too much pressure on them. I'm not sure but when I hit the right age the pressure I put should work well. If I were to meet Bailey at age 24 for her, 6 years from now she would be a much better match for me. I know that she is much better looking then me but I thought we had a connection that could have been special.
I'm gonna shut this novel off for the night... I feel like not too much sense was made but it sure as hell was a long one.
Spinning way to drunk
Now after living in the city I truly understand the meaning of a nigger. I've come to the conclusion that a nigger and black man are two separate entities. Niggers are thief's, low life's, drug attics, prostitutes, scum of the earth. Black man is educated, has a job, family commitment, and a decent up bringing himself. I know jesus says to love thy brother, or I think he does at least. But how can I love thy brother if I can't even trust him with the rotten 4 dollars in my wallet. Which leads to me my concern in my life..
I need to start thinking about getting a job and to be perfectly honest I don't where the hell I'm gonna be getting one. My brother might end up getting a job for home depot, which I think I could work with one day. They are an extremely strong company, especially within the state of Georgia. The only reason why I want a job is so that I have financial flexibility for the future of my uncreated family. I have the mantra now that I'm trying to do good in school for my future children. I need to make sure that I can take care of my children and that they have a safe house under their heads. I don't think I can live with so much uncertainty in my life. I don't even know what I'm going to do.
I looked into taking grad school classes for N. Georgia. I guess that was back at talking with Bailey. I didn't know that at the time she had been talking with some guy from Alabama. I should have realized. It threw me off to be honest. I though that she was talking to her ex for sometime because I would go such long times without talking to her. But then she started to batmouth her ex so I just assumed that I was in the clear. As soon as I saw the facebook post I knew something was up, and then the last one was the nail in the coffin for me. I had to text her and sadly enough she was too immature to even answer my text message. I cared a lot about her too, it's pretty bogus that she is just going to leave me hanging. I thought she care more about me then that but I guess I was just mistaken.
The problem is that she never want to hurt anyone. She always wants to make people happy. So she played along with me to make me happy. Giving me attention from time to time and doing group events with me. I never realized that I was being put into the friend zone. I know what I'm going to do now. I'm going to text her and it's going to be from the heart. I know that when she looks at me, it's isn't just as a friend. I know that she has feelings for me, it might be waning but I know they are there. Sure, it might be easier for her to date someone younger that her mom approves and someone that is going to be out there in the real world in the next year, while she is just a sophomore. I know these things make it much more complicate. But I also know that smiles at me when I'm not even saying anything special. I know that her body leans to me when we are standing near one another. I know when she hugs me good bye she holds me very close.
It's a shame the way things have turned out the way they have. I thought god was truly looking out for me to be quiet honest. I mean it would make sense. God is looking out for my well being and I thought that I would be most happy while dating Bailey but evidently I was incorrect. Oh well, onward to another, I suppose. I thought that I could really hit the jackpot this time but no matter what, so far, the house wins. I hope one day I find my wife and she will be the luckiest woman in the world. I will treat her so darn good she won't even know what life was like before we ever knew one another. She will be my special woman who I will hold near every night. I just need that chance and it will be perfect. If Bailey would have given it to me should would have never been dissapointed, it's her loss though. She will never know what it feels like to be loved by me.
I'm not sure about the that text message really too much. It's seems like it could have some negative side effects. But I swear that she cares about me. I just can't believe it goes that fast. Though it did with Victoria I reckon, and Ally. Man did I like them too, maybe I'm just too upfront with my feelings and it puts too much pressure on them. I'm not sure but when I hit the right age the pressure I put should work well. If I were to meet Bailey at age 24 for her, 6 years from now she would be a much better match for me. I know that she is much better looking then me but I thought we had a connection that could have been special.
I'm gonna shut this novel off for the night... I feel like not too much sense was made but it sure as hell was a long one.
Spinning way to drunk
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Ramblings
I dropped facebook tonight, maybe a little dramatic but I just don't feel like seeing the social world right now. I'm almost positive this girl I have been talking to has been talking to another guy at the same time. I texted her today regarding the matter and she never texted back. So I guess we know who won her heart.... Oh well. Life goes on. By the way I just took a couple of sleep aid pills so things could be getting interesting in the next 30 mins. I don't turn to drugs to curve any symptoms of me feeling down but right now I don't feel like being part of reality. Sometime it's better living a lie and not being sober for a little.
I'll come with terms on the matter soon. It's probably when she confronts me and is honest. I thought about messaging her best friend today but I realized that I don't want to hear this information from anyone else except Bailey. Anyways if she isn't mature enough, nor care about my feeling enough to let me know what is going on then I guess it just wasn't meant to be to begin with.
Timeout, I'm going to go wash my face, already starting to feel groggy but it could be just the lack of sleep I got last night. Who knows....
Screw it. I don't really need all the glitz and glamour of social media. Everyone and their mother have it these days, including my mom. I don't need to know what my friends are doing at all times. I don't need to know who broke up with who and who is eating where. My friends will still call me and try to hangout with me. And if they don't then I reckon they aren't truly my friends. Plus I have some pretty good friends with me right now, I have my own mental health, which in my opinion is very good, I have Jesus Christ my lord and savior that's not one to really scoff at, and then I have Mark Twain and all the other American classic to read.
It's pathetic the world these days anyways, people read some stupid facebook post about atheism but they don't read some of the greatest writers that have lived thoughts on religion. Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong times. I hate so many things that are wrong with the world these days. Everyone is just taking the shortcuts. They read the spark notes and never read the writer. I love to read, I know it doesn't appear that way with my poor writing and grammar but I truly do.
In high school I used to the read all the time. I think even some years I would read up to 10 books. I'm currently rereading Huck Finn by Mark Twain. Thats not the exact title but these sleeping pills are catching up and honestly I'm loosing focus on what I'm writing about at all. I figure you can understand the reference of him being one of my friends as now. I like Twain's sarcasm a lot and I like his whole philosophy on life because it truly does match mine. I poke fun of people all the time and to be quiet frank I think me and Ole Mark would have been good buddies. I don't know what he did in spare time outside of writing great novels but I can imagine that his thoughts through his writings have to match what he thinks about life in general. I mean that is what I write about.
It's amazing modern science though. These pills are really starting to kick in. My eyes are so heavy right now and I have forgotten to put on my acne cream. Better do that right now.
Where was I? Oh yeah Mark Twain, I'm not exactly sure where I was going with that. My brain is just moving in slow motion now. Can gather my thoughts, I want to go to sleep but at the same time I want to keep on typing. I throw my feelings on this blog all the time but I wanted to get real tonight. Even though I don't know if it's real at all.
So lets go back to the main topic, I changed the title though, it was originally about me dropping facebook but now I just put it as ramblings, which in my opinion, is more appropriate. Any-who, I dropped facebook. I did primarily not to see anymore status updates and crap from Bailey. I just want that out of my life right now, so that I can focus on myself.
I love to live so much. Some people go through life, just going through the motions. My brother I love him till the day I die but his pessimism is going to be the end of him. He doesn't exercise at all because he has bad knees. I haven't even been able to walk the last two months and have lost 20 lbs by eating healthy, sleeping well and lifting weights. I'm living proof to him you don't need to have strong knees to be healthy. He's a great guy though. He just beats himself up too much sometimes. I mean hell, life beats you up enough, you can't do it to yourself all the time or your just going to feel like crap. I think that's the reason why he drinks so much alcohol these days. Guy polishes off a bottle of wine all the time. I don't know what he does back at his place but when he is here he drinks, early even.
