Healing

Like any wound it eventually heals but does that mean you ever regret getting it in the first place? Imagine your running into a brick wall and you know it's going to hurt you but you do it anyway. The scrapes and bruises one gets from the wall are just minor pain but the lasting impression is the scar. I still wonder to this day if I made the right decision. I knew what I was doing would mess me up in yet I did it. I think back and wonder why? I know I wasn't happy with the way things were but at the same time I'm even more unhappy now. Is it because I'm slowly getting depressed?

I thought I had everything sorted out when I broke up with her. It felt awful but I knew in the long run it would be for the best. I'm starting to think otherwise. You never really know what you have till you lost it. Now I'm searching for someone new and it's just not working. I feel like I'm sick most of the time and I know I'm depressed. My mom asked me what the problem was on sunday and everyone makes comments like, "you look tired or whats the matter?" I haven't talked to anyone about this because the one person I have ever trusted my feelings with has been exiled out of my life.

I guess what kills me the most is that I hear she's "hanging" out with one of my fraternity brothers. I don't know what they are doing and honestly I would love never to know. If I could redo the past would I have ever broken up with her? Yes, but would I have remained broken up? That's the million dollar question. I can't change anything that has been done but it doesn't mean that I wonder. I wonder right now if she was on my bed with me and I was studying and watching the game and she was doing likewise. Then we would watch netflix and call it a night, holding each other closely. All the problems we were having for the most part was where I was living and she was. Now I have a car, parking pass, and house. Pretty ironic....

Am I just being pathetic? I broke up with her in late march and it's almost October. It took me so long to realize me missing her. I thought just forgetting her existence would make things better but I really couldn't. Something's missing in my life. Also my acne has been flaring up since around summer time. Which I don't know what to do. The stuff I used to do isn't working anymore. So my self esteem is rocketing downwards too.... When I go into my room I really don't ever want to leave it. I'm too worried what people will think about me. I just want be left alone. The only person that ever made me feel right is now gone. She didn't care about anything, she just loved me. What was I thinking... God I miss her sometimes.

Spinning

Who?

I need to refocus my efforts not on the past but my future. I look to much at what has transpired and not enough what will and at the end of the day only I can make my future. I want to find a girl pretty badly. I'm not going to even be very picky on the matter. I just want something to rely on and hold at night. I don't want to date anyone though and I'm not the type of guy that just can start hooking up with random girls. I'm not good at it and nor do I feel comfortable doing so. Also lately I have been breaking out so I don't feel the most confidence going up to a girl and hitting on her. I don't even like writing about it on here actually...

I need to start looking around or I'll never get better. I'm seriously hung up about my ex and I know it. I just miss her so much right now.... And she'll never know. I hate that she is secretly seeing on of my fraternity brothers. Just makes me feel even more shitty.

Just need to get out there and meet new girls.

Spinning

I can't stop

Wasted Post...

Where do I go next?

All right so I have established that I'm pretty much in neutral right now. Stuck in the mud so to speak. Everything I do I feel like I'm failing. I think people are starting to notice too. A pledge asked me today if everything is ok because I seemed like I was down about something. I don't really even know what I'm down about but it pretty much sucks. I feel like I just can't even move.

Sometimes I imagine just one day leaving school and driving off somewhere and getting away from everything. Like starting a new life with new people and leaving everything behind. I really hate school sometimes and I really hate all this responsibility I have these days. I wish I could just get away from it all and just start over. I feel like I'm not running my life really right now. I'm at this school with people I kinda like but I hate where I'm going. Actually I don't even know where I'm going. I really just want to start brand new. Where would I go though? Moving to South Carolina wouldn't be too bad. I'm sure I could find some work somewhere to start my life off.

I think right now the most important thing in my life is to meet the perfect girl. I really don't care about anything else. I dream about her sometimes and I hope the day comes when I finally get to meet her. I'm trying my hardest to get back into shape again and try looking my best. I want someone to love me so badly it hurts sometimes. I think that is why I miss my ex gf so much. I know one day I'll meet this girl. I just need to get up and stop feeling so sorry for myself. I just have no one to talk to anymore. I tried talking to an ex of mine. Not THE ex but an ex. She went offline though before we could really talk. At least she seemed concerned for me.

I need to start focusing on things in my life to make me better. I need to start running again. I need to stop feeling down on myself. I need to take school more seriously. I need to go out there and be more sociable. I need remain sober throughout the week. I need to be a better person. If I do all those things I'm sure I'll meet a great girl. I'm going to go run right now actually and after that time to hit the books!

Spinning

Where do I go next?

All right so I have established that I'm pretty much in neutral right now. Stuck in the mud so to speak. Everything I do I feel like I'm failing. I think people are starting to notice too. A pledge asked me today if everything is ok because I seemed like I was down about something. I don't really even know what I'm down about but it pretty much sucks. I feel like I just can't even move.

