On to my second academia that I would say I tackled but more flicked. I have already taken this class but had to drop it so I already had my paper ready to do. I did a little bit of editing that this teacher wanted differently on this paper but for the most part it was done. Here's the kicker though and what has sorta put me in the dumps for the day. I wrote this paper late and was not accepted so I got 0 on the paper and thus dropped the class. Why did I get a zero though? I was spending the night at my ex's house. I had planned on writing the paper that night and she was planning to come down and help me and us watch a movie or something after. She was always really good at helping me with papers and I'm really just crappy at writing. So she comes down but she can't find anywhere to park and starts to freak out and says she is just going back home.
On a side note this was probably the BIGGEST problem in our relationship at the time. She couldn't ever find parking to see me. The stupid thing is that she could have gotten a lofts pass if she pushed for it but she was too afraid of taking the risk. I have that same pass this year and can park whenever I want downtown. Too many times it was a hassle for her to park downtown and she really hated it and it wore on me a lot too. It definitely was a pit fall in our relationship and I would be lying if didn't add stress to a rather fixable situation. Ironically my parents gave me my first car right after we broke up and I got a lofts pass. So much stress have been brought upon our relationship because of my lack of car or her inability to park overnight. To go along with my cartoon sized room in the Greek housing. It was overall just a very rough situation. I digress and will discuss this subject further down my post.
So she says she is going back home and so obviously I had been looking forward to my ex all night so I was pretty determined to be with her. So we drive all the way back to her house which is about 35 mins away. We get to her place and I start to get tired and look at my syllabus to see if I really need to do this paper. I misread it and didn't do it and got a 0. The next day it all comes together and realized what horrible mistake I have done so I write the paper quickly and have my ex edit and email it to my teacher. He doesn't accept it but I still have the paper. So tonight I just opened up the paper and edited it a little and blamo, paper.
It got me thinking about her though again and helpful she was. She really did so much for me. Thinking back to even freshman year, she helped me... no she basically wrote a research paper for my final grade. I got too tired and just passed out. She was my rock and relied on her so much and now I really have nothing. I don't even have anyone to talk to about all of this. I feel like I'm so fucked up inside and I really don't know what to do. I thought I would hate this girl forever but part of me just feels regret. I feel like a quitter sometimes but then I remember how I wasn't very happy at the time when we were dating. Also to go along with the fact that she was going to spend summer working at a camp, I just really didn't understand why I was in the relationship. At the time it was like I was in love with more of a figment of my imagination. Like I would talk and text someone who was not really their. Our sex life was declining which was never a problem before either, and evidently wasn't a problem for her afterwards. I say that in the nicest way possible because I'm just running a very long dry run and I don't even really want to do it right now. At least not with the girls I could do it with...
I actually and shamishly imagine having sex with her sometimes. I loved being with her so much and it was perfect sometimes. I don't know if it's normal when you have sex but me and her would orgasm simultaneously. It was pretty amazing feeling and I felt so close to her when we did it. Now I just day dream about hooking up with her all over again. I really don't have much else to base it off of. She's the only girl I can really vividly having sex with. I loved holding her tight and just thrusting my hips into her, kissing her on the neck as we made love. I don't know how I can have any experience like that again. I guess I'm just real pussy when it comes to this type of stuff. Most guys just have sex and that's that. Maybe it wasn't as good for them as it was for me but I just can't imagine at the time me having sex with some random girl. I mean if a sexy naked girl came into my room and said can we have sex I might actually turn her down. How can you have passion when they're is no emotional investment?
This is my last pathetic admission of the night but this morning I actually dreamed that she came into my bedroom and we had hot romantic sex. Then we cuddled and slept with each other. And sadly enough my friends, I loved it. It was familiar and beautiful.
Well that's all I have for tonight. I'm starting to like putting down pen and ink to my thoughts, so to speak. I honestly expect to keep this up and hopefully I won't be so gloom and doom very soon.
Spinning
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