I've been down his road before but at a much younger age. I know he wouldn't believe it but I was a little addicted to alcohol. It comes off and on but my freshman year during a period I was and this last spring early may for me. I know it sounds crazy but it does run in my family and I can tell I like it a lot. I try to stay away from the stuff as much as I can. I only do it in social functions or with my roomates now. I would gander this summer I have done it maybe 10 or so times, which this time last summer it would be more around 50 or so. Maybe more. I never kept track but I would drink in streaks of 4-5 days at a time. The worse part about it is that I would wake up in the morning and the drink I was craving wasn't water, it was whiskey, which is my catnip I reckon.
Some people can't shoot the stuff but I have been drinking clear as Andrew Jackson at high noon since I was 16 or 17. I can't really remember nor do the details really matter. Regardless of how much and how long I can, I choose not to do it very much anymore. I at first was doing it to impress Bailey and prove to her I can be a normal person in society. Because outside of the fraternity I doubt most people drink as much as I did. And who am I kidding I drank more then just a couple of people in the fraternity. I guess in some ways I was considered a tank for my size, which is only 160-180 range for the last 20 years.
So I've tried coping with my depression or avoidance of reality with alcohol and I noticed all it truly did was making me even more depressed. So if I'm feeling down, one thing for sure is that I'm not going to drink. I promised myself that my freshman year of college when I would drink half a handle of whiskey a night, god save my liver. Once again note the sleeping pills during my time of despair, which just writing these words made me chuckle because I have little despair.
I learn things everyday, and today I learned that somethings are just not meant to be. In years past I would be broken into little pieces but now I know that things are going to be ok. If God wants me to be with her then he will and if doesn't then doesn't. I'll prove my committment to her one more time but I'm not going to put much stock into it. I don't put too much stock into anyone really.
A couple of weeks ago I went to some church thing with Bailey and one of the pastures said that you can't put your faith in man but you can with god. At the time I'm thinking, I have faith in man, but now more then ever I value my faith with god. He took care of my dad tonight. I know that the procedure was not suppose to be a big deal an all but none the less he was getting cut open. Power could have gone off I don't know, crazy stuff happens. I got down and prayed in my bathroom and thanked God for looking out for my dad today. Everyday he shows himself to me, I just have to listen. Even right now I feel His presence and it's calming. Some people don't believe in this stuff and thats because they never gave it a shot. I gave it a shot and I like it a lot. It's calming to know that someone is out there and He is doing everything He can for me to walk the best path.
I use to be bitter about situations that have recently occurred but now I know that Jesus is here for me. I know that even in my darkest times I have my faith. I might have temporarily lost my faith in man but I'm never going to loose my faith in Him. He just means too much to me now. He brings me solace and I can accept these outcomes better then ever. Eventually one day I'll find my special someone but for now I'm going to find out who my real friends are, keep my faith in god, and read some Mark Twain. And that is enough to make me smile right now, which is what life is all about. I want to spread my happiness to everyone and only bring positive energy to any situation. I want everyone to love life as much as me and be thankful for everything. Thank you God for everything.
Spinning on Sleeping Pills
I'll come with terms on the matter soon. It's probably when she confronts me and is honest. I thought about messaging her best friend today but I realized that I don't want to hear this information from anyone else except Bailey. Anyways if she isn't mature enough, nor care about my feeling enough to let me know what is going on then I guess it just wasn't meant to be to begin with.
Timeout, I'm going to go wash my face, already starting to feel groggy but it could be just the lack of sleep I got last night. Who knows....
Screw it. I don't really need all the glitz and glamour of social media. Everyone and their mother have it these days, including my mom. I don't need to know what my friends are doing at all times. I don't need to know who broke up with who and who is eating where. My friends will still call me and try to hangout with me. And if they don't then I reckon they aren't truly my friends. Plus I have some pretty good friends with me right now, I have my own mental health, which in my opinion is very good, I have Jesus Christ my lord and savior that's not one to really scoff at, and then I have Mark Twain and all the other American classic to read.
It's pathetic the world these days anyways, people read some stupid facebook post about atheism but they don't read some of the greatest writers that have lived thoughts on religion. Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong times. I hate so many things that are wrong with the world these days. Everyone is just taking the shortcuts. They read the spark notes and never read the writer. I love to read, I know it doesn't appear that way with my poor writing and grammar but I truly do.
In high school I used to the read all the time. I think even some years I would read up to 10 books. I'm currently rereading Huck Finn by Mark Twain. Thats not the exact title but these sleeping pills are catching up and honestly I'm loosing focus on what I'm writing about at all. I figure you can understand the reference of him being one of my friends as now. I like Twain's sarcasm a lot and I like his whole philosophy on life because it truly does match mine. I poke fun of people all the time and to be quiet frank I think me and Ole Mark would have been good buddies. I don't know what he did in spare time outside of writing great novels but I can imagine that his thoughts through his writings have to match what he thinks about life in general. I mean that is what I write about.
It's amazing modern science though. These pills are really starting to kick in. My eyes are so heavy right now and I have forgotten to put on my acne cream. Better do that right now.
Where was I? Oh yeah Mark Twain, I'm not exactly sure where I was going with that. My brain is just moving in slow motion now. Can gather my thoughts, I want to go to sleep but at the same time I want to keep on typing. I throw my feelings on this blog all the time but I wanted to get real tonight. Even though I don't know if it's real at all.
So lets go back to the main topic, I changed the title though, it was originally about me dropping facebook but now I just put it as ramblings, which in my opinion, is more appropriate. Any-who, I dropped facebook. I did primarily not to see anymore status updates and crap from Bailey. I just want that out of my life right now, so that I can focus on myself.
I love to live so much. Some people go through life, just going through the motions. My brother I love him till the day I die but his pessimism is going to be the end of him. He doesn't exercise at all because he has bad knees. I haven't even been able to walk the last two months and have lost 20 lbs by eating healthy, sleeping well and lifting weights. I'm living proof to him you don't need to have strong knees to be healthy. He's a great guy though. He just beats himself up too much sometimes. I mean hell, life beats you up enough, you can't do it to yourself all the time or your just going to feel like crap. I think that's the reason why he drinks so much alcohol these days. Guy polishes off a bottle of wine all the time. I don't know what he does back at his place but when he is here he drinks, early even.
I've been down his road before but at a much younger age. I know he wouldn't believe it but I was a little addicted to alcohol. It comes off and on but my freshman year during a period I was and this last spring early may for me. I know it sounds crazy but it does run in my family and I can tell I like it a lot. I try to stay away from the stuff as much as I can. I only do it in social functions or with my roomates now. I would gander this summer I have done it maybe 10 or so times, which this time last summer it would be more around 50 or so. Maybe more. I never kept track but I would drink in streaks of 4-5 days at a time. The worse part about it is that I would wake up in the morning and the drink I was craving wasn't water, it was whiskey, which is my catnip I reckon.
Some people can't shoot the stuff but I have been drinking clear as Andrew Jackson at high noon since I was 16 or 17. I can't really remember nor do the details really matter. Regardless of how much and how long I can, I choose not to do it very much anymore. I at first was doing it to impress Bailey and prove to her I can be a normal person in society. Because outside of the fraternity I doubt most people drink as much as I did. And who am I kidding I drank more then just a couple of people in the fraternity. I guess in some ways I was considered a tank for my size, which is only 160-180 range for the last 20 years.
