Been a minute..

So I guess switching up my regimen has made me really inflamed. I need to just cut that out and keep things very basic. Hopefully once I can exercise and get outside more that will lessen the effects of acne. I have a dermatologist appointment on tuesday so I guess some things will be decided.

Thats what has been on the top of my mind for a while now but I think I have things back under control again. Need to keep my water intake high and I think things will be better in the next couple of days.

Talk to Bailey off and on. We went and got ice cream last friday night and I think she had a really good time. At least I hope she did.. Her ex bf really harasses her. I think in some way that is why she doesn't text me all the time. She feels bad for him but at the same time is really starting to regret ever talking to him. Which is good news for me because I was pretty convinced a week ago that she was talking to him again. Hopefully she can steer clear of trouble with him.

I'm so happy about us getting ice cream though, it was really fun. We get along really well, it's really awesome. I can't wait to see her again when ever that might be. Regardless, I know it's going to happen again. I have faith that it will.

Been having trouble thinking about what I need to pray about. I really want to build on my relationship with Jesus. I'm just so clueless about to go about doing it. I'm going to try and attempt to download the bible online again after I'm done. I've read so many books in my life in yet I have never read the bible. It's pretty odd and have wanted to do it for so long, in yet, I always don't ever act upon doing it. I'm gonna try again and if not maybe just see if I can borrow one or something.

I'm just happy that I have accepted that I'm in His hands now. I know his path he paves for me will be great and bring me happiness. I love god.

When mind gets going...

It takes me to some crazy areas. I constantly think about the same thing all the time and all the different possibilities. Tonight I guess is just another one of these occurrences. We talked last night for an hour and she talks about how she misses me and how she is going to be doing stuff in Atlanta soon and she better see me. I just don't know what to think anymore. Sometimes she is head over heels with me. Like her just staring at me and smiling. I love it when her nose crinkles up. Then next thing I know she's disappeared again.

Tonight she disappeared, I don't know where she went honestly. I texted her, she responds and that's the last I hear from her the whole night. I don't like putting myself out their like this but I feel like everything is so one sided right now. STOP. I need to stop right now.

I guess I really do just type as I go and do very little corrections afterwards. Might be why my blog views is non-existent. Not that I want anyone to be able to find this. Onto my next point, this girl is doing so much to even talk to me a little right now. She has me under a different phone contact because of her mom. Her ex bf literally has been terrorizing her. She has a lot of problems and stress and I need to stop thinking about me and her and realize what she is going through. I think I know what I'm going to pray for tonight.

Sometimes I'm so selfish it makes me disgusted. I'm trying every day to get better. I really am. Sometimes I'm just too big of a cynic for my own good. I really do believe in people and I think they can do good. And behind any misdeed that someone does, they aren't out to hurt anyone. They are purely thinking for what is best for them. I don't hate people like this, I have been a person like this in the past. And to an extent I think everyone is.

There's a fork in the road on every issue. Sometimes they are many different directions but for the sake of simplicity lets make it just two directions. You can either choose selfish evil way or the selfless good way. You find 5 dollars at a friends house on the floor, you pick it up obviously, but then you have a decision to make. Do you stuff it down your pocket or do you hand it to the owner of the house. Personally there isn't a price tag on my integrity and measly 5 bucks is going to make me steal.

Over the entire course of my life I have avoided doing bad things. Drugs, sex, you name it I didn't do it. Even now I have the moments of clarity but they are drowned down by college. Every day I feel like I get closer to the man I want to be. That in itself is a true gift. I'm so happy God has given me direction. I love him and everything he has provided me. He gave me good parents with good values. And gave me the ability to learn these values and use them in real life.

I know I'm not the best person but everyday I'm trying to better myself. I thank god for everything, it's a truly a blessing every day.

Spinning forward

Out of the loop

Even when she talks to me I no longer feel like she is interested. Even if she's the one that contacts me it's like she doesn't care anymore about me. Or she wants to establish a distance from one another. Regardless of what she may or may not be doing it doesn't involve much talking to me. I know I sound like whiner but I just see the difference in the last couple of weeks and months. In may this girl was head over heels for me. In late June she cared for me and missed me. Now I think she no longer has those feelings. It's as if she is distancing herself from me but very slowly so it doesn't hurt her or me at all. That's the way it feels for now. I hope that I'm just overreacting. I mean this girl said less then a month ago she doesn't ever want to stop talking to me and that she cares for me a lot. That's what gives me hope. I just wish I had some idea of what is going on with her.

