Who you are

I'm looking at myself in the window at my own reflection and I'm thinking to myself do I think I'm a good person. Obviously the egotistical side of me wants to say yes but a sharp jab in the side makes me question that. I know for a fact that I have done bad to others. I'm not claiming to be perfect but lately I feel very imperfect.

I'm having a big trouble now figuring out what is right and what is wrong. Sometimes I think about my actions and wonder. I know this Sunday I really messed up. I should have been with my family but instead I just hung out with my friends. I'm not proud of it nor do I think it is acceptable. I'm going to regret it for sometime. It's a family tradition to go get the Christmas tree together but I made the whole family put on hole because of my selfishness.

I use a lot of things as a crutch. I used drugs, alcohol, video games, sports, and playing basketball. I suppose some of those things aren't bad it gives some direction but at some points I look at myself and wonder what my parents think? That's when I start to think I might be a bad person. I'm not like some offspring who always like to meet my parent expectations. I know who I am ad I'm going to be that person. What my parents think of me, well they can just get over it. What I do though is compare myself to my parents in another way. I think to myself what would they do if they were in my situation. I know for a fact they would studying their asses off right now instead of writing on some stupid blog that no one reads except me.

I like to tell my friends who get depressed from time to time that one of the most exciting times in life is not knowing what is going to happen next. My mantra right now is make myself better and things will get better around me. I don't know if that will come to be but that is what makes things exciting. I'm 22 years old and have the rest of my life to live. I need to stop focusing on what has transpired and look to the future. Great men have walked this earth, while I wallow in self pity. I'm sure a clear image will come. Or at least someone who I can trust my feelings with.

At the end of the day I'll stop running from my problems until I solve my biggest one. Who am I going to be with for the rest of my life. It's the biggest concern of my life. The older I get the bigger question it'll be. I just want someone I have chemistry with and no baggage. My ex gf had a multitude of problems, like her back, her depression, anorexia, and her innate ability to hookup with my friends or people I know after we break up. One thing though was the chemical bond we had. We got each other but the other variables were just too much for me to spend my life with her. I know it sounds crazy but that all went through my head when we broke up. One day I'll start to focus on a girl again but as of now I just can't seem to find one that fits what I want.

Maybe I'm setting things up too high and I should drop it down a couple of notches. But if that's the case, wouldn't that be settling? I for one don't want to settle in life. I want to live it the fullest. I want to be on my death bed and say that I did the best I could with the time I had. That is who I want to be.

This originally should have been my first post.

3 days before I broke up with my Girlfriend of 2 years

I never would have thought just one year ago what was such a sure thing. The future was murky but one thing was truly constant and that much I was thankful for. Inexplicable things have resulted ill circumstances. What was once a blossomed flower has now died returned into the winter mist. Freshness doesn’t appear to be here. Pain seems to be flowing through my veins pulsating into my heart. It’s a new flavor that I have never tasted before and one I never plan on getting used to. Something that was so perfect has transpired into such an awful thing. Like a burn it breaks into my soul vibrating my very ghost. Never would I have guessed. Never would have even imagined but now I am here in this hole in the middle of my spring of my life. Just 21 I have my youth and many things to look forward too. I don’t know if I ever could love like this again but I have been wrong in the past so I’m sure I’ll be wrong once over. She was my first love and my first I had a sexual encounter with. I clung to her like dew on a rose peddle, eventually though the water does fall off, plummeting to the ground. I feel like I’m dropping like a rock, dropping to the ground. Nothing so perfect did it once appear now feel like despair. I’m broken and hoping that pieces will be fixed but something’s cannot be solved as hard as you try to make them. I hope I am wrong and this is just the cold feet. Maybe I’m reading the writing on the wall all wrong. This is just one thing about life though. Things do not always go as planned. No matter how hard one is to try, something’s cannot be fixed.