So I've tried coping with my depression or avoidance of reality with alcohol and I noticed all it truly did was making me even more depressed. So if I'm feeling down, one thing for sure is that I'm not going to drink. I promised myself that my freshman year of college when I would drink half a handle of whiskey a night, god save my liver. Once again note the sleeping pills during my time of despair, which just writing these words made me chuckle because I have little despair.
I learn things everyday, and today I learned that somethings are just not meant to be. In years past I would be broken into little pieces but now I know that things are going to be ok. If God wants me to be with her then he will and if doesn't then doesn't. I'll prove my committment to her one more time but I'm not going to put much stock into it. I don't put too much stock into anyone really.
A couple of weeks ago I went to some church thing with Bailey and one of the pastures said that you can't put your faith in man but you can with god. At the time I'm thinking, I have faith in man, but now more then ever I value my faith with god. He took care of my dad tonight. I know that the procedure was not suppose to be a big deal an all but none the less he was getting cut open. Power could have gone off I don't know, crazy stuff happens. I got down and prayed in my bathroom and thanked God for looking out for my dad today. Everyday he shows himself to me, I just have to listen. Even right now I feel His presence and it's calming. Some people don't believe in this stuff and thats because they never gave it a shot. I gave it a shot and I like it a lot. It's calming to know that someone is out there and He is doing everything He can for me to walk the best path.
I use to be bitter about situations that have recently occurred but now I know that Jesus is here for me. I know that even in my darkest times I have my faith. I might have temporarily lost my faith in man but I'm never going to loose my faith in Him. He just means too much to me now. He brings me solace and I can accept these outcomes better then ever. Eventually one day I'll find my special someone but for now I'm going to find out who my real friends are, keep my faith in god, and read some Mark Twain. And that is enough to make me smile right now, which is what life is all about. I want to spread my happiness to everyone and only bring positive energy to any situation. I want everyone to love life as much as me and be thankful for everything. Thank you God for everything.
Spinning on Sleeping Pills
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Jump back up
Only you can put yourself in the dumps and for me I am pretty darn good at it. I was for a little tonight, I think I'm just more confused but a little disappointed. I won't divulge into the details because I'm probably just being paranoid but part of me thinks I am right. I guess that is what a paranoid guy like me does...
My paranoia is what drives me. It is literally what makes me good at anything. If I loose it then I become mediocre but if I keep it makes me pretty good at something. Sadly this doesn't translate into girls. Thus I have learned that when/if I'm paranoid I need to not listen to it because without a doubt it will do more harm then good.
So, I guess, I'm in the dumps or was. I'm not really sure. I'm trying to process everything but I know that the truth will come out eventually and I have prepared myself. I guess that's the only thing you can do in life sometimes, prepare yourself.
John Wooden once said, "failing to prepare, is preparing to fail." That quote has always resonated with my paranoia. So when I really do care about something, and trust me I don't care about too many things, I prepare myself for the outcomes. I'm going to run my course through this situation but regardless I will be prepared.
Life just can be too hard if you aren't prepared. But this isn't a post about life. This is about jumping back up? I guess, I need to be better with my titles because I just go on tangents on these post that literally not at one point do I highlight though it. So I guess the point of this is that I need to jump back up from earlier bout with depression.
In some ways I'm not depressed at all. I love the direction my life is heading, my knee is getting better though it does hiccup frequently as of now, I did good in summer school, and I'm getting in good shape. So much so that my roommate asked to workout with me this week. I need to start looking for internships and doing a couple things for my new position in the fraternity but outside of that I'm happy with my life.
Things don't always go as plan and you can be prepared for every result but no matter what life throw's you a monkey wrench. My monkey wrench is a beautiful young lady that has been messing with my head for a couple of months for now. Never was I prepared for her, which in some ways makes it great but my head doesn't always enjoy it. One thing I do hope for is that this monkey wrench continues to mess with my head but if it doesn't it will not be the end of my life. I know what I want and will fight for it but as they say it takes two to tango.
Also another poor cliche is that it's better to love and for it to be lost then to never love at all. Even if I'm echoing these sentiment in the near future, I know one thing for sure, that I'm living. And that makes me jump back up.
Spinning
My paranoia is what drives me. It is literally what makes me good at anything. If I loose it then I become mediocre but if I keep it makes me pretty good at something. Sadly this doesn't translate into girls. Thus I have learned that when/if I'm paranoid I need to not listen to it because without a doubt it will do more harm then good.
So, I guess, I'm in the dumps or was. I'm not really sure. I'm trying to process everything but I know that the truth will come out eventually and I have prepared myself. I guess that's the only thing you can do in life sometimes, prepare yourself.
John Wooden once said, "failing to prepare, is preparing to fail." That quote has always resonated with my paranoia. So when I really do care about something, and trust me I don't care about too many things, I prepare myself for the outcomes. I'm going to run my course through this situation but regardless I will be prepared.
Life just can be too hard if you aren't prepared. But this isn't a post about life. This is about jumping back up? I guess, I need to be better with my titles because I just go on tangents on these post that literally not at one point do I highlight though it. So I guess the point of this is that I need to jump back up from earlier bout with depression.
In some ways I'm not depressed at all. I love the direction my life is heading, my knee is getting better though it does hiccup frequently as of now, I did good in summer school, and I'm getting in good shape. So much so that my roommate asked to workout with me this week. I need to start looking for internships and doing a couple things for my new position in the fraternity but outside of that I'm happy with my life.
Things don't always go as plan and you can be prepared for every result but no matter what life throw's you a monkey wrench. My monkey wrench is a beautiful young lady that has been messing with my head for a couple of months for now. Never was I prepared for her, which in some ways makes it great but my head doesn't always enjoy it. One thing I do hope for is that this monkey wrench continues to mess with my head but if it doesn't it will not be the end of my life. I know what I want and will fight for it but as they say it takes two to tango.
Also another poor cliche is that it's better to love and for it to be lost then to never love at all. Even if I'm echoing these sentiment in the near future, I know one thing for sure, that I'm living. And that makes me jump back up.
Spinning
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Been a minute..
So I guess switching up my regimen has made me really inflamed. I need to just cut that out and keep things very basic. Hopefully once I can exercise and get outside more that will lessen the effects of acne. I have a dermatologist appointment on tuesday so I guess some things will be decided.
Thats what has been on the top of my mind for a while now but I think I have things back under control again. Need to keep my water intake high and I think things will be better in the next couple of days.
Talk to Bailey off and on. We went and got ice cream last friday night and I think she had a really good time. At least I hope she did.. Her ex bf really harasses her. I think in some way that is why she doesn't text me all the time. She feels bad for him but at the same time is really starting to regret ever talking to him. Which is good news for me because I was pretty convinced a week ago that she was talking to him again. Hopefully she can steer clear of trouble with him.
I'm so happy about us getting ice cream though, it was really fun. We get along really well, it's really awesome. I can't wait to see her again when ever that might be. Regardless, I know it's going to happen again. I have faith that it will.
Been having trouble thinking about what I need to pray about. I really want to build on my relationship with Jesus. I'm just so clueless about to go about doing it. I'm going to try and attempt to download the bible online again after I'm done. I've read so many books in my life in yet I have never read the bible. It's pretty odd and have wanted to do it for so long, in yet, I always don't ever act upon doing it. I'm gonna try again and if not maybe just see if I can borrow one or something.
I'm just happy that I have accepted that I'm in His hands now. I know his path he paves for me will be great and bring me happiness. I love god.
Thats what has been on the top of my mind for a while now but I think I have things back under control again. Need to keep my water intake high and I think things will be better in the next couple of days.
