I just keep on realizing what I have lost every day. It comes in different ways. Different things remind me. This weekend it was seeing the guy she was fucking all the time. I will say this, I think he finally gets the picture we aren't friends. He no longer pretends it at least. I'm not sure at what point do you think you fucking my ex would make you my friend still. Let alone the fact that I'm the reason you know her and also the fact that you keep it a secret from everyone. I was amazed at how little people know about them.
I finally talked to a couple of guys about it my pledge class. They all told me fuck that girl and fuck that bro too. They are probably right honestly but that just gets me thinking even more. I feel so shitty right now because of all this. Would have it been better to stay with this girl. I definitely would be more happy right now if I was with her. Would she be happier?
I just don't know. I just know that so many things remind me of her it kills sometimes. I could almost say practically anything. I dream about her. I imagine her sleeping with me. Imagine holding her and kissing her. At the end of the day though it's all just a memory. You never really know what you have till you lose it. And in this case it's all my fault. I am the device of my own suffering. She didn't help though. I can now honestly say that if she just didn't hookup with someone I know while we were broken up I would be with her right now. I would have tried my hardest to get her back. I know it's pathetic but it's true.
At the end of the day she did though and I really don't know what to even do. It's like I'm stuck in this horrible place and I can't get out of it. I feel like I'm being suffocated. All I want is for her to walk through this bed room door. Alas it'll never happen, so the dreams will continue and that is what they will ever be.
Spinning
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