Early morning crickets just going on a chirpin, I don't try to make to much attention of them though. Growing up in Georgia your whole life you get used to all the crickets, even in the city. I never would have thought that I would have lived in the city now going on my 5th year. Half of a decade of my life in this rotten city. Don't get me wrong, I'm the cities number one fan, I truly am. But sometimes the niggers can really just be too much of a damn lousy stereotype. I didn't come to Atlanta saying nigger or talking ill of black men. Actually I was looking in my old childhood bedroom and I have a magazine clipping of Jackie Robinson. It kinda took me back to be perfectly honest. I forgot how much I care about the black race and how anti-racist I was.
Now after living in the city I truly understand the meaning of a nigger. I've come to the conclusion that a nigger and black man are two separate entities. Niggers are thief's, low life's, drug attics, prostitutes, scum of the earth. Black man is educated, has a job, family commitment, and a decent up bringing himself. I know jesus says to love thy brother, or I think he does at least. But how can I love thy brother if I can't even trust him with the rotten 4 dollars in my wallet. Which leads to me my concern in my life..
I need to start thinking about getting a job and to be perfectly honest I don't where the hell I'm gonna be getting one. My brother might end up getting a job for home depot, which I think I could work with one day. They are an extremely strong company, especially within the state of Georgia. The only reason why I want a job is so that I have financial flexibility for the future of my uncreated family. I have the mantra now that I'm trying to do good in school for my future children. I need to make sure that I can take care of my children and that they have a safe house under their heads. I don't think I can live with so much uncertainty in my life. I don't even know what I'm going to do.
I looked into taking grad school classes for N. Georgia. I guess that was back at talking with Bailey. I didn't know that at the time she had been talking with some guy from Alabama. I should have realized. It threw me off to be honest. I though that she was talking to her ex for sometime because I would go such long times without talking to her. But then she started to batmouth her ex so I just assumed that I was in the clear. As soon as I saw the facebook post I knew something was up, and then the last one was the nail in the coffin for me. I had to text her and sadly enough she was too immature to even answer my text message. I cared a lot about her too, it's pretty bogus that she is just going to leave me hanging. I thought she care more about me then that but I guess I was just mistaken.
The problem is that she never want to hurt anyone. She always wants to make people happy. So she played along with me to make me happy. Giving me attention from time to time and doing group events with me. I never realized that I was being put into the friend zone. I know what I'm going to do now. I'm going to text her and it's going to be from the heart. I know that when she looks at me, it's isn't just as a friend. I know that she has feelings for me, it might be waning but I know they are there. Sure, it might be easier for her to date someone younger that her mom approves and someone that is going to be out there in the real world in the next year, while she is just a sophomore. I know these things make it much more complicate. But I also know that smiles at me when I'm not even saying anything special. I know that her body leans to me when we are standing near one another. I know when she hugs me good bye she holds me very close.
It's a shame the way things have turned out the way they have. I thought god was truly looking out for me to be quiet honest. I mean it would make sense. God is looking out for my well being and I thought that I would be most happy while dating Bailey but evidently I was incorrect. Oh well, onward to another, I suppose. I thought that I could really hit the jackpot this time but no matter what, so far, the house wins. I hope one day I find my wife and she will be the luckiest woman in the world. I will treat her so darn good she won't even know what life was like before we ever knew one another. She will be my special woman who I will hold near every night. I just need that chance and it will be perfect. If Bailey would have given it to me should would have never been dissapointed, it's her loss though. She will never know what it feels like to be loved by me.
I'm not sure about the that text message really too much. It's seems like it could have some negative side effects. But I swear that she cares about me. I just can't believe it goes that fast. Though it did with Victoria I reckon, and Ally. Man did I like them too, maybe I'm just too upfront with my feelings and it puts too much pressure on them. I'm not sure but when I hit the right age the pressure I put should work well. If I were to meet Bailey at age 24 for her, 6 years from now she would be a much better match for me. I know that she is much better looking then me but I thought we had a connection that could have been special.
I'm gonna shut this novel off for the night... I feel like not too much sense was made but it sure as hell was a long one.
Spinning way to drunk
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