If god is questioning my love then I won't fail. I haven't come with it all yet but I know I'm pretty sure I might get her flowers for 7/20. Maybe some chocolate. I'm not sure bout the specifics. I just know that I'm not going to give up. She has already made me so much better of a person and I'm just getting to know her. I want to take care of her and make her happy. I just need my chance. I have faith that things will workout, no matter what God will make the right decision for me. I'm confident in that.

Splooped

Signs

I'm not going to go long into this post. I'm super tired, I just want to say that once again god has answered my prayers. Bailey contacted me the first time in days and we talked for a little bit, I'm not sure what she is thinking anymore but I faith in her and God. 

I'm more convince then ever the path I'm going is the right one for me. Even though it isn't perfect I'm at peace and have been ever since June 20th. I never would have guessed but this day will go down as the turning point in my life. Things are so much more clear now then they ever have been before. 

I'm not a perfect person, I still have some faults but at the end of the day I know that He will forgive me as I have accepted his only son as my lord and savior. I never thought I would utter these words but I can honestly say it keeps me at peace then anything ever before. 

I read a quote by C.S. Lewis and this is paraphrased to an extent but regardless I have to end this post with it. 

"I view Christianity like the rising of the sun, Not only do I see it but I now see everything else."

I know I have a long ways to go but the direction I am heading is the greatest feeling in the world. 

God is good!

Spinning Signs

Optimism settles in

I've been reading over my post and one thing that remains consistent is how uncertain I can be. But through all this uncertainty I have found an abundance of optimism.

With everything going on I remain confident that God will lead me down the right path. I know his plan is better then mine and I can't go on blaming others for my misfortunes or regretting anything.

I use to think that I created my own path but at the end of the he is paving my own road. I simply can just walk down it and be the best person I can be. I know now that all my rough times are gone away. I don't regret the past anymore, I don't fear the future and I now love the present. Every day is a blessing that I am here.

It's almost poetic when you think about it. The years that have gone through that has lead me here. I'm not even talking about my very own life, but my father's, grandfather's, and so on. They are the reason I am here. From what I can tell they were good men. I know my father has taught me so many things. He has taught me a sense of humor, humility and kindness. He didn't have the best childhood and he went out of his way not to be his father. He doesn't talk much about him but I can see the pain on his face when he does. Even though I have never heard him say it, I think that is why it took him so long to get married and have kids. I think in a way, he needed time to lick his own wounds that his father induced, some which took a long time to heal. I'm so thankful though that he did.

Today is the anniversary of my father and mother's marriage. I don't know much about it. It's hardly ever talked around the house and nothing special will be done. Not that I have known of. Sometimes one's failures can be as good of a lesson as his success stories. I know my father isn't perfect and I have been watching very closely to know what to do and not to do.

I love my family, I really do. The love comes from my mom and brother. Both have the biggest hearts you could ever hear. Much bigger then me and my fathers. At least that's the way it appears, they show their emotions more then my father. Who I have never seen shed a tear. I hope to one day be as strong as that.

I haven't seen my brother cry since I was a little kid and he probably hadn't heard me cry in a long time as well but in the last year we both have heard it. His was in person and was too everyone in the family but primarily to me. At the time I was so angry but now I really do appreciate every word he said. I know that I can push buttons sometimes and I'm trying to get better at that, I really am. For me it was talking to him on the phone about my knee. It was the true ending of my childhood innocence. I had told myself all my life I wasn't going to be like my brother and my dad. I wasn't going to hurt my knee like them, I was stronger then them. And though I made it a lot longer then them, my brother was 13 and father 16 when they injured their knee's, eventually genetics gave in and my knee gave out.

That was the only person I broke down too. I didn't even cry when I hurt the knee. I love my brother so much, he is my first best friend but also my first enemy. He's my first hero but also my first loser. I now accept him for who he is and hopefully he does the same for me.