Sometimes I imagine just one day leaving school and driving off somewhere and getting away from everything. Like starting a new life with new people and leaving everything behind. I really hate school sometimes and I really hate all this responsibility I have these days. I wish I could just get away from it all and just start over. I feel like I'm not running my life really right now. I'm at this school with people I kinda like but I hate where I'm going. Actually I don't even know where I'm going. I really just want to start brand new. Where would I go though? Moving to South Carolina wouldn't be too bad. I'm sure I could find some work somewhere to start my life off.

I think right now in my life is to meet the perfect girl. I really don't care about anything else. I dream about her sometimes and I hope the day comes when I finally get to meet her. I'm trying my hardest to get back into shape again and try looking my best. I want someone to love me so badly it hurts sometimes. I think that is why I miss my ex gf so much. I know one day I'll meet this girl. I just need to get up and stop feeling so sorry for myself. I just have no one to talk to anymore. I tried talking to an ex of mine. Not THE ex but an ex. She went offline though before we could really talk. At least she seemed concerned for me.

I need to start focusing on things in my life to make me better. I need to start running again. I need to stop feeling down on myself. I need to take school more seriously. I need to go out there and be more sociable. I need remain sober throughout the week. I need to be a better person. If I do all those things I'm sure I'll meet a great girl.

Another Day

I have the incredible ability to do absolutely nothing in a day when I have so much to do. I woke up today with a mission to really do some serious school work but instead I sit around with my thumb up my butt. Or so it seems. I mean seriously I had 24 hours take a test, an open book at that and only got a 78. Pretty pathetic honestly. Luckily she drops the lowest test grade. Thank god!

On to my second academia that I would say I tackled but more flicked. I have already taken this class but had to drop it so I already had my paper ready to do. I did a little bit of editing that this teacher wanted differently on this paper but for the most part it was done. Here's the kicker though and what has sorta put me in the dumps for the day. I wrote this paper late and was not accepted so I got 0 on the paper and thus dropped the class. Why did I get a zero though? I was spending the night at my ex's house. I had planned on writing the paper that night and she was planning to come down and help me and us watch a movie or something after. She was always really good at helping me with papers and I'm really just crappy at writing. So she comes down but she can't find anywhere to park and starts to freak out and says she is just going back home.

On a side note this was probably the BIGGEST problem in our relationship at the time. She couldn't ever find parking to see me. The stupid thing is that she could have gotten a lofts pass if she pushed for it but she was too afraid of taking the risk. I have that same pass this year and can park whenever I want downtown. Too many times it was a hassle for her to park downtown and she really hated it and it wore on me a lot too. It definitely was a pit fall in our relationship and I would be lying if didn't add stress to a rather fixable situation. Ironically my parents gave me my first car right after we broke up and I got a lofts pass. So much stress have been brought upon our relationship because of my lack of car or her inability to park overnight. To go along with my cartoon sized room in the Greek housing. It was overall just a very rough situation. I digress and will discuss this subject further down my post.

So she says she is going back home and so obviously I had been looking forward to my ex all night so I was pretty determined to be with her. So we drive all the way back to her house which is about 35 mins away. We get to her place and I start to get tired and look at my syllabus to see if I really need to do this paper. I misread it and didn't do it and got a 0. The next day it all comes together and realized what horrible mistake I have done so I write the paper quickly and have my ex edit and email it to my teacher. He doesn't accept it but I still have the paper. So tonight I just opened up the paper and edited it a little and blamo, paper.

It got me thinking about her though again and helpful she was. She really did so much for me. Thinking back to even freshman year, she helped me... no she basically wrote a research paper for my final grade. I got too tired and just passed out. She was my rock and relied on her so much and now I really have nothing. I don't even have anyone to talk to about all of this. I feel like I'm so fucked up inside and I really don't know what to do. I thought I would hate this girl forever but part of me just feels regret. I feel like a quitter sometimes but then I remember how I wasn't very happy at the time when we were dating. Also to go along with the fact that she was going to spend summer working at a camp, I just really didn't understand why I was in the relationship. At the time it was like I was in love with more of a figment of my imagination. Like I would talk and text someone who was not really their. Our sex life was declining which was never a problem before either, and evidently wasn't a problem for her afterwards. I say that in the nicest way possible because I'm just running a very long dry run and I don't even really want to do it right now. At least not with the girls I could do it with...

I actually and shamishly imagine having sex with her sometimes. I loved being with her so much and it was perfect sometimes. I don't know if it's normal when you have sex but me and her would orgasm simultaneously. It was pretty amazing feeling and I felt so close to her when we did it. Now I just day dream about hooking up with her all over again. I really don't have much else to base it off of. She's the only girl I can really vividly having sex with. I loved holding her tight and just thrusting my hips into her, kissing her on the neck as we made love. I don't know how I can have any experience like that again. I guess I'm just real pussy when it comes to this type of stuff. Most guys just have sex and that's that. Maybe it wasn't as good for them as it was for me but I just can't imagine at the time me having sex with some random girl. I mean if a sexy naked girl came into my room and said can we have sex I might actually turn her down. How can you have passion when they're is no emotional investment?

