Who you are

I'm looking at myself in the window at my own reflection and I'm thinking to myself do I think I'm a good person. Obviously the egotistical side of me wants to say yes but a sharp jab in the side makes me question that. I know for a fact that I have done bad to others. I'm not claiming to be perfect but lately I feel very imperfect.

I'm having a big trouble now figuring out what is right and what is wrong. Sometimes I think about my actions and wonder. I know this Sunday I really messed up. I should have been with my family but instead I just hung out with my friends. I'm not proud of it nor do I think it is acceptable. I'm going to regret it for sometime. It's a family tradition to go get the Christmas tree together but I made the whole family put on hole because of my selfishness.

I use a lot of things as a crutch. I used drugs, alcohol, video games, sports, and playing basketball. I suppose some of those things aren't bad it gives some direction but at some points I look at myself and wonder what my parents think? That's when I start to think I might be a bad person. I'm not like some offspring who always like to meet my parent expectations. I know who I am ad I'm going to be that person. What my parents think of me, well they can just get over it. What I do though is compare myself to my parents in another way. I think to myself what would they do if they were in my situation. I know for a fact they would studying their asses off right now instead of writing on some stupid blog that no one reads except me.

I like to tell my friends who get depressed from time to time that one of the most exciting times in life is not knowing what is going to happen next. My mantra right now is make myself better and things will get better around me. I don't know if that will come to be but that is what makes things exciting. I'm 22 years old and have the rest of my life to live. I need to stop focusing on what has transpired and look to the future. Great men have walked this earth, while I wallow in self pity. I'm sure a clear image will come. Or at least someone who I can trust my feelings with.

At the end of the day I'll stop running from my problems until I solve my biggest one. Who am I going to be with for the rest of my life. It's the biggest concern of my life. The older I get the bigger question it'll be. I just want someone I have chemistry with and no baggage. My ex gf had a multitude of problems, like her back, her depression, anorexia, and her innate ability to hookup with my friends or people I know after we break up. One thing though was the chemical bond we had. We got each other but the other variables were just too much for me to spend my life with her. I know it sounds crazy but that all went through my head when we broke up. One day I'll start to focus on a girl again but as of now I just can't seem to find one that fits what I want.

Maybe I'm setting things up too high and I should drop it down a couple of notches. But if that's the case, wouldn't that be settling? I for one don't want to settle in life. I want to live it the fullest. I want to be on my death bed and say that I did the best I could with the time I had. That is who I want to be.

This originally should have been my first post.

3 days before I broke up with my Girlfriend of 2 years

I never would have thought just one year ago what was such a sure thing. The future was murky but one thing was truly constant and that much I was thankful for. Inexplicable things have resulted ill circumstances. What was once a blossomed flower has now died returned into the winter mist. Freshness doesn’t appear to be here. Pain seems to be flowing through my veins pulsating into my heart. It’s a new flavor that I have never tasted before and one I never plan on getting used to. Something that was so perfect has transpired into such an awful thing. Like a burn it breaks into my soul vibrating my very ghost. Never would I have guessed. Never would have even imagined but now I am here in this hole in the middle of my spring of my life. Just 21 I have my youth and many things to look forward too. I don’t know if I ever could love like this again but I have been wrong in the past so I’m sure I’ll be wrong once over. She was my first love and my first I had a sexual encounter with. I clung to her like dew on a rose peddle, eventually though the water does fall off, plummeting to the ground. I feel like I’m dropping like a rock, dropping to the ground. Nothing so perfect did it once appear now feel like despair. I’m broken and hoping that pieces will be fixed but something’s cannot be solved as hard as you try to make them. I hope I am wrong and this is just the cold feet. Maybe I’m reading the writing on the wall all wrong. This is just one thing about life though. Things do not always go as planned. No matter how hard one is to try, something’s cannot be fixed.

Old me is coming out

I got high tonight instead of studying for a test so now I'm about to pass out and wake up early and study. I'm super sleepy anyways. And why may you ask my friends? Well your old boy spent all last night talking to his ex gf.