Talk to Bailey off and on. We went and got ice cream last friday night and I think she had a really good time. At least I hope she did.. Her ex bf really harasses her. I think in some way that is why she doesn't text me all the time. She feels bad for him but at the same time is really starting to regret ever talking to him. Which is good news for me because I was pretty convinced a week ago that she was talking to him again. Hopefully she can steer clear of trouble with him.
I'm so happy about us getting ice cream though, it was really fun. We get along really well, it's really awesome. I can't wait to see her again when ever that might be. Regardless, I know it's going to happen again. I have faith that it will.
Been having trouble thinking about what I need to pray about. I really want to build on my relationship with Jesus. I'm just so clueless about to go about doing it. I'm going to try and attempt to download the bible online again after I'm done. I've read so many books in my life in yet I have never read the bible. It's pretty odd and have wanted to do it for so long, in yet, I always don't ever act upon doing it. I'm gonna try again and if not maybe just see if I can borrow one or something.
I'm just happy that I have accepted that I'm in His hands now. I know his path he paves for me will be great and bring me happiness. I love god.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
When mind gets going...
It takes me to some crazy areas. I constantly think about the same thing all the time and all the different possibilities. Tonight I guess is just another one of these occurrences. We talked last night for an hour and she talks about how she misses me and how she is going to be doing stuff in Atlanta soon and she better see me. I just don't know what to think anymore. Sometimes she is head over heels with me. Like her just staring at me and smiling. I love it when her nose crinkles up. Then next thing I know she's disappeared again.
Tonight she disappeared, I don't know where she went honestly. I texted her, she responds and that's the last I hear from her the whole night. I don't like putting myself out their like this but I feel like everything is so one sided right now. STOP. I need to stop right now.
I guess I really do just type as I go and do very little corrections afterwards. Might be why my blog views is non-existent. Not that I want anyone to be able to find this. Onto my next point, this girl is doing so much to even talk to me a little right now. She has me under a different phone contact because of her mom. Her ex bf literally has been terrorizing her. She has a lot of problems and stress and I need to stop thinking about me and her and realize what she is going through. I think I know what I'm going to pray for tonight.
Sometimes I'm so selfish it makes me disgusted. I'm trying every day to get better. I really am. Sometimes I'm just too big of a cynic for my own good. I really do believe in people and I think they can do good. And behind any misdeed that someone does, they aren't out to hurt anyone. They are purely thinking for what is best for them. I don't hate people like this, I have been a person like this in the past. And to an extent I think everyone is.
There's a fork in the road on every issue. Sometimes they are many different directions but for the sake of simplicity lets make it just two directions. You can either choose selfish evil way or the selfless good way. You find 5 dollars at a friends house on the floor, you pick it up obviously, but then you have a decision to make. Do you stuff it down your pocket or do you hand it to the owner of the house. Personally there isn't a price tag on my integrity and measly 5 bucks is going to make me steal.
Over the entire course of my life I have avoided doing bad things. Drugs, sex, you name it I didn't do it. Even now I have the moments of clarity but they are drowned down by college. Every day I feel like I get closer to the man I want to be. That in itself is a true gift. I'm so happy God has given me direction. I love him and everything he has provided me. He gave me good parents with good values. And gave me the ability to learn these values and use them in real life.
I know I'm not the best person but everyday I'm trying to better myself. I thank god for everything, it's a truly a blessing every day.
Spinning forward
Tonight she disappeared, I don't know where she went honestly. I texted her, she responds and that's the last I hear from her the whole night. I don't like putting myself out their like this but I feel like everything is so one sided right now. STOP. I need to stop right now.
I guess I really do just type as I go and do very little corrections afterwards. Might be why my blog views is non-existent. Not that I want anyone to be able to find this. Onto my next point, this girl is doing so much to even talk to me a little right now. She has me under a different phone contact because of her mom. Her ex bf literally has been terrorizing her. She has a lot of problems and stress and I need to stop thinking about me and her and realize what she is going through. I think I know what I'm going to pray for tonight.
Sometimes I'm so selfish it makes me disgusted. I'm trying every day to get better. I really am. Sometimes I'm just too big of a cynic for my own good. I really do believe in people and I think they can do good. And behind any misdeed that someone does, they aren't out to hurt anyone. They are purely thinking for what is best for them. I don't hate people like this, I have been a person like this in the past. And to an extent I think everyone is.
There's a fork in the road on every issue. Sometimes they are many different directions but for the sake of simplicity lets make it just two directions. You can either choose selfish evil way or the selfless good way. You find 5 dollars at a friends house on the floor, you pick it up obviously, but then you have a decision to make. Do you stuff it down your pocket or do you hand it to the owner of the house. Personally there isn't a price tag on my integrity and measly 5 bucks is going to make me steal.
Over the entire course of my life I have avoided doing bad things. Drugs, sex, you name it I didn't do it. Even now I have the moments of clarity but they are drowned down by college. Every day I feel like I get closer to the man I want to be. That in itself is a true gift. I'm so happy God has given me direction. I love him and everything he has provided me. He gave me good parents with good values. And gave me the ability to learn these values and use them in real life.
I know I'm not the best person but everyday I'm trying to better myself. I thank god for everything, it's a truly a blessing every day.
Spinning forward
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Out of the loop
Even when she talks to me I no longer feel like she is interested. Even if she's the one that contacts me it's like she doesn't care anymore about me. Or she wants to establish a distance from one another. Regardless of what she may or may not be doing it doesn't involve much talking to me. I know I sound like whiner but I just see the difference in the last couple of weeks and months. In may this girl was head over heels for me. In late June she cared for me and missed me. Now I think she no longer has those feelings. It's as if she is distancing herself from me but very slowly so it doesn't hurt her or me at all. That's the way it feels for now. I hope that I'm just overreacting. I mean this girl said less then a month ago she doesn't ever want to stop talking to me and that she cares for me a lot. That's what gives me hope. I just wish I had some idea of what is going on with her.
If god is questioning my love then I won't fail. I haven't come with it all yet but I know I'm pretty sure I might get her flowers for 7/20. Maybe some chocolate. I'm not sure bout the specifics. I just know that I'm not going to give up. She has already made me so much better of a person and I'm just getting to know her. I want to take care of her and make her happy. I just need my chance. I have faith that things will workout, no matter what God will make the right decision for me. I'm confident in that.
Splooped
If god is questioning my love then I won't fail. I haven't come with it all yet but I know I'm pretty sure I might get her flowers for 7/20. Maybe some chocolate. I'm not sure bout the specifics. I just know that I'm not going to give up. She has already made me so much better of a person and I'm just getting to know her. I want to take care of her and make her happy. I just need my chance. I have faith that things will workout, no matter what God will make the right decision for me. I'm confident in that.
Splooped
Signs
I'm not going to go long into this post. I'm super tired, I just want to say that once again god has answered my prayers. Bailey contacted me the first time in days and we talked for a little bit, I'm not sure what she is thinking anymore but I faith in her and God.
I'm more convince then ever the path I'm going is the right one for me. Even though it isn't perfect I'm at peace and have been ever since June 20th. I never would have guessed but this day will go down as the turning point in my life. Things are so much more clear now then they ever have been before.
I'm not a perfect person, I still have some faults but at the end of the day I know that He will forgive me as I have accepted his only son as my lord and savior. I never thought I would utter these words but I can honestly say it keeps me at peace then anything ever before.
I read a quote by C.S. Lewis and this is paraphrased to an extent but regardless I have to end this post with it.