This is my last pathetic admission of the night but this morning I actually dreamed that she came into my bedroom and we had hot romantic sex. Then we cuddled and slept with each other. And sadly enough my friends, I loved it. It was familiar and beautiful.

Well that's all I have for tonight. I'm starting to like putting down pen and ink to my thoughts, so to speak. I honestly expect to keep this up and hopefully I won't be so gloom and doom very soon.

Spinning

Islands

I'm looking at facebook as I type this for the last couple of hours and can't seem to even think of a status. I use to be so creative with my status and would laugh at how funny some of my post would be looking back at them. Now though it seems like I'm at a lost of words. I'm also pretty much loss too. A lot of things have happened since I last posted but I'm still the same right now except much more isolated.

I guess I'll start from where we last left off...

I hooked up with the skank and called my ex girlfriend to let her off the hook. I enjoyed it thoroughly but it was best what happened after that. We talked for another week and invited her to my formal but she ditched me last second and I went with some random hippie girl just to have a date. Turned out being good though because I was in no right mind to start dating someone. The formal was real fun and I got to spend sometime and think about life. In the back in my mind though I kept thinking about her, my ex.

Never was there a more certain thing in my life. I could have married this girl. She once said that when she was around me it was like electricity going through her body. She said I completed her. Having such certainty was a good thing and a bad thing. Since we had been dating I always felt like the relationship was in my hands. Like she unconditionally loved me and would do anything for me. That was awesome but at the same time I feel like something great shouldn't come easy. I never had to work for her to love me. I never had to impress or wow or court her. She loved me and I knew it. So while her love was instant and concrete mine had to be nurtured and brought along slowly. I now know that is the way any healthy relationship should start and I never will go flying in to things ever again.

So I called her about mid may late at night drunk once to talk and I'm pretty sure I told her I messed up and that I wish we were back together. She cried but you could tell from her tone that she wouldn't do it and once again this was a good decision for and her and me. This brings me to a thought that has been eating away with me for a sometime. If I had met my ex now at age 22 would I have married her by age 24? I feel like timing is so crucial in a relationship. I'm starting to get to the age where the "M" word is becoming a thought. I mean I feel like by age 27 or so I will be married but I'm worried I'm going to do it and it won't be the right girl. Like if I just searched a little bit longer I would find an even better girl. I mean how am I seriously suppose to know she is the one? I have loved and I still didn't even know if she was the one. I'm pretty worried that by age 25 I'm going to be dating a girl and I will end up marrying her a year or two later because it's the right time to do it. Not necessarily the right one.

After formal I go back to East Cobb for a month and sink back into old HS friends. It was awesome and it made me forget about everything. Hanging out with old buddies and going to the bars were awesome. I have a pretty fun story about a stripper I met and I had my first one night stand ever. I felt like I needed to have sex after this break up. I mean she had been the only person I have ever had sex with in my entire life. I needed to prove to myself it could be done again.

I met the girl at a bar in East Cobb, never met her before in my life. She was an ex UGA soccer player and starting to become a nurse. I hardly even knew her name but I could tell she was getting into me. She even bought me a couple of drinks. So we go from there to her apartment hangout a little more then she turns and says," ready to go to bed?" We go to her bed and begin to makeout. I initiated everything, hadn't been with a girl in about 2 months and after 2 years of being with a girl all the time I was pretty eager for some intercourse. So everything went to plan and I had sex with her twice that but she was a horrible. She wasn't ugly by any means but not as pretty as my ex. She wasn't very good at sex either. So that's pretty much that, I woke up at 9 am kissed her forehead goodbye and walked back to my car at the bars.

Little did I know that would be the last girl I have been with. I've had a couple of opportunities but I just didn't seem to matter to me. I'm not really sure, I felt good to finally have sex with another girl but at the same time it wasn't a girl that I have feelings for. That feeling has pretty much been stuck in my mind ever since that night with the girl at the bars. I feel like I'm on an island and that I don't really want to leave it. I guess I have left one gushing detail about my summer...

I found out that my ex has been hooking up with one of my fraternity brothers. Apparently it started about 3 weeks after we broke up. Late April early May and was kept secret to me till one of my brothers called me on the phone around June. I was completely and utterly stunned. My heart dropped and I began to tear up. It was like I had officially lost her. It felt like someone has stabbed me. I hated her. Someone who I have loved was now hated and dead to me. I wrote the definition of integrity on her facebook wall and defriended/blocked her. Deleted any semblance of her being in my life. Days would go by and I would feel so uneasy.

So I pretty much have shutdown now and stranded myself on this island. I know I need to get back out there and start talking to girls but at the same time I feel like I'm not ready yet. I'm so tired of being alone but I just don't want force things anymore. I want things to just naturally come to be. So here I am, typing about stuff that have transpired months later still very unsure about my life. I'm pretty comfortable being on this island, even if I'm not always happy. Maybe I can find someone to share this island with....