Healing

Like any wound it eventually heals but does that mean you ever regret getting it in the first place? Imagine your running into a brick wall and you know it's going to hurt you but you do it anyway. The scrapes and bruises one gets from the wall are just minor pain but the lasting impression is the scar. I still wonder to this day if I made the right decision. I knew what I was doing would mess me up in yet I did it. I think back and wonder why? I know I wasn't happy with the way things were but at the same time I'm even more unhappy now. Is it because I'm slowly getting depressed?

I thought I had everything sorted out when I broke up with her. It felt awful but I knew in the long run it would be for the best. I'm starting to think otherwise. You never really know what you have till you lost it. Now I'm searching for someone new and it's just not working. I feel like I'm sick most of the time and I know I'm depressed. My mom asked me what the problem was on sunday and everyone makes comments like, "you look tired or whats the matter?" I haven't talked to anyone about this because the one person I have ever trusted my feelings with has been exiled out of my life.

I guess what kills me the most is that I hear she's "hanging" out with one of my fraternity brothers. I don't know what they are doing and honestly I would love never to know. If I could redo the past would I have ever broken up with her? Yes, but would I have remained broken up? That's the million dollar question. I can't change anything that has been done but it doesn't mean that I wonder. I wonder right now if she was on my bed with me and I was studying and watching the game and she was doing likewise. Then we would watch netflix and call it a night, holding each other closely. All the problems we were having for the most part was where I was living and she was. Now I have a car, parking pass, and house. Pretty ironic....

Am I just being pathetic? I broke up with her in late march and it's almost October. It took me so long to realize me missing her. I thought just forgetting her existence would make things better but I really couldn't. Something's missing in my life. Also my acne has been flaring up since around summer time. Which I don't know what to do. The stuff I used to do isn't working anymore. So my self esteem is rocketing downwards too.... When I go into my room I really don't ever want to leave it. I'm too worried what people will think about me. I just want be left alone. The only person that ever made me feel right is now gone. She didn't care about anything, she just loved me. What was I thinking... God I miss her sometimes.

Spinning