Ramblings

I dropped facebook tonight, maybe a little dramatic but I just don't feel like seeing the social world right now. I'm almost positive this girl I have been talking to has been talking to another guy at the same time. I texted her today regarding the matter and she never texted back. So I guess we know who won her heart.... Oh well. Life goes on. By the way I just took a couple of sleep aid pills so things could be getting interesting in the next 30 mins. I don't turn to drugs to curve any symptoms of me feeling down but right now I don't feel like being part of reality. Sometime it's better living a lie and not being sober for a little.

I'll come with terms on the matter soon. It's probably when she confronts me and is honest. I thought about messaging her best friend today but I realized that I don't want to hear this information from anyone else except Bailey. Anyways if she isn't mature enough, nor care about my feeling enough to let me know what is going on then I guess it just wasn't meant to be to begin with.

Timeout, I'm going to go wash my face, already starting to feel groggy but it could be just the lack of sleep I got last night. Who knows....

Screw it. I don't really need all the glitz and glamour of social media. Everyone and their mother have it these days, including my mom. I don't need to know what my friends are doing at all times. I don't need to know who broke up with who and who is eating where. My friends will still call me and try to hangout with me. And if they don't then I reckon they aren't truly my friends. Plus I have some pretty good friends with me right now, I have my own mental health, which in my opinion is very good, I have Jesus Christ my lord and savior that's not one to really scoff at, and then I have Mark Twain and all the other American classic to read.

It's pathetic the world these days anyways, people read some stupid facebook post about atheism but they don't read some of the greatest writers that have lived thoughts on religion. Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong times. I hate so many things that are wrong with the world these days. Everyone is just taking the shortcuts. They read the spark notes and never read the writer. I love to read, I know it doesn't appear that way with my poor writing and grammar but I truly do.

In high school I used to the read all the time. I think even some years I would read up to 10 books. I'm currently rereading Huck Finn by Mark Twain. Thats not the exact title but these sleeping pills are catching up and honestly I'm loosing focus on what I'm writing about at all. I figure you can understand the reference of him being one of my friends as now. I like Twain's sarcasm a lot and I like his whole philosophy on life because it truly does match mine. I poke fun of people all the time and to be quiet frank I think me and Ole Mark would have been good buddies. I don't know what he did in spare time outside of writing great novels but I can imagine that his thoughts through his writings have to match what he thinks about life in general. I mean that is what I write about.

It's amazing modern science though. These pills are really starting to kick in. My eyes are so heavy right now and I have forgotten to put on my acne cream. Better do that right now.

Where was I? Oh yeah Mark Twain, I'm not exactly sure where I was going with that. My brain is just moving in slow motion now. Can gather my thoughts, I want to go to sleep but at the same time I want to keep on typing. I throw my feelings on this blog all the time but I wanted to get real tonight. Even though I don't know if it's real at all.

So lets go back to the main topic, I changed the title though, it was originally about me dropping facebook but now I just put it as ramblings, which in my opinion, is more appropriate. Any-who, I dropped facebook. I did primarily not to see anymore status updates and crap from Bailey. I just want that out of my life right now, so that I can focus on myself.

I love to live so much. Some people go through life, just going through the motions. My brother I love him till the day I die but his pessimism is going to be the end of him. He doesn't exercise at all because he has bad knees. I haven't even been able to walk the last two months and have lost 20 lbs by eating healthy, sleeping well and lifting weights. I'm living proof to him you don't need to have strong knees to be healthy. He's a great guy though. He just beats himself up too much sometimes. I mean hell, life beats you up enough, you can't do it to yourself all the time or your just going to feel like crap. I think that's the reason why he drinks so much alcohol these days. Guy polishes off a bottle of wine all the time. I don't know what he does back at his place but when he is here he drinks, early even.

I've been down his road before but at a much younger age. I know he wouldn't believe it but I was a little addicted to alcohol. It comes off and on but my freshman year during a period I was and this last spring early may for me. I know it sounds crazy but it does run in my family and I can tell I like it a lot. I try to stay away from the stuff as much as I can. I only do it in social functions or with my roomates now. I would gander this summer I have done it maybe 10 or so times, which this time last summer it would be more around 50 or so. Maybe more. I never kept track but I would drink in streaks of 4-5 days at a time. The worse part about it is that I would wake up in the morning and the drink I was craving wasn't water, it was whiskey, which is my catnip I reckon.

Some people can't shoot the stuff but I have been drinking clear as Andrew Jackson at high noon since I was 16 or 17. I can't really remember nor do the details really matter. Regardless of how much and how long I can, I choose not to do it very much anymore. I at first was doing it to impress Bailey and prove to her I can be a normal person in society. Because outside of the fraternity I doubt most people drink as much as I did. And who am I kidding I drank more then just a couple of people in the fraternity. I guess in some ways I was considered a tank for my size, which is only 160-180 range for the last 20 years.

So I've tried coping with my depression or avoidance of reality with alcohol and I noticed all it truly did was making me even more depressed. So if I'm feeling down, one thing for sure is that I'm not going to drink. I promised myself that my freshman year of college when I would drink half a handle of whiskey a night, god save my liver. Once again note the sleeping pills during my time of despair, which just writing these words made me chuckle because I have little despair.

I learn things everyday, and today I learned that somethings are just not meant to be. In years past I would be broken into little pieces but now I know that things are going to be ok. If God wants me to be with her then he will and if doesn't then doesn't. I'll prove my committment to her one more time but I'm not going to put much stock into it. I don't put too much stock into anyone really.

A couple of weeks ago I went to some church thing with Bailey and one of the pastures said that you can't put your faith in man but you can with god. At the time I'm thinking, I have faith in man, but now more then ever I value my faith with god. He took care of my dad tonight. I know that the procedure was not suppose to be a big deal an all but none the less he was getting cut open. Power could have gone off I don't know, crazy stuff happens. I got down and prayed in my bathroom and thanked God for looking out for my dad today. Everyday he shows himself to me, I just have to listen. Even right now I feel His presence and it's calming. Some people don't believe in this stuff and thats because they never gave it a shot. I gave it a shot and I like it a lot. It's calming to know that someone is out there and He is doing everything He can for me to walk the best path.

I use to be bitter about situations that have recently occurred but now I know that Jesus is here for me. I know that even in my darkest times I have my faith. I might have temporarily lost my faith in man but I'm never going to loose my faith in Him. He just means too much to me now. He brings me solace and I can accept these outcomes better then ever. Eventually one day I'll find my special someone but for now I'm going to find out who my real friends are, keep my faith in god, and read some Mark Twain. And that is enough to make me smile right now, which is what life is all about. I want to spread my happiness to everyone and only bring positive energy to any situation. I want everyone to love life as much as me and be thankful for everything. Thank you God for everything.

Spinning on Sleeping Pills