I'll update you but not tonight, tonight I write drunk

First off, I'm pretty much taking aback by the fact that people at all are reading my blog. Well I'm about to drop the god damn hammer.. My brother is an alcoholic.

I know it sounds bad. We are both emotional drunks, really. I can't stand the fact that he is where he is. Honestly he's so much smarter then me and this isn't this little brother shit. The guy is much smarter then me. SAT, IQ, what have you. It doesn't matter, he could do whatever he wanted. And here he is sitting down the hallway sucking on the pacifier that is adulthood. He is the 30 year old man child you hear about. It's not anything that is his fault, specifically. He is just part of a generation that occurred during a recession and journalism was a dieing degree. I don't know, fuck, he might be throwing up in the bathroom right now.

Has this been happening? Have I fallen asleep? It didn't feel like my eyes were shut. How am I suppose to keep an eye on someone that I use to look up too so much. He's lost responsibility. My god, the poor bustard is throwing up.  It's a horrible position to be in. To love and loathe all at once. I believe so much in the poor sonofabitch but to be honest he just lacks the gumption to sometimes pull through.  The sad truth is that he is so much smarter than me- Did I mention that? But he's marginalized life to be something so minute and miniscule that he has no appreciation. Everything no matter how small can seem very big. All the big things for some reason seem very small. He thinks he has it all figured out. He doesn't.He lies to himself, to everyone. He cheats himself as the days get darker. It's sad, truly. Everything good that has happened in his life, he has destroyed. A self defeating prophecy if you will. I found wine bottles hidden in his room, how sad...

I want to go over to his room right now and beat his ass. It's 8 am, probably the first time we are both awake thinking about the same time since it was Christmas when we were children. Back then it was about presents, now it's about the very balance in his life.

He's out of his room again, pretty sure he didn't sleep all night. I could hear prior rustling in the kitchen. It's about to happen. My parents are about to talk to him. I told them they need to. It's time for him to be confronted. They're fears, his, meeting together. It's time to talk about the future. I wish I could be there. I would do a lot of talking. I first confronted my parents a couple years ago saying he might have a problem. How little did I know. Sadly, my brother's relationship with me is distant an aloof. I'm part to blame but he's bigger. He's never opened up to me once and I have multiple times. Eventually he has to. When he comes to terms with his problems. Never mind, the talk didn't happen. They're afraid. I think we all are. I know I am.

Spinning worried

Not a life Recap

It's been over 4 months since I last wrote something. I don't know what to really say. I feel like the whole world is about to fall on me. I just don't seem to be me anymore. I'm losing who I am. I thought I had good plans in life but in reality I don't have a clue on what I need to do. I have no plans for after graduation, nothing. I'm scared and it's really hitting me hard. I just want to have some certainty in my life but right now I have nothing for sure.

Nothing I do works the whole way. I'm starting to let my anger and anxiety get the best of me. I've repressed it for so long and now it's really hurting. I miss my old girlfriend every day. I'm starting to see the hole that was left and I just can't seem to fill the void. I have no love in my life right now, not just with people but with everything. I'm just going through the motions.

Not even Spinning.