"I view Christianity like the rising of the sun, Not only do I see it but I now see everything else."
I know I have a long ways to go but the direction I am heading is the greatest feeling in the world.
God is good!
Spinning Signs
Monday, July 9, 2012
Optimism settles in
I've been reading over my post and one thing that remains consistent is how uncertain I can be. But through all this uncertainty I have found an abundance of optimism.
With everything going on I remain confident that God will lead me down the right path. I know his plan is better then mine and I can't go on blaming others for my misfortunes or regretting anything.
I use to think that I created my own path but at the end of the he is paving my own road. I simply can just walk down it and be the best person I can be. I know now that all my rough times are gone away. I don't regret the past anymore, I don't fear the future and I now love the present. Every day is a blessing that I am here.
It's almost poetic when you think about it. The years that have gone through that has lead me here. I'm not even talking about my very own life, but my father's, grandfather's, and so on. They are the reason I am here. From what I can tell they were good men. I know my father has taught me so many things. He has taught me a sense of humor, humility and kindness. He didn't have the best childhood and he went out of his way not to be his father. He doesn't talk much about him but I can see the pain on his face when he does. Even though I have never heard him say it, I think that is why it took him so long to get married and have kids. I think in a way, he needed time to lick his own wounds that his father induced, some which took a long time to heal. I'm so thankful though that he did.
Today is the anniversary of my father and mother's marriage. I don't know much about it. It's hardly ever talked around the house and nothing special will be done. Not that I have known of. Sometimes one's failures can be as good of a lesson as his success stories. I know my father isn't perfect and I have been watching very closely to know what to do and not to do.
I love my family, I really do. The love comes from my mom and brother. Both have the biggest hearts you could ever hear. Much bigger then me and my fathers. At least that's the way it appears, they show their emotions more then my father. Who I have never seen shed a tear. I hope to one day be as strong as that.
I haven't seen my brother cry since I was a little kid and he probably hadn't heard me cry in a long time as well but in the last year we both have heard it. His was in person and was too everyone in the family but primarily to me. At the time I was so angry but now I really do appreciate every word he said. I know that I can push buttons sometimes and I'm trying to get better at that, I really am. For me it was talking to him on the phone about my knee. It was the true ending of my childhood innocence. I had told myself all my life I wasn't going to be like my brother and my dad. I wasn't going to hurt my knee like them, I was stronger then them. And though I made it a lot longer then them, my brother was 13 and father 16 when they injured their knee's, eventually genetics gave in and my knee gave out.
That was the only person I broke down too. I didn't even cry when I hurt the knee. I love my brother so much, he is my first best friend but also my first enemy. He's my first hero but also my first loser. I now accept him for who he is and hopefully he does the same for me.
I pray for him and all my family members. I want them do so well and I hope that God hears my prayers. I know I haven't been baptized ever but I have never had a better connection with the Lord. Before I go to sleep in the wee hours of this morning, I will once again pray for my family and all of those who are close to me. I'll pray for my brother to get a job, my mother to gain strength, and my father to be more at peace and relaxed. I'll pray lastly for Bailey and that happiness finds her way. I know God has a different path for all of us and sometimes he test us. I will walk his path with all the love in my heart, for I accept that I am not my father, brother, or anyone else. I am my own man and have only one path to walk. I do not fear the future of this path because I know that God has laid it before me. I hope and pray that she one day as well, will walk alongside with me down the path.
Optimistically Spinning
With everything going on I remain confident that God will lead me down the right path. I know his plan is better then mine and I can't go on blaming others for my misfortunes or regretting anything.
I use to think that I created my own path but at the end of the he is paving my own road. I simply can just walk down it and be the best person I can be. I know now that all my rough times are gone away. I don't regret the past anymore, I don't fear the future and I now love the present. Every day is a blessing that I am here.
It's almost poetic when you think about it. The years that have gone through that has lead me here. I'm not even talking about my very own life, but my father's, grandfather's, and so on. They are the reason I am here. From what I can tell they were good men. I know my father has taught me so many things. He has taught me a sense of humor, humility and kindness. He didn't have the best childhood and he went out of his way not to be his father. He doesn't talk much about him but I can see the pain on his face when he does. Even though I have never heard him say it, I think that is why it took him so long to get married and have kids. I think in a way, he needed time to lick his own wounds that his father induced, some which took a long time to heal. I'm so thankful though that he did.
Today is the anniversary of my father and mother's marriage. I don't know much about it. It's hardly ever talked around the house and nothing special will be done. Not that I have known of. Sometimes one's failures can be as good of a lesson as his success stories. I know my father isn't perfect and I have been watching very closely to know what to do and not to do.
I love my family, I really do. The love comes from my mom and brother. Both have the biggest hearts you could ever hear. Much bigger then me and my fathers. At least that's the way it appears, they show their emotions more then my father. Who I have never seen shed a tear. I hope to one day be as strong as that.
I haven't seen my brother cry since I was a little kid and he probably hadn't heard me cry in a long time as well but in the last year we both have heard it. His was in person and was too everyone in the family but primarily to me. At the time I was so angry but now I really do appreciate every word he said. I know that I can push buttons sometimes and I'm trying to get better at that, I really am. For me it was talking to him on the phone about my knee. It was the true ending of my childhood innocence. I had told myself all my life I wasn't going to be like my brother and my dad. I wasn't going to hurt my knee like them, I was stronger then them. And though I made it a lot longer then them, my brother was 13 and father 16 when they injured their knee's, eventually genetics gave in and my knee gave out.
That was the only person I broke down too. I didn't even cry when I hurt the knee. I love my brother so much, he is my first best friend but also my first enemy. He's my first hero but also my first loser. I now accept him for who he is and hopefully he does the same for me.
I pray for him and all my family members. I want them do so well and I hope that God hears my prayers. I know I haven't been baptized ever but I have never had a better connection with the Lord. Before I go to sleep in the wee hours of this morning, I will once again pray for my family and all of those who are close to me. I'll pray for my brother to get a job, my mother to gain strength, and my father to be more at peace and relaxed. I'll pray lastly for Bailey and that happiness finds her way. I know God has a different path for all of us and sometimes he test us. I will walk his path with all the love in my heart, for I accept that I am not my father, brother, or anyone else. I am my own man and have only one path to walk. I do not fear the future of this path because I know that God has laid it before me. I hope and pray that she one day as well, will walk alongside with me down the path.
Optimistically Spinning
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Just feel like typing
I'm just going to type what comes to my mind, I don't have any plans in editing this or having much of a directions, at least on purpose.
I suppose I'm starting to lose faith in my chances with this girl. I think the whole situation and play it back in my mind. I meet her at party, I remember her name. Start talking to her, next thing I know she is in high school and has a bf. It sounds pretty bizarre but that really just the beginning of it.
I ended up liking her, at first I was doing this purely because, well to put bluntly, I nothing better else to do. She was really cute and pretty and I was lonely and bored. I talked to her for a good month really and during that time we both began to fall for one another. Turns out she was no longer with her ex bf which finally gave me the ok. I went for it and thought I did a good job. I took her out to a braves game, we held hands and kissed on the warm summer night. I remember her skin and how soft it was, I of course, was sweating like a pig. Irish folk don't do well in the summer, at least when it comes to perspiring.
It didn't seem to faze her though and she seemed like she was having a great time. Little did I know that would be the first and last time I kiss her. It was such a bittersweet parting kiss, I could tell she still was upset about the her ex bf. Something was off and then she didn't text me at all afterwards. Next thing I know her ex bf has lost his marbles and is being abusive to her. He takes her phone and makes her write me some mean text saying we can't talk again.