I pray for him and all my family members. I want them do so well and I hope that God hears my prayers. I know I haven't been baptized ever but I have never had a better connection with the Lord. Before I go to sleep in the wee hours of this morning, I will once again pray for my family and all of those who are close to me. I'll pray for my brother to get a job, my mother to gain strength, and my father to be more at peace and relaxed. I'll pray lastly for Bailey and that happiness finds her way. I know God has a different path for all of us and sometimes he test us. I will walk his path with all the love in my heart, for I accept that I am not my father, brother, or anyone else. I am my own man and have only one path to walk. I do not fear the future of this path because I know that God has laid it before me. I hope and pray that she one day as well, will walk alongside with me down the path.

Optimistically Spinning

Just feel like typing

I'm just going to type what comes to my mind, I don't have any plans in editing this or having much of a directions, at least on purpose.

I suppose I'm starting to lose faith in my chances with this girl. I think the whole situation and play it back in my mind. I meet her at party, I remember her name. Start talking to her, next thing I know she is in high school and has a bf. It sounds pretty bizarre but that really just the beginning of it.

I ended up liking her, at first I was doing this purely because, well to put bluntly, I nothing better else to do. She was really cute and pretty and I was lonely and bored. I talked to her for a good month really and during that time we both began to fall for one another. Turns out she was no longer with her ex bf which finally gave me the ok. I went for it and thought I did a good job. I took her out to a braves game, we held hands and kissed on the warm summer night. I remember her skin and how soft it was, I of course, was sweating like a pig. Irish folk don't do well in the summer, at least when it comes to perspiring.

It didn't seem to faze her though and she seemed like she was having a great time. Little did I know that would be the first and last time I kiss her. It was such a bittersweet parting kiss, I could tell she still was upset about the her ex bf. Something was off and then she didn't text me at all afterwards. Next thing I know her ex bf has lost his marbles and is being abusive to her. He takes her phone and makes her write me some mean text saying we can't talk again.

I'm crushed at work back at Turner Field. Just one night ago I was really happy, 24 hours later I'm blown away. I told myself that day, though, that I wasn't going to give up. I still keep telling myself that. I don't want to lose faith in her but it's difficult sometimes, when you never see her.

So that day I marked it down on my calender, 6/20. That would be the next date I try to contact her. I was patient and didn't break myself down. In year past I wouldn't have waited but this time I was careful and precise. 4/20 was the first day we met and on 5/20 we hung out in person again, so I thought this would be really romantic little move.  For the time being it was a good move, we talked for a week or so and then once again her ex bf begins to act out and this time he goes off the deep in. This goes on for a couple of days and I don't hear anything from her. We talk on the 4th and a little of the 5 and that is the last I heard from her.

I don't know what to think honestly, I'm really starting to doubt my chances with her. It just seems like it's not going to happen and too many things going against us. She's a lot younger then me, super religious, mom doesn't like me, ex bf going crazy, and it will be long distance. So why do I continue to hope and pray things will workout?

Well to be honest, I believe I am meant to be with her. I know that makes me an idealistic fool but it seems really right. Happiness sinks in when I talk to her, being near her is just a great feeling all the time. I love the sound of her voice and kind smile. She has an aura around her, it seems to make her glow. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met and without any doubt in my mind I want to be with her and make her happy. I want to be their for her all the way if she will let me.

Hoping and praying that things workout...

Spinning.

God Bless

God bless everything. I don't know what else to say. I'm so happy all my friends showed up on the 4th, I wish I wasn't as much of a lame duck but I'm still happy. I didn't end up drinking too much today. I might have been drunk but I was nowhere near as drunk as I use to get. And believe it or not but I honestly wish I didn't really drink at all.

I finally heard from Bailey. I have no fear in hiding her name. I love her and was concerned about her but I suppose she is ok. Her ex bf went off the deep end and tried to kill himself in a desperate attempt to get her back. I really do feel bad for the guy but at the end of the day I'm happy Bailey is ok.

I know god is looking out for her and me. All the signs just prove that way. It makes me feel so good inside and hopefully for her as well. She's such a great girl she deserves so much better then what she has gotten out of relationships. If you and her give me the chance lord I will be faithful to her. I will never hurt her and will make her happy, I'm convinced of this lord.

