I've been reading over my post and one thing that remains consistent is how uncertain I can be. But through all this uncertainty I have found an abundance of optimism.
With everything going on I remain confident that God will lead me down the right path. I know his plan is better then mine and I can't go on blaming others for my misfortunes or regretting anything.
I use to think that I created my own path but at the end of the he is paving my own road. I simply can just walk down it and be the best person I can be. I know now that all my rough times are gone away. I don't regret the past anymore, I don't fear the future and I now love the present. Every day is a blessing that I am here.
It's almost poetic when you think about it. The years that have gone through that has lead me here. I'm not even talking about my very own life, but my father's, grandfather's, and so on. They are the reason I am here. From what I can tell they were good men. I know my father has taught me so many things. He has taught me a sense of humor, humility and kindness. He didn't have the best childhood and he went out of his way not to be his father. He doesn't talk much about him but I can see the pain on his face when he does. Even though I have never heard him say it, I think that is why it took him so long to get married and have kids. I think in a way, he needed time to lick his own wounds that his father induced, some which took a long time to heal. I'm so thankful though that he did.
Today is the anniversary of my father and mother's marriage. I don't know much about it. It's hardly ever talked around the house and nothing special will be done. Not that I have known of. Sometimes one's failures can be as good of a lesson as his success stories. I know my father isn't perfect and I have been watching very closely to know what to do and not to do.
I love my family, I really do. The love comes from my mom and brother. Both have the biggest hearts you could ever hear. Much bigger then me and my fathers. At least that's the way it appears, they show their emotions more then my father. Who I have never seen shed a tear. I hope to one day be as strong as that.
I haven't seen my brother cry since I was a little kid and he probably hadn't heard me cry in a long time as well but in the last year we both have heard it. His was in person and was too everyone in the family but primarily to me. At the time I was so angry but now I really do appreciate every word he said. I know that I can push buttons sometimes and I'm trying to get better at that, I really am. For me it was talking to him on the phone about my knee. It was the true ending of my childhood innocence. I had told myself all my life I wasn't going to be like my brother and my dad. I wasn't going to hurt my knee like them, I was stronger then them. And though I made it a lot longer then them, my brother was 13 and father 16 when they injured their knee's, eventually genetics gave in and my knee gave out.
That was the only person I broke down too. I didn't even cry when I hurt the knee. I love my brother so much, he is my first best friend but also my first enemy. He's my first hero but also my first loser. I now accept him for who he is and hopefully he does the same for me.
I pray for him and all my family members. I want them do so well and I hope that God hears my prayers. I know I haven't been baptized ever but I have never had a better connection with the Lord. Before I go to sleep in the wee hours of this morning, I will once again pray for my family and all of those who are close to me. I'll pray for my brother to get a job, my mother to gain strength, and my father to be more at peace and relaxed. I'll pray lastly for Bailey and that happiness finds her way. I know God has a different path for all of us and sometimes he test us. I will walk his path with all the love in my heart, for I accept that I am not my father, brother, or anyone else. I am my own man and have only one path to walk. I do not fear the future of this path because I know that God has laid it before me. I hope and pray that she one day as well, will walk alongside with me down the path.
Optimistically Spinning
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