I'm crushed at work back at Turner Field. Just one night ago I was really happy, 24 hours later I'm blown away. I told myself that day, though, that I wasn't going to give up. I still keep telling myself that. I don't want to lose faith in her but it's difficult sometimes, when you never see her.
So that day I marked it down on my calender, 6/20. That would be the next date I try to contact her. I was patient and didn't break myself down. In year past I wouldn't have waited but this time I was careful and precise. 4/20 was the first day we met and on 5/20 we hung out in person again, so I thought this would be really romantic little move. For the time being it was a good move, we talked for a week or so and then once again her ex bf begins to act out and this time he goes off the deep in. This goes on for a couple of days and I don't hear anything from her. We talk on the 4th and a little of the 5 and that is the last I heard from her.
I don't know what to think honestly, I'm really starting to doubt my chances with her. It just seems like it's not going to happen and too many things going against us. She's a lot younger then me, super religious, mom doesn't like me, ex bf going crazy, and it will be long distance. So why do I continue to hope and pray things will workout?
Well to be honest, I believe I am meant to be with her. I know that makes me an idealistic fool but it seems really right. Happiness sinks in when I talk to her, being near her is just a great feeling all the time. I love the sound of her voice and kind smile. She has an aura around her, it seems to make her glow. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met and without any doubt in my mind I want to be with her and make her happy. I want to be their for her all the way if she will let me.
Hoping and praying that things workout...
Spinning.
I suppose I'm starting to lose faith in my chances with this girl. I think the whole situation and play it back in my mind. I meet her at party, I remember her name. Start talking to her, next thing I know she is in high school and has a bf. It sounds pretty bizarre but that really just the beginning of it.
I ended up liking her, at first I was doing this purely because, well to put bluntly, I nothing better else to do. She was really cute and pretty and I was lonely and bored. I talked to her for a good month really and during that time we both began to fall for one another. Turns out she was no longer with her ex bf which finally gave me the ok. I went for it and thought I did a good job. I took her out to a braves game, we held hands and kissed on the warm summer night. I remember her skin and how soft it was, I of course, was sweating like a pig. Irish folk don't do well in the summer, at least when it comes to perspiring.
It didn't seem to faze her though and she seemed like she was having a great time. Little did I know that would be the first and last time I kiss her. It was such a bittersweet parting kiss, I could tell she still was upset about the her ex bf. Something was off and then she didn't text me at all afterwards. Next thing I know her ex bf has lost his marbles and is being abusive to her. He takes her phone and makes her write me some mean text saying we can't talk again.
I'm crushed at work back at Turner Field. Just one night ago I was really happy, 24 hours later I'm blown away. I told myself that day, though, that I wasn't going to give up. I still keep telling myself that. I don't want to lose faith in her but it's difficult sometimes, when you never see her.
So that day I marked it down on my calender, 6/20. That would be the next date I try to contact her. I was patient and didn't break myself down. In year past I wouldn't have waited but this time I was careful and precise. 4/20 was the first day we met and on 5/20 we hung out in person again, so I thought this would be really romantic little move. For the time being it was a good move, we talked for a week or so and then once again her ex bf begins to act out and this time he goes off the deep in. This goes on for a couple of days and I don't hear anything from her. We talk on the 4th and a little of the 5 and that is the last I heard from her.
I don't know what to think honestly, I'm really starting to doubt my chances with her. It just seems like it's not going to happen and too many things going against us. She's a lot younger then me, super religious, mom doesn't like me, ex bf going crazy, and it will be long distance. So why do I continue to hope and pray things will workout?
Well to be honest, I believe I am meant to be with her. I know that makes me an idealistic fool but it seems really right. Happiness sinks in when I talk to her, being near her is just a great feeling all the time. I love the sound of her voice and kind smile. She has an aura around her, it seems to make her glow. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met and without any doubt in my mind I want to be with her and make her happy. I want to be their for her all the way if she will let me.
Hoping and praying that things workout...
Spinning.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
God Bless
God bless everything. I don't know what else to say. I'm so happy all my friends showed up on the 4th, I wish I wasn't as much of a lame duck but I'm still happy. I didn't end up drinking too much today. I might have been drunk but I was nowhere near as drunk as I use to get. And believe it or not but I honestly wish I didn't really drink at all.
I finally heard from Bailey. I have no fear in hiding her name. I love her and was concerned about her but I suppose she is ok. Her ex bf went off the deep end and tried to kill himself in a desperate attempt to get her back. I really do feel bad for the guy but at the end of the day I'm happy Bailey is ok.
I know god is looking out for her and me. All the signs just prove that way. It makes me feel so good inside and hopefully for her as well. She's such a great girl she deserves so much better then what she has gotten out of relationships. If you and her give me the chance lord I will be faithful to her. I will never hurt her and will make her happy, I'm convinced of this lord.
Thank you so much for answering my prayers and love really does overcome so many things. Like I said yesterday, I have so much love in me that I really can't really illustrate or verbalize it. If thats even a word. I'm in love and it's beautiful. I'm so happy right now that she is ok and thankful the lord protected her.
Thank you God for everything you provide for me.
I finally heard from Bailey. I have no fear in hiding her name. I love her and was concerned about her but I suppose she is ok. Her ex bf went off the deep end and tried to kill himself in a desperate attempt to get her back. I really do feel bad for the guy but at the end of the day I'm happy Bailey is ok.
I know god is looking out for her and me. All the signs just prove that way. It makes me feel so good inside and hopefully for her as well. She's such a great girl she deserves so much better then what she has gotten out of relationships. If you and her give me the chance lord I will be faithful to her. I will never hurt her and will make her happy, I'm convinced of this lord.
Thank you so much for answering my prayers and love really does overcome so many things. Like I said yesterday, I have so much love in me that I really can't really illustrate or verbalize it. If thats even a word. I'm in love and it's beautiful. I'm so happy right now that she is ok and thankful the lord protected her.
Thank you God for everything you provide for me.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
4th of July conundrum
The 4th of July is today, even though it doesn't quite seem like it since it's 2 am. I have to wake up in a little more then 6 hours to go see the doctor about my knee. I suppose I have left that out in my earlier post but I dislocated my knee cap exactly 3 weeks ago today. Hopefully in 3 weeks my knee will be for the most part healed over and I can start physical therapy.
Regardless this doesn't solve my true conundrum. The true problem is that I haven't been drunk in almost a month, June 8th was my last time I got drunk. I am proud of this streak and today being our nations birthday it is expected by many to drink copious amounts of alcohol. In fact, I am throwing a party at my place that I guess for the most part I created.
It's more like people expect me to do things like this. They also expect me to drink. I'm worried for a couple of reasons on why I should drink, first and foremost I'm worried that I will re-injure my knee by either getting off balance or doing something entirely too stupid. I'm also worried that I'm going to slip into my old habits. Going a month without alcohol has been a great thing. Me hurting me knee in fact has been a blessing.
At first I was angry and upset about hurting my knee but now I have so much more respect for so many people. First off, people who are handicapped, I have so much respect for you it's unexplainable. What you go through on a daily basis is incomprehensible. I use to look at people who were handicapped in disgust and when I was younger horrified. Now I just feel admiration and respect.