A rare move indeed with a rather interesting twist. She apparently cut things off with my bro and I would be lying to you my friends if I was elated with joy. Explains why the old bastard didn't say a word to me all weekend. Must have some pretty sour grapes at me. I hope it stings for a while, finding a rebound girl is pretty slimey in my humble opinion. I don't claim to be perfect though either. I just don't take advantage of girls when they are vulnerable.

Spilling my heart out was only suppose to be done through this but instead I did it on the phone. I didn't do it in full but I got pretty dang close. I just miss being near her sometimes and I broke down last night. Been emailing her off and on all day since too. I know it's bad but if feels pretty good. Part of me wants to run to her so bad but the other part just wants more space.

I love having all this space now but I really do miss the days of having her near me. She's a lover and I'm a runner and we go round and round. I can't really help it either. Sometimes I'm so close to going back but I just can't seem to do it. Being friends are whats best for now. We'll see what comes of this. A bed can be a very lonely place.

Spinning

Dreaming

I really can't even honestly give you an answer. I feel like I should but I really can't. I don't want to do anything right now. I'm just lying in bed doing nothing. This weekend was suppose to be fun and it was but it could have been better.

I just keep on realizing what I have lost every day. It comes in different ways. Different things remind me. This weekend it was seeing the guy she was fucking all the time. I will say this, I think he finally gets the picture we aren't friends. He no longer pretends it at least. I'm not sure at what point do you think you fucking my ex would make you my friend still. Let alone the fact that I'm the reason you know her and also the fact that you keep it a secret from everyone. I was amazed at how little people know about them.

I finally talked to a couple of guys about it my pledge class. They all told me fuck that girl and fuck that bro too. They are probably right honestly but that just gets me thinking even more. I feel so shitty right now because of all this. Would have it been better to stay with this girl. I definitely would be more happy right now if I was with her. Would she be happier?

I just don't know. I just know that so many things remind me of her it kills sometimes. I could almost say practically anything. I dream about her. I imagine her sleeping with me. Imagine holding her and kissing her. At the end of the day though it's all just a memory. You never really know what you have till you lose it. And in this case it's all my fault. I am the device of my own suffering. She didn't help though. I can now honestly say that if she just didn't hookup with someone I know while we were broken up I would be with her right now. I would have tried my hardest to get her back. I know it's pathetic but it's true.

At the end of the day she did though and I really don't know what to even do. It's like I'm stuck in this horrible place and I can't get out of it. I feel like I'm being suffocated. All I want is for her to walk through this bed room door. Alas it'll never happen, so the dreams will continue and that is what they will ever be.

Spinning

Rusty

Trust is starting to become a big issue in my life. People that I invest emotion to is a big deal. I use to trust mostly anyone but lately that seems to change. People say things and will do something else. Or they'll just go behind your backs and never talk to you about it. I've been hurt from time to time in my life and that has left me much more skeptical about if there is good in man.

I'm not saint nor do I pretend to be. I do manipulate people from time to time and I get the most out of something if I can. I can get into people's heads and really get them angry or hate me. It's not a talent I'm proud of because it definitely leads to relationship issues. I do most things because I want to see a reaction though. I'm mean to someone so they step up and be mean back to me. Ignore someone to see if they give me attention. I'm sarcastic to someone who is serious.

People who are legit stiffs are what really get me going. Some people just go about life feeling like that if they don't do this they won't be happy. I'm pretty sure being happy is how you make it and the people around you do that. A couple years ago I made it my job to make my fraternity better. I went out there rushed my butt off and got some solid guys. Then I got more and in turn those guys got more solid guys. Next thing I know I'm in the best fraternity on campus. It wasn't just me but I'm responsible for close half the chapter in joining the fraternity. No one else can say that in this fraternity. I'm proud of it because I seeked better people around me and I got it. Durward Owen once said, "Great men surround themselves with greater men." Thats what I want to do all my life.