Thank you so much for answering my prayers and love really does overcome so many things. Like I said yesterday, I have so much love in me that I really can't really illustrate or verbalize it. If thats even a word. I'm in love and it's beautiful. I'm so happy right now that she is ok and thankful the lord protected her.

Thank you God for everything you provide for me.

4th of July conundrum

The 4th of July is today, even though it doesn't quite seem like it since it's 2 am. I have to wake up in a little more then 6 hours to go see the doctor about my knee. I suppose I have left that out in my earlier post but I dislocated my knee cap exactly 3 weeks ago today. Hopefully in 3 weeks my knee will be for the most part healed over and I can start physical therapy. 

Regardless this doesn't solve my true conundrum. The true problem is that I haven't been drunk in almost a month, June 8th was my last time I got drunk. I am proud of this streak and today being our nations birthday it is expected by many to drink copious amounts of alcohol. In fact, I am throwing a party at my place that I guess for the most part I created. 

It's more like people expect me to do things like this. They also expect me to drink. I'm worried for a couple of reasons on why I should drink, first and foremost I'm worried that I will re-injure my knee by either getting off balance or doing something entirely too stupid. I'm also worried that I'm going to slip into my old habits. Going a month without alcohol has been a great thing. Me hurting me knee in fact has been a blessing. 

At first I was angry and upset about hurting my knee but now I have so much more respect for so many people. First off, people who are handicapped, I have so much respect for you it's unexplainable. What you go through on a daily basis is incomprehensible. I use to look at people who were handicapped in disgust and when I was younger horrified. Now I just feel admiration and respect.

My mother asked me a week after I hurt my knee if I wanted to get a handicap sticker for my car. I thought about it for a little and then came to the conclusion that people who are truly handicapped should have the sticker. My temporary injury doesn't justify taking a handicapped person parking spot and to be honest I would feel awful if I had taken the last spot and someone who was handicapped had to park elsewhere. I think that was the first time when I realized what they have to go through and from there it has blossomed into admiration.

Another reason why me hurting my knee has been a blessing is that it gave me time to sober up. I was so consumed with alcohol and illicit drugs that I was almost in a trance. I couldn't seem to get out of it and it was crippling. After being sober for a month I feel so much better about my mental and physical well being. 

I had a lot of hate in my life, especially in the last year. My hate is all gone now and washed away. Some of it has to do with my new relationship with God. I would also like attribute some of it to being sober. Regardless I have such a great feeling of well being! I try to no longer use hateful words and sometimes they slip but I'm learning to hold back from old habits. Everyday I try to make myself better. I don't know if I actually am doing it but my relationship with god and my body has never been more in tuned. 

So I probably will drink tomorrow, how drunk I get will be based off how I feel, but I do not plan to slip back into old habits afterwards. I'm so happy where I am in my life and I feel like I'm going a certain direction now. 

I still haven't heard from the girl I was talking to and maybe she no longer wishes to talk to me. I could say a bunch of mean things about her and say that she is too immature but then I remember that these are hard times for her. Or at least that is how I perceive them. For all I know she could be back with her boyfriend and if she is then I hope she is happy. I love this girl but at the end of the day I wish her happiness. 

Love is a powerful word and for sometime in my life I was afraid to use it for anyone. I am now overwhelmed with love. I will remain patient for her, because I truly believe that I meant to be with her. It might sound crazy but I just know, I have known since the moment that I met her that she was special. She is the reason why I am now going this direction in my life and for that much I love her. I'm so thankful she came into my life and even if she can't be a part of it, I'm still thankful what she has showed me. 

Hate had created a hole in my heart and I spread it through my friends and family. Just as I could deliver hate, I plan to deliver love for the rest of my life. 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

1 Corinthians 13

Another day passes

I stay patient here, I have nothing else I really can do. Sometimes I get into a deep thought and will let that consume me for an hour or so. At least it feels that way. I'm not really sure if it's that long but it sure as heck feels like it. 

I guess my newest hobby among lifting weights is praying. It feels so good and right to do it now. I don't know why I haven't ever made this change in my life. I try not to be selfish. I hate being too selfish and praying about me and more about the people in my life. I make promises to god that I plan to keep. 