My mother asked me a week after I hurt my knee if I wanted to get a handicap sticker for my car. I thought about it for a little and then came to the conclusion that people who are truly handicapped should have the sticker. My temporary injury doesn't justify taking a handicapped person parking spot and to be honest I would feel awful if I had taken the last spot and someone who was handicapped had to park elsewhere. I think that was the first time when I realized what they have to go through and from there it has blossomed into admiration.
Another reason why me hurting my knee has been a blessing is that it gave me time to sober up. I was so consumed with alcohol and illicit drugs that I was almost in a trance. I couldn't seem to get out of it and it was crippling. After being sober for a month I feel so much better about my mental and physical well being.
I had a lot of hate in my life, especially in the last year. My hate is all gone now and washed away. Some of it has to do with my new relationship with God. I would also like attribute some of it to being sober. Regardless I have such a great feeling of well being! I try to no longer use hateful words and sometimes they slip but I'm learning to hold back from old habits. Everyday I try to make myself better. I don't know if I actually am doing it but my relationship with god and my body has never been more in tuned.
So I probably will drink tomorrow, how drunk I get will be based off how I feel, but I do not plan to slip back into old habits afterwards. I'm so happy where I am in my life and I feel like I'm going a certain direction now.
I still haven't heard from the girl I was talking to and maybe she no longer wishes to talk to me. I could say a bunch of mean things about her and say that she is too immature but then I remember that these are hard times for her. Or at least that is how I perceive them. For all I know she could be back with her boyfriend and if she is then I hope she is happy. I love this girl but at the end of the day I wish her happiness.
Love is a powerful word and for sometime in my life I was afraid to use it for anyone. I am now overwhelmed with love. I will remain patient for her, because I truly believe that I meant to be with her. It might sound crazy but I just know, I have known since the moment that I met her that she was special. She is the reason why I am now going this direction in my life and for that much I love her. I'm so thankful she came into my life and even if she can't be a part of it, I'm still thankful what she has showed me.
Hate had created a hole in my heart and I spread it through my friends and family. Just as I could deliver hate, I plan to deliver love for the rest of my life.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
1 Corinthians 13
Monday, July 2, 2012
Another day passes
I stay patient here, I have nothing else I really can do. Sometimes I get into a deep thought and will let that consume me for an hour or so. At least it feels that way. I'm not really sure if it's that long but it sure as heck feels like it.
I guess my newest hobby among lifting weights is praying. It feels so good and right to do it now. I don't know why I haven't ever made this change in my life. I try not to be selfish. I hate being too selfish and praying about me and more about the people in my life. I make promises to god that I plan to keep.
One thing I have come to realize is that you can't make anyone do anything, you can only simply be the best you can be and hope they accept you. If they don't accept you then that is their loss. I know this sounds cruel but human being can be cruel. I try to maintain some sort of realism when it comes to man. They are so self serving that they lose sight of one another.
I have been attempting to watch this movie the last couple of nights called, "The Great Dictator." Charlie Chaplin is in it and for the most part play his normal role. At the end though-yes I haven't finished the movie but this is a famous scene-he talks about helping out fellow man and that we are the key to our demise and to our salvation. His speech is so moving that I really want to believe every word he says.
I know that man might not always be good but I myself can be. We all have choices we can make. We can choose to eat the cheeseburger, dance, study, work or drink. We also have the choice to believe in His existence. We have the choice to be a good person. I have chosen this path, it has not found me. Quiet the opposite. After 23 years in my life I have found myself.
I love my family, my friends, my religion, and her.
Even though she hasn't talked to me since Saturday, granted it's only been a couple days, I have faith in her. I have faith in Him. I know that He cares about me and that he will lead me down the best path in life. I praise Him and know the He will guide me down the road to salvation. If that means she is in my life, then good, but if not then that is not His plan for me.
I can only follow what I love and for now that is what I plan on doing. I love these things and tend to them like my own garden. Each bit will be treated well and I will watch them flourish.
Spunned
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Your guess is as good as mine
I know I should be sleeping right now but I can't seem to shake it. I know that it's been almost a month since I last updated a lot has happened and I just don't ever feel like talking about things when things aren't too bad. Not that these are necessarily bad times.
I suppose you remember when I said mark your calenders for 6/20? Well I made my move and texted her after about 3 weeks of not talking. She responded saying that she missed me and I was truly happy for the first time in a while. Ever since the first couple of days things have been going back and forth. She's not ready for me and I can tell. She might like me but it's not enough for her to shake her ex bf for good.
The guy has been having a lot of trouble with the breakup and I really do sympathize with him. I know how hard it can be and sometimes you feel like the whole world is just rejecting you, not because they actually are, but your whole world is. This girl is the type that becomes your whole world. She is perfect in every way.
I know this girl, I have the right feelings about her, it's not about anything but making her happy. I really do want that. I think in a good way she makes me a better person. I have been sober for so many days now I have honestly lost count. I know it's been over 3 weeks but those days are really starting to blur together. I have also recently taken up praying.
If you don't know me and I would assume that you don't I have never been the biggest on praying. I have never been much in tuned with God or Jesus but I guess I have a confession to make. On 6/20 I prayed harder then I ever have. I prayed for a lot of things, I prayed for all my family members and all the unfortunate things that happen, but mostly I prayed for her. I prayed that she find happiness and I made a promise to God that I would be not only loyal to her but to him. This really is a new leaf to my life, I fully accept Jesus Christ as my savior and truly believe in god.
God is good. I heard that all my life and now I have put my life in his hands. I know that he will lead me to great things. I know that I have to do work and that he isn't going to make it easy but the path has been laid before me. I know my path includes her. I don't know what it is that makes me so convinced. Perhaps I'm a sucker for things like this but I really believe it.
I really do believe I have changed, it honestly is weird just re-reading my words. It doesn't even really sound like me. But it is, it's the new me. Before I go to sleep tonight I will probably pray, not because I feel like it's the right thing to do, but I think someone is listening to me. The signs have been shown, my brothers is doing a lot better and she has started to talk to me once more. Even though today she hasn't talked to me I know she is there and I know that she cares for me. The same thing can be said about god, even though he doesn't talk back to me, I know he is listening. They're signs everywhere you go, you just have to be looking for Him. I know that if god really wants this to happen then he will let it happen and if this is a test then I'm going to pass it with flying colors. I will not waiver in my faith nor in my love.
These are the words of a changed man, I know that I'm not completely a good soul, I have a lot to atone for. I know at times I might falter but I will regroup with God as my witness. If God does answer my prayers then she shall eventually be mine. I know that I can make her very happy and that I will be good to her for the rest of my life.
Not Really Spinning
I suppose you remember when I said mark your calenders for 6/20? Well I made my move and texted her after about 3 weeks of not talking. She responded saying that she missed me and I was truly happy for the first time in a while. Ever since the first couple of days things have been going back and forth. She's not ready for me and I can tell. She might like me but it's not enough for her to shake her ex bf for good.
The guy has been having a lot of trouble with the breakup and I really do sympathize with him. I know how hard it can be and sometimes you feel like the whole world is just rejecting you, not because they actually are, but your whole world is. This girl is the type that becomes your whole world. She is perfect in every way.
I know this girl, I have the right feelings about her, it's not about anything but making her happy. I really do want that. I think in a good way she makes me a better person. I have been sober for so many days now I have honestly lost count. I know it's been over 3 weeks but those days are really starting to blur together. I have also recently taken up praying.
