I guess I'll start from where we last left off...
I hooked up with the skank and called my ex girlfriend to let her off the hook. I enjoyed it thoroughly but it was best what happened after that. We talked for another week and invited her to my formal but she ditched me last second and I went with some random hippie girl just to have a date. Turned out being good though because I was in no right mind to start dating someone. The formal was real fun and I got to spend sometime and think about life. In the back in my mind though I kept thinking about her, my ex.
Never was there a more certain thing in my life. I could have married this girl. She once said that when she was around me it was like electricity going through her body. She said I completed her. Having such certainty was a good thing and a bad thing. Since we had been dating I always felt like the relationship was in my hands. Like she unconditionally loved me and would do anything for me. That was awesome but at the same time I feel like something great shouldn't come easy. I never had to work for her to love me. I never had to impress or wow or court her. She loved me and I knew it. So while her love was instant and concrete mine had to be nurtured and brought along slowly. I now know that is the way any healthy relationship should start and I never will go flying in to things ever again.
So I called her about mid may late at night drunk once to talk and I'm pretty sure I told her I messed up and that I wish we were back together. She cried but you could tell from her tone that she wouldn't do it and once again this was a good decision for and her and me. This brings me to a thought that has been eating away with me for a sometime. If I had met my ex now at age 22 would I have married her by age 24? I feel like timing is so crucial in a relationship. I'm starting to get to the age where the "M" word is becoming a thought. I mean I feel like by age 27 or so I will be married but I'm worried I'm going to do it and it won't be the right girl. Like if I just searched a little bit longer I would find an even better girl. I mean how am I seriously suppose to know she is the one? I have loved and I still didn't even know if she was the one. I'm pretty worried that by age 25 I'm going to be dating a girl and I will end up marrying her a year or two later because it's the right time to do it. Not necessarily the right one.
After formal I go back to East Cobb for a month and sink back into old HS friends. It was awesome and it made me forget about everything. Hanging out with old buddies and going to the bars were awesome. I have a pretty fun story about a stripper I met and I had my first one night stand ever. I felt like I needed to have sex after this break up. I mean she had been the only person I have ever had sex with in my entire life. I needed to prove to myself it could be done again.
I met the girl at a bar in East Cobb, never met her before in my life. She was an ex UGA soccer player and starting to become a nurse. I hardly even knew her name but I could tell she was getting into me. She even bought me a couple of drinks. So we go from there to her apartment hangout a little more then she turns and says," ready to go to bed?" We go to her bed and begin to makeout. I initiated everything, hadn't been with a girl in about 2 months and after 2 years of being with a girl all the time I was pretty eager for some intercourse. So everything went to plan and I had sex with her twice that but she was a horrible. She wasn't ugly by any means but not as pretty as my ex. She wasn't very good at sex either. So that's pretty much that, I woke up at 9 am kissed her forehead goodbye and walked back to my car at the bars.
Little did I know that would be the last girl I have been with. I've had a couple of opportunities but I just didn't seem to matter to me. I'm not really sure, I felt good to finally have sex with another girl but at the same time it wasn't a girl that I have feelings for. That feeling has pretty much been stuck in my mind ever since that night with the girl at the bars. I feel like I'm on an island and that I don't really want to leave it. I guess I have left one gushing detail about my summer...
I found out that my ex has been hooking up with one of my fraternity brothers. Apparently it started about 3 weeks after we broke up. Late April early May and was kept secret to me till one of my brothers called me on the phone around June. I was completely and utterly stunned. My heart dropped and I began to tear up. It was like I had officially lost her. It felt like someone has stabbed me. I hated her. Someone who I have loved was now hated and dead to me. I wrote the definition of integrity on her facebook wall and defriended/blocked her. Deleted any semblance of her being in my life. Days would go by and I would feel so uneasy.
So I pretty much have shutdown now and stranded myself on this island. I know I need to get back out there and start talking to girls but at the same time I feel like I'm not ready yet. I'm so tired of being alone but I just don't want force things anymore. I want things to just naturally come to be. So here I am, typing about stuff that have transpired months later still very unsure about my life. I'm pretty comfortable being on this island, even if I'm not always happy. Maybe I can find someone to share this island with....
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