Hopefully these men are the type of guys I can trust though. I'm not gonna just throw my emotions at everyone because they will hurt you. For certain. Not everyone is responsible enough nor care about someone to realize what they can do to someone. I think they are good people in this world and at the end of the day I would like to think I'm on the greener side of the fence. I might say somethings that are mean but I'll never actually do anything mean. I lookout for my friends and trust them to do the same. I think at some points I might care more about them then they care about me but I'm sure it fluctuates. I need more rocks in my life, people who I can trust to talk to. I don't have many of those and it's an effort to do so. Maybe my newest rock will be a girl, who knows. Just gotta make sure to look under each one to make sure they are right.

Spinning

A couple of days ago...

I got yucky all over the place. It was a pajama party so naturally I dress up like John Belushi from animal house. Had the dress shirt under and college sweater over. So back to the yucky factor. I got really fucked up and drank close to a liter of Southern Comfort and a 40 oz. So I finish all my booze and just wonder into the dance floor and next thing I know I'm grinding up again this blond. I don't know her name or anything, hell I couldn't even tell if she was hot. Next thing I know I'm making out with her on the dance floor of the house. Like hardcore making out and grinding. We do that for like 15-20 mins and all of sudden it just kinda of ended. I was really drunk so my ability to close on the situation was pretty poor. None the less I finally got with a girl even if it was high school shit.

So I go from there to here, not literally here because I'm on the can, but I think you get what I'm saying. Do I go after this girl now or not. I didn't even know her name, someone had to tell me. Hell I didn't even know she was good looking till a brother said she was cute. Her ass was awesome, I know that. Back to the main point though, how would I best go about getting with this girl or should I? I feel like if I just start talking to her she'll realize it was me but I'm not really sure. I wouldn't have known if no one told me. I guess I'll figure it out or something... haha. I just don't even care that much but it felt really good. I'm gonna try harder to get with girl, if it means this one or others I don't really care anymore.

In other news my ex tried to add my Rush Pi Kapp account on facebook. I don't really understand how she doesn't think I do that account. I'm the Webmaster of the fraternity and she knows that. Oh well stupid is what stupid does.

Weather is finally changing which for me is bad for my health. As soon as it gets cold outside I start to workout less. For that very reason I'm going to run today before all the football games really get started. I need to get back under 170. 175 is just a little to heavy for my taste. I don't really want to stop my bad habits though so I guess I'll just have to work out more.

I'm doing ok in school as of right now. I could be doing better so I'm just gonna have to crank it up a notch in the coming weeks. Luckily this week I don't have too much to do. Just one test that I'm going to study my booty off for. Not today though haha.

I guess my last bit of news is that Georgia Tech (not the school I go to) is still undefeated but they looked pretty bad in doing so yesterday. Tevin really was having trouble hitting his passes, if he had the score would have been bad. Michigan is undefeated so I guess my grandpa is smiling somewhere. GSU is playing like a second year team.

Thats all I got for now....

Spinning

Healing

Like any wound it eventually heals but does that mean you ever regret getting it in the first place? Imagine your running into a brick wall and you know it's going to hurt you but you do it anyway. The scrapes and bruises one gets from the wall are just minor pain but the lasting impression is the scar. I still wonder to this day if I made the right decision. I knew what I was doing would mess me up in yet I did it. I think back and wonder why? I know I wasn't happy with the way things were but at the same time I'm even more unhappy now. Is it because I'm slowly getting depressed?

I thought I had everything sorted out when I broke up with her. It felt awful but I knew in the long run it would be for the best. I'm starting to think otherwise. You never really know what you have till you lost it. Now I'm searching for someone new and it's just not working. I feel like I'm sick most of the time and I know I'm depressed. My mom asked me what the problem was on sunday and everyone makes comments like, "you look tired or whats the matter?" I haven't talked to anyone about this because the one person I have ever trusted my feelings with has been exiled out of my life.

I guess what kills me the most is that I hear she's "hanging" out with one of my fraternity brothers. I don't know what they are doing and honestly I would love never to know. If I could redo the past would I have ever broken up with her? Yes, but would I have remained broken up? That's the million dollar question. I can't change anything that has been done but it doesn't mean that I wonder. I wonder right now if she was on my bed with me and I was studying and watching the game and she was doing likewise. Then we would watch netflix and call it a night, holding each other closely. All the problems we were having for the most part was where I was living and she was. Now I have a car, parking pass, and house. Pretty ironic....