One thing I have come to realize is that you can't make anyone do anything, you can only simply be the best you can be and hope they accept you. If they don't accept you then that is their loss. I know this sounds cruel but human being can be cruel. I try to maintain some sort of realism when it comes to man. They are so self serving that they lose sight of one another. 

I have been attempting to watch this movie the last couple of nights called, "The Great Dictator." Charlie Chaplin is in it and for the most part play his normal role. At the end though-yes I haven't finished the movie but this is a famous scene-he talks about helping out fellow man and that we are the key to our demise and to our salvation. His speech is so moving that I really want to believe every word he says. 

I know that man might not always be good but I myself can be. We all have choices we can make. We can choose to eat the cheeseburger, dance, study, work or drink. We also have the choice to believe in His existence. We have the choice to be a good person. I have chosen this path, it has not found me. Quiet the opposite. After 23 years in my life I have found myself. 

I love my family, my friends, my religion, and her. 

Even though she hasn't talked to me since Saturday, granted it's only been a couple days, I have faith in her. I have faith in Him. I know that He cares about me and that he will lead me down the best path in life. I praise Him and know the He will guide me down the road to salvation. If that means she is in my life, then good, but if not then that is not His plan for me. 

I can only follow what I love and for now that is what I plan on doing. I love these things and tend to them like my own garden. Each bit will be treated well and I will watch them flourish. 

Spunned

Your guess is as good as mine

I know I should be sleeping right now but I can't seem to shake it. I know that it's been almost a month since I last updated a lot has happened and I just don't ever feel like talking about things when things aren't too bad. Not that these are necessarily bad times.

I suppose you remember when I said mark your calenders for 6/20? Well I made my move and texted her after about 3 weeks of not talking. She responded saying that she missed me and I was truly happy for the first time in a while. Ever since the first couple of days things have been going back and forth. She's not ready for me and I can tell. She might like me but it's not enough for her to shake her ex bf for good.

The guy has been having a lot of trouble with the breakup and I really do sympathize with him. I know how hard it can be and sometimes you feel like the whole world is just rejecting you, not because they actually are, but your whole world is. This girl is the type that becomes your whole world. She is perfect in every way.

I know this girl, I have the right feelings about her, it's not about anything but making her happy. I really do want that. I think in a good way she makes me a better person. I have been sober for so many days now I have honestly lost count. I know it's been over 3 weeks but those days are really starting to blur together. I have also recently taken up praying.

If you don't know me and I would assume that you don't I have never been the biggest on praying. I have never been much in tuned with God or Jesus but I guess I have a confession to make. On 6/20 I prayed harder then I ever have. I prayed for a lot of things, I prayed for all my family members and all the unfortunate things that happen, but mostly I prayed for her. I prayed that she find happiness and I made a promise to God that I would be not only loyal to her but to him. This really is a new leaf to my life, I fully accept Jesus Christ as my savior and truly believe in god.

God is good. I heard that all my life and now I have put my life in his hands. I know that he will lead me to great things. I know that I have to do work and that he isn't going to make it easy but the path has been laid before me. I know my path includes her. I don't know what it is that makes me so convinced. Perhaps I'm a sucker for things like this but I really believe it.

I really do believe I have changed, it honestly is weird just re-reading my words. It doesn't even really sound like me. But it is, it's the new me. Before I go to sleep tonight I will probably pray, not because I feel like it's the right thing to do, but I think someone is listening to me. The signs have been shown, my brothers is doing a lot better and she has started to talk to me once more. Even though today she hasn't talked to me I know she is there and I know that she cares for me. The same thing can be said about god, even though he doesn't talk back to me, I know he is listening. They're signs everywhere you go, you just have to be looking for Him. I know that if god really wants this to happen then he will let it happen and if this is a test then I'm going to pass it with flying colors. I will not waiver in my faith nor in my love.

These are the words of a changed man, I know that I'm not completely a good soul, I have a lot to atone for. I know at times I might falter but I will regroup with God as my witness. If God does answer my prayers then she shall eventually be mine. I know that I can make her very happy and that I will be good to her for the rest of my life.

Not Really Spinning