If you don't know me and I would assume that you don't I have never been the biggest on praying. I have never been much in tuned with God or Jesus but I guess I have a confession to make. On 6/20 I prayed harder then I ever have. I prayed for a lot of things, I prayed for all my family members and all the unfortunate things that happen, but mostly I prayed for her. I prayed that she find happiness and I made a promise to God that I would be not only loyal to her but to him. This really is a new leaf to my life, I fully accept Jesus Christ as my savior and truly believe in god.
God is good. I heard that all my life and now I have put my life in his hands. I know that he will lead me to great things. I know that I have to do work and that he isn't going to make it easy but the path has been laid before me. I know my path includes her. I don't know what it is that makes me so convinced. Perhaps I'm a sucker for things like this but I really believe it.
I really do believe I have changed, it honestly is weird just re-reading my words. It doesn't even really sound like me. But it is, it's the new me. Before I go to sleep tonight I will probably pray, not because I feel like it's the right thing to do, but I think someone is listening to me. The signs have been shown, my brothers is doing a lot better and she has started to talk to me once more. Even though today she hasn't talked to me I know she is there and I know that she cares for me. The same thing can be said about god, even though he doesn't talk back to me, I know he is listening. They're signs everywhere you go, you just have to be looking for Him. I know that if god really wants this to happen then he will let it happen and if this is a test then I'm going to pass it with flying colors. I will not waiver in my faith nor in my love.
These are the words of a changed man, I know that I'm not completely a good soul, I have a lot to atone for. I know at times I might falter but I will regroup with God as my witness. If God does answer my prayers then she shall eventually be mine. I know that I can make her very happy and that I will be good to her for the rest of my life.
Not Really Spinning
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Get me out of here
I want to get out of this area. I hate it here. I'm not finding my future here. I want to transfer and get fuck out of Georgia State. I have nothing for me to stay. I want to get out of this nasty city and meet some real people. I'm so tired of living in the city it disgust me. I don't even live in a good part of the city.
I need to travel and get away from everything too bad summer school is starting again. I guess loosing my most recent girl has really hurt my motivation. Damn, it hasn't even been a week and I miss having someone out there thinking about me. She was perfect and I just couldn't get her. I'm gonna hold on strong and hope that she changes her mind. 6/20 is the date I'm putting on the calender so hopefully it comes together.
Spinning
I need to travel and get away from everything too bad summer school is starting again. I guess loosing my most recent girl has really hurt my motivation. Damn, it hasn't even been a week and I miss having someone out there thinking about me. She was perfect and I just couldn't get her. I'm gonna hold on strong and hope that she changes her mind. 6/20 is the date I'm putting on the calender so hopefully it comes together.
Spinning
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Man I fell for it
As we have come to realize I don't easily date girls unless I have a good thought behind it. I always feel like I can just show the girl I'm a good decent guy and I will win but a lot of times it results in losses. I recently met a girl who just graduated high school. Yes I'm 23 and I know it's a big age gap. She did introduce herself as a student at N. Georgia. So we begin to talk and I begin to like her. At first she was the one that was falling for someone. I could tell early on she liked me.
So 3 days ago she cuts off all loose ends with her ex bf. Then the next day we go on a date to the braves game, next thing I know is she still has feelings for her ex and that I'm the unlucky benefactor of failure. I don't even want to talk about it. I got lead on really badly and then I got screwed. They always say that it's not me but I know it was. If I was good enough then all the other variables would go flying out the window. I can't seem to close well. This girl was beautiful though and probably way out of my league, I just thought she was different and would see me for who I am.
Instead I am once again at the mercy of a female. How they get this upper hand all the time is beyond me. I fucking hate it though. I just want a good person as my gf and thought it was with this one. I was once again, as I have come to accept, failed with a female.
I feel so used and lead on. Confused a little as well. And most sadly optimistic things will be ok, when I know that my chance is over.
Spinning
So 3 days ago she cuts off all loose ends with her ex bf. Then the next day we go on a date to the braves game, next thing I know is she still has feelings for her ex and that I'm the unlucky benefactor of failure. I don't even want to talk about it. I got lead on really badly and then I got screwed. They always say that it's not me but I know it was. If I was good enough then all the other variables would go flying out the window. I can't seem to close well. This girl was beautiful though and probably way out of my league, I just thought she was different and would see me for who I am.
Instead I am once again at the mercy of a female. How they get this upper hand all the time is beyond me. I fucking hate it though. I just want a good person as my gf and thought it was with this one. I was once again, as I have come to accept, failed with a female.
I feel so used and lead on. Confused a little as well. And most sadly optimistic things will be ok, when I know that my chance is over.
Spinning
Friday, March 2, 2012
SB Update
Today is the day I make some big decisions. I haven't been sober in so long that I'm not sure what is right. I could possible feel depressed because of all the alcohol I have consumed. That very well could be the problem. Regardless, I'm going sober till next thursday. Hopefully some sort of clarity will occur during this time. I need to anyways. I have a lot of test next week and if I do well on them then I should solidify good grades for the semester. I think I'm going to really start trying to get in shape too. I have been sorta doing it but it hasn't been consistent. I also need to eat a lot healthier and not so late so I'm done eating past 10 and done eating fast food.
They say the best way to attain your goals is write them down. Well hopefully I can follow through and succeed they aren't too lofty and would be good for my health and life. Last thing I need to do is work on my resume. I'm going to attack that tonight. I want an internship, not this job at Turner Field. I'm going to see what I can get. Whats the point in living if I never go out and get what I want. I'm not going to settle and I'm going to get what I want. This is my life and I'm the only one living it. I need to worry about myself and how I can succeed and be a better person. Right now I don't feel like a good person, so it's time to start changing things. Drinking only on the weekends and getting healthy are now my goals. I want to meet a girl but if that happens it happens. I'm not pressing on anything. I just want to make myself better and I'm sure things will work out. The whole world is out there waiting for me, 1 more year and I'll be their. It's time to make myself better person.
Spinning
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Spring Break
As always I keep moving forward and nothing, especially life, stops. Not much has changed in my life. Girls are girls and I would like to gladly admit that I'm over my ex girlfriend. I had sex with her a couple more times but it is over. I'm done and have moved on. I don't have a girl in my life right now and I don't really know of one. Of course I have had a couple of girls express interested in me but I'm not trying to fuck around. I'm trying to find the right girl.
Months ago I thought that I just needed to have sex and meet some random girl. I have learned a lot about myself now. I don't want to push things, I don't want to settle, I just want to be happy. If I can't do that with any girl around me right now then what difference does it make.
One of my good friends in college just broke up with Fiance, who is my ex's bestfriend. Turns out she had been stealing money from her organization, about 1800. He broke it off because he didn't feel like he could trust her. I told him something the night it happened, I said to him, "Man you are 21 years of age. You have your entire life to live. So this girl ripped your heart out but you know what? Life goes on. You have many years ahead of you and many roads to go down." Obviously I'm better at giving advice when I'm drunk but I really do believe all of that. Life will move on. That is a fact.
So spring has begun and I finally think a new beginning is ready. I'm not sure where it will lead me but I'm excited. Life is full of changes and how I adapt to them will determine success. Success though is not what I'm seeking as I have made it apparent. I want a girl. Not just any girl but my girl and someone I can love and trust.
For some odd reason I think I'm going to meet her soon. Call me crazy, but I just have a gut feeling. Until then I'm just going to keep on keeping on. Got 7 days left of spring break and I'm not going to waste them on stupid blog.
Spinning
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Real Life
I hooked up with my ex gf around early November. Why I did or what motives I'd rather not discuss in this post. I actually will expunge upon this topic later but I have to type this down. I got her pregnant. She miscarried yesterday and emailed me about it.
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