Am I just being pathetic? I broke up with her in late march and it's almost October. It took me so long to realize me missing her. I thought just forgetting her existence would make things better but I really couldn't. Something's missing in my life. Also my acne has been flaring up since around summer time. Which I don't know what to do. The stuff I used to do isn't working anymore. So my self esteem is rocketing downwards too.... When I go into my room I really don't ever want to leave it. I'm too worried what people will think about me. I just want be left alone. The only person that ever made me feel right is now gone. She didn't care about anything, she just loved me. What was I thinking... God I miss her sometimes.

Spinning

Who?

I need to refocus my efforts not on the past but my future. I look to much at what has transpired and not enough what will and at the end of the day only I can make my future. I want to find a girl pretty badly. I'm not going to even be very picky on the matter. I just want something to rely on and hold at night. I don't want to date anyone though and I'm not the type of guy that just can start hooking up with random girls. I'm not good at it and nor do I feel comfortable doing so. Also lately I have been breaking out so I don't feel the most confidence going up to a girl and hitting on her. I don't even like writing about it on here actually...

I need to start looking around or I'll never get better. I'm seriously hung up about my ex and I know it. I just miss her so much right now.... And she'll never know. I hate that she is secretly seeing on of my fraternity brothers. Just makes me feel even more shitty.

Just need to get out there and meet new girls.

Spinning

I can't stop

Wasted Post...

Where do I go next?

All right so I have established that I'm pretty much in neutral right now. Stuck in the mud so to speak. Everything I do I feel like I'm failing. I think people are starting to notice too. A pledge asked me today if everything is ok because I seemed like I was down about something. I don't really even know what I'm down about but it pretty much sucks. I feel like I just can't even move.

Sometimes I imagine just one day leaving school and driving off somewhere and getting away from everything. Like starting a new life with new people and leaving everything behind. I really hate school sometimes and I really hate all this responsibility I have these days. I wish I could just get away from it all and just start over. I feel like I'm not running my life really right now. I'm at this school with people I kinda like but I hate where I'm going. Actually I don't even know where I'm going. I really just want to start brand new. Where would I go though? Moving to South Carolina wouldn't be too bad. I'm sure I could find some work somewhere to start my life off.

I think right now the most important thing in my life is to meet the perfect girl. I really don't care about anything else. I dream about her sometimes and I hope the day comes when I finally get to meet her. I'm trying my hardest to get back into shape again and try looking my best. I want someone to love me so badly it hurts sometimes. I think that is why I miss my ex gf so much. I know one day I'll meet this girl. I just need to get up and stop feeling so sorry for myself. I just have no one to talk to anymore. I tried talking to an ex of mine. Not THE ex but an ex. She went offline though before we could really talk. At least she seemed concerned for me.

I need to start focusing on things in my life to make me better. I need to start running again. I need to stop feeling down on myself. I need to take school more seriously. I need to go out there and be more sociable. I need remain sober throughout the week. I need to be a better person. If I do all those things I'm sure I'll meet a great girl. I'm going to go run right now actually and after that time to hit the books!

Spinning

Where do I go next?

All right so I have established that I'm pretty much in neutral right now. Stuck in the mud so to speak. Everything I do I feel like I'm failing. I think people are starting to notice too. A pledge asked me today if everything is ok because I seemed like I was down about something. I don't really even know what I'm down about but it pretty much sucks. I feel like I just can't even move.

Sometimes I imagine just one day leaving school and driving off somewhere and getting away from everything. Like starting a new life with new people and leaving everything behind. I really hate school sometimes and I really hate all this responsibility I have these days. I wish I could just get away from it all and just start over. I feel like I'm not running my life really right now. I'm at this school with people I kinda like but I hate where I'm going. Actually I don't even know where I'm going. I really just want to start brand new. Where would I go though? Moving to South Carolina wouldn't be too bad. I'm sure I could find some work somewhere to start my life off.

