The 4th of July is today, even though it doesn't quite seem like it since it's 2 am. I have to wake up in a little more then 6 hours to go see the doctor about my knee. I suppose I have left that out in my earlier post but I dislocated my knee cap exactly 3 weeks ago today. Hopefully in 3 weeks my knee will be for the most part healed over and I can start physical therapy.
Regardless this doesn't solve my true conundrum. The true problem is that I haven't been drunk in almost a month, June 8th was my last time I got drunk. I am proud of this streak and today being our nations birthday it is expected by many to drink copious amounts of alcohol. In fact, I am throwing a party at my place that I guess for the most part I created.
It's more like people expect me to do things like this. They also expect me to drink. I'm worried for a couple of reasons on why I should drink, first and foremost I'm worried that I will re-injure my knee by either getting off balance or doing something entirely too stupid. I'm also worried that I'm going to slip into my old habits. Going a month without alcohol has been a great thing. Me hurting me knee in fact has been a blessing.
At first I was angry and upset about hurting my knee but now I have so much more respect for so many people. First off, people who are handicapped, I have so much respect for you it's unexplainable. What you go through on a daily basis is incomprehensible. I use to look at people who were handicapped in disgust and when I was younger horrified. Now I just feel admiration and respect.
My mother asked me a week after I hurt my knee if I wanted to get a handicap sticker for my car. I thought about it for a little and then came to the conclusion that people who are truly handicapped should have the sticker. My temporary injury doesn't justify taking a handicapped person parking spot and to be honest I would feel awful if I had taken the last spot and someone who was handicapped had to park elsewhere. I think that was the first time when I realized what they have to go through and from there it has blossomed into admiration.
Another reason why me hurting my knee has been a blessing is that it gave me time to sober up. I was so consumed with alcohol and illicit drugs that I was almost in a trance. I couldn't seem to get out of it and it was crippling. After being sober for a month I feel so much better about my mental and physical well being.
I had a lot of hate in my life, especially in the last year. My hate is all gone now and washed away. Some of it has to do with my new relationship with God. I would also like attribute some of it to being sober. Regardless I have such a great feeling of well being! I try to no longer use hateful words and sometimes they slip but I'm learning to hold back from old habits. Everyday I try to make myself better. I don't know if I actually am doing it but my relationship with god and my body has never been more in tuned.
So I probably will drink tomorrow, how drunk I get will be based off how I feel, but I do not plan to slip back into old habits afterwards. I'm so happy where I am in my life and I feel like I'm going a certain direction now.
I still haven't heard from the girl I was talking to and maybe she no longer wishes to talk to me. I could say a bunch of mean things about her and say that she is too immature but then I remember that these are hard times for her. Or at least that is how I perceive them. For all I know she could be back with her boyfriend and if she is then I hope she is happy. I love this girl but at the end of the day I wish her happiness.
Love is a powerful word and for sometime in my life I was afraid to use it for anyone. I am now overwhelmed with love. I will remain patient for her, because I truly believe that I meant to be with her. It might sound crazy but I just know, I have known since the moment that I met her that she was special. She is the reason why I am now going this direction in my life and for that much I love her. I'm so thankful she came into my life and even if she can't be a part of it, I'm still thankful what she has showed me.
Hate had created a hole in my heart and I spread it through my friends and family. Just as I could deliver hate, I plan to deliver love for the rest of my life.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
1 Corinthians 13
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