I think right now in my life is to meet the perfect girl. I really don't care about anything else. I dream about her sometimes and I hope the day comes when I finally get to meet her. I'm trying my hardest to get back into shape again and try looking my best. I want someone to love me so badly it hurts sometimes. I think that is why I miss my ex gf so much. I know one day I'll meet this girl. I just need to get up and stop feeling so sorry for myself. I just have no one to talk to anymore. I tried talking to an ex of mine. Not THE ex but an ex. She went offline though before we could really talk. At least she seemed concerned for me.

I need to start focusing on things in my life to make me better. I need to start running again. I need to stop feeling down on myself. I need to take school more seriously. I need to go out there and be more sociable. I need remain sober throughout the week. I need to be a better person. If I do all those things I'm sure I'll meet a great girl.

Another Day

I have the incredible ability to do absolutely nothing in a day when I have so much to do. I woke up today with a mission to really do some serious school work but instead I sit around with my thumb up my butt. Or so it seems. I mean seriously I had 24 hours take a test, an open book at that and only got a 78. Pretty pathetic honestly. Luckily she drops the lowest test grade. Thank god!

On to my second academia that I would say I tackled but more flicked. I have already taken this class but had to drop it so I already had my paper ready to do. I did a little bit of editing that this teacher wanted differently on this paper but for the most part it was done. Here's the kicker though and what has sorta put me in the dumps for the day. I wrote this paper late and was not accepted so I got 0 on the paper and thus dropped the class. Why did I get a zero though? I was spending the night at my ex's house. I had planned on writing the paper that night and she was planning to come down and help me and us watch a movie or something after. She was always really good at helping me with papers and I'm really just crappy at writing. So she comes down but she can't find anywhere to park and starts to freak out and says she is just going back home.

On a side note this was probably the BIGGEST problem in our relationship at the time. She couldn't ever find parking to see me. The stupid thing is that she could have gotten a lofts pass if she pushed for it but she was too afraid of taking the risk. I have that same pass this year and can park whenever I want downtown. Too many times it was a hassle for her to park downtown and she really hated it and it wore on me a lot too. It definitely was a pit fall in our relationship and I would be lying if didn't add stress to a rather fixable situation. Ironically my parents gave me my first car right after we broke up and I got a lofts pass. So much stress have been brought upon our relationship because of my lack of car or her inability to park overnight. To go along with my cartoon sized room in the Greek housing. It was overall just a very rough situation. I digress and will discuss this subject further down my post.

So she says she is going back home and so obviously I had been looking forward to my ex all night so I was pretty determined to be with her. So we drive all the way back to her house which is about 35 mins away. We get to her place and I start to get tired and look at my syllabus to see if I really need to do this paper. I misread it and didn't do it and got a 0. The next day it all comes together and realized what horrible mistake I have done so I write the paper quickly and have my ex edit and email it to my teacher. He doesn't accept it but I still have the paper. So tonight I just opened up the paper and edited it a little and blamo, paper.

It got me thinking about her though again and helpful she was. She really did so much for me. Thinking back to even freshman year, she helped me... no she basically wrote a research paper for my final grade. I got too tired and just passed out. She was my rock and relied on her so much and now I really have nothing. I don't even have anyone to talk to about all of this. I feel like I'm so fucked up inside and I really don't know what to do. I thought I would hate this girl forever but part of me just feels regret. I feel like a quitter sometimes but then I remember how I wasn't very happy at the time when we were dating. Also to go along with the fact that she was going to spend summer working at a camp, I just really didn't understand why I was in the relationship. At the time it was like I was in love with more of a figment of my imagination. Like I would talk and text someone who was not really their. Our sex life was declining which was never a problem before either, and evidently wasn't a problem for her afterwards. I say that in the nicest way possible because I'm just running a very long dry run and I don't even really want to do it right now. At least not with the girls I could do it with...

I actually and shamishly imagine having sex with her sometimes. I loved being with her so much and it was perfect sometimes. I don't know if it's normal when you have sex but me and her would orgasm simultaneously. It was pretty amazing feeling and I felt so close to her when we did it. Now I just day dream about hooking up with her all over again. I really don't have much else to base it off of. She's the only girl I can really vividly having sex with. I loved holding her tight and just thrusting my hips into her, kissing her on the neck as we made love. I don't know how I can have any experience like that again. I guess I'm just real pussy when it comes to this type of stuff. Most guys just have sex and that's that. Maybe it wasn't as good for them as it was for me but I just can't imagine at the time me having sex with some random girl. I mean if a sexy naked girl came into my room and said can we have sex I might actually turn her down. How can you have passion when they're is no emotional investment?

This is my last pathetic admission of the night but this morning I actually dreamed that she came into my bedroom and we had hot romantic sex. Then we cuddled and slept with each other. And sadly enough my friends, I loved it. It was familiar and beautiful.

Well that's all I have for tonight. I'm starting to like putting down pen and ink to my thoughts, so to speak. I honestly expect to keep this up and hopefully I won't be so gloom and doom very soon.

Spinning

Islands

I'm looking at facebook as I type this for the last couple of hours and can't seem to even think of a status. I use to be so creative with my status and would laugh at how funny some of my post would be looking back at them. Now though it seems like I'm at a lost of words. I'm also pretty much loss too. A lot of things have happened since I last posted but I'm still the same right now except much more isolated.

I guess I'll start from where we last left off...

I hooked up with the skank and called my ex girlfriend to let her off the hook. I enjoyed it thoroughly but it was best what happened after that. We talked for another week and invited her to my formal but she ditched me last second and I went with some random hippie girl just to have a date. Turned out being good though because I was in no right mind to start dating someone. The formal was real fun and I got to spend sometime and think about life. In the back in my mind though I kept thinking about her, my ex.

Never was there a more certain thing in my life. I could have married this girl. She once said that when she was around me it was like electricity going through her body. She said I completed her. Having such certainty was a good thing and a bad thing. Since we had been dating I always felt like the relationship was in my hands. Like she unconditionally loved me and would do anything for me. That was awesome but at the same time I feel like something great shouldn't come easy. I never had to work for her to love me. I never had to impress or wow or court her. She loved me and I knew it. So while her love was instant and concrete mine had to be nurtured and brought along slowly. I now know that is the way any healthy relationship should start and I never will go flying in to things ever again.

So I called her about mid may late at night drunk once to talk and I'm pretty sure I told her I messed up and that I wish we were back together. She cried but you could tell from her tone that she wouldn't do it and once again this was a good decision for and her and me. This brings me to a thought that has been eating away with me for a sometime. If I had met my ex now at age 22 would I have married her by age 24? I feel like timing is so crucial in a relationship. I'm starting to get to the age where the "M" word is becoming a thought. I mean I feel like by age 27 or so I will be married but I'm worried I'm going to do it and it won't be the right girl. Like if I just searched a little bit longer I would find an even better girl. I mean how am I seriously suppose to know she is the one? I have loved and I still didn't even know if she was the one. I'm pretty worried that by age 25 I'm going to be dating a girl and I will end up marrying her a year or two later because it's the right time to do it. Not necessarily the right one.

After formal I go back to East Cobb for a month and sink back into old HS friends. It was awesome and it made me forget about everything. Hanging out with old buddies and going to the bars were awesome. I have a pretty fun story about a stripper I met and I had my first one night stand ever. I felt like I needed to have sex after this break up. I mean she had been the only person I have ever had sex with in my entire life. I needed to prove to myself it could be done again.

I met the girl at a bar in East Cobb, never met her before in my life. She was an ex UGA soccer player and starting to become a nurse. I hardly even knew her name but I could tell she was getting into me. She even bought me a couple of drinks. So we go from there to her apartment hangout a little more then she turns and says," ready to go to bed?" We go to her bed and begin to makeout. I initiated everything, hadn't been with a girl in about 2 months and after 2 years of being with a girl all the time I was pretty eager for some intercourse. So everything went to plan and I had sex with her twice that but she was a horrible. She wasn't ugly by any means but not as pretty as my ex. She wasn't very good at sex either. So that's pretty much that, I woke up at 9 am kissed her forehead goodbye and walked back to my car at the bars.

Little did I know that would be the last girl I have been with. I've had a couple of opportunities but I just didn't seem to matter to me. I'm not really sure, I felt good to finally have sex with another girl but at the same time it wasn't a girl that I have feelings for. That feeling has pretty much been stuck in my mind ever since that night with the girl at the bars. I feel like I'm on an island and that I don't really want to leave it. I guess I have left one gushing detail about my summer...

I found out that my ex has been hooking up with one of my fraternity brothers. Apparently it started about 3 weeks after we broke up. Late April early May and was kept secret to me till one of my brothers called me on the phone around June. I was completely and utterly stunned. My heart dropped and I began to tear up. It was like I had officially lost her. It felt like someone has stabbed me. I hated her. Someone who I have loved was now hated and dead to me. I wrote the definition of integrity on her facebook wall and defriended/blocked her. Deleted any semblance of her being in my life. Days would go by and I would feel so uneasy.

So I pretty much have shutdown now and stranded myself on this island. I know I need to get back out there and start talking to girls but at the same time I feel like I'm not ready yet. I'm so tired of being alone but I just don't want force things anymore. I want things to just naturally come to be. So here I am, typing about stuff that have transpired months later still very unsure about my life. I'm pretty comfortable being on this island, even if I'm not always happy. Maybe I can find someone to share this island with....

72 Hour Fuck Up

One of my favorite quotes ever growing up was said by comedian Mel Brooks. He said, "As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes." Lately my world has been spinning very fast, so fast to be exact that I wish everything would just come to a halt.

As no one would know that could read this I just recently broke up with my girlfriend of about 2 years. It was probably one of the most awful experience of my life thus far. I regret it thoroughly and it definitely was a mistake, no doubt. I'm slipping down this hole it seems, where I don't want to make my life any better. Self sabotage if you will. It's almost as if I want to not succeed. I truly do love my ex-gf but I have gotten to the point where I don't feel like making it better, plus I have a very guilty feeling within....

I have lately been talking to another girl outside of my gf, truly I know this is the most deviant move I have made. Not saying too much but not when you take into consideration people actually call me the most average person they have met. I don't cheat, I don't gamble, I do drink, never gotten a ticket nor been stung by a bee, been on a plane once to Cincinnati and that is the one and only time I have been out of the south. Back to the girl though, she's gorgeous, probably the hottest girl I have ever had interest in me. That said she is one of the biggest skanks ever. The night before I broke up with my gf, we almost hooked up and that is where I begin to feel guilty. She said that I was a cheater and a piece of shit. Never have I thought those words be said to me and really just put everything into perspective. I can't live myself knowing that I'm talking to another girl while dating a girl who is truly in love with me. It's not right and not fair. I call her the next day and break up. Worst conversation ever because just 3 days before that we agreed to work on things and make our relationship better because it was on the rocks. I feel pretty awful and feel that I deserve to be punished. In yet I can't seem to muster up the courage to say to my ex-gf that I had talked to another girl.

This all occurred over Thursday and Friday. Saturday comes around and I decide to stay in and get shit housed with a buddy instead of going to some massive party. We do that but around 2 am the little whore calls me and says she wants to see me. I tell her that I don't know and I just broke up with my girlfriend. We talk for 10 mins and break and tell her to come over. Thats the last I heard from her that night. Wake up in the morning to see her on the bed of one of my roommates. Fucking skank. Never been teased like that before in my life.

So just to recap in a 72 hour period, almost cheated with my gf, broke up, then get the biggest fucking tease call ever and the girl sleeps with my friend. Needless to say I'm in the shitter. I had a dream last night the my laptop was literally melting and burning. I looked it up on the net and saw that this means I'm braking away from things, want to burn bridges, and stay from stuff. Makes a lot of sense when you think about it. So here I am, out in the cold with my dick in my hand and I don't have a fucking clue where I'm going.

Yours Truly

Spinning