Not a life Recap

It's been over 4 months since I last wrote something. I don't know what to really say. I feel like the whole world is about to fall on me. I just don't seem to be me anymore. I'm losing who I am. I thought I had good plans in life but in reality I don't have a clue on what I need to do. I have no plans for after graduation, nothing. I'm scared and it's really hitting me hard. I just want to have some certainty in my life but right now I have nothing for sure.

Nothing I do works the whole way. I'm starting to let my anger and anxiety get the best of me. I've repressed it for so long and now it's really hurting. I miss my old girlfriend every day. I'm starting to see the hole that was left and I just can't seem to fill the void. I have no love in my life right now, not just with people but with everything. I'm just going through the motions.

Not even Spinning.

Binders Full of Woman

How can one be so stupid to reply in such a dumb insecure way. It's like he was trying to prove himself to the American's that he isn't a bad guy way too hard. I'm not too far from that either, really. I swear I can get myself in a situation that you try to avoid withe a whole heart. But it never seems to truly work, though. Everything shortens and tightens up when it comes. A tense feeling goes down my neck. I can feel it come crushing down like rupturing waves smashing against my skull. It feels so heavy, so dark.

I wanted to be happy but lately I can't seem to be. I feel so depressed, I have no one I can really talk with. Also I hate letting people down so I just wait till the last minute to say I can't do something. It's like I'm turning into Alex. I fear this so much, god wouldn't be so cruel. I love my brother but I am not him. We are very different in many, many ways.

I followed his footsteps every step of the way. We use to spend countless hours playing against one another in basketball. Hours of anger, angst, an anguish for yours truly. At some point around 11 I had caught up with him. I was faster, quicker, higher jumper and could shoot lights out sometimes. That was the first time in my life I knew that I could beat my brother. I kept following him, all the way to college. I was a good little brother, I tried so hard to be because I knew I was pretty rotten when I was young. That year, my senior year high school that is when we both saw each other equals. For the first time I wasn't just little old David. Shit, I'm sure if he hung out with me ever he would end up calling me by my last name. I swear everyone ends up calling me that, even girlfriends.

I don't know what it is but there's something about that last name that sticks with people. I honestly don't know why but people love that name. Suppose I like it. It shows my heritage, it's a little rough sounding though. I'm gonna pass out, if someone actually read this I"m sorry for all the errors.

Night of grandeur disappointment

I thought I knew where I would be this time today, I thought  I would be holding her in my arms in her crappy little tiny bed, instead I got no responds. I didn't push envelope, I know. I thought she might be sleeping or something. Afterwards I always wonder though. Maybe I should have called her and asked, I just assumed she didn't feel up to courting me around the campus while she was sick. I hope that is the case. I wonder how she got to the hospital last night. I bet that might be an answer to my problems. Another guy in the picture, it seems to happen all the time with her.

It doesn't threaten me because I know at the end of the day she'll love me over some other guy but she is easily enthralled by random guys. I know she doesn't see me much so I can understand why. Hopefully one day I can see her everyday.

I want her to be my wife one day. I'm almost positive, I know that it's a big leap for my mental psyche but my feelings are pretty adamant. I might be way to drunk to be writing this but I just want to believe in my gut. She is the most special person in the world to me.

Spinnnnnnning.. 

Me getting in trouble

I, acknowledge that on 22^nd of August 2012 omitted/withheld evidence of an investigation with my student organization, Beta Kappa Chapter of Pi Kappa Phi. I accept the charges that I broke outlined in our student code of conduct III A. 12, “Making any false statements or misleading information, including by omission, to University official or committees.” I have great remorse over the decisions I have made over the last couple of months and my lack of compliance with the University. I plead guilty and apologize for the inconvenience that I have brought to the school, specifically Dr. Robison. I’m willing to take full responsibilities with my actions and understand the upcoming repercussions.

Late night

I'm back to drinking a whole lot. I know that doesn't come to much of a surprise for some of you, especially the ones that know me of any consequence. I love my whiskey and that was my choice.

So to the meat of everything is that she called me last night, texted me a ton and I hardly gave her any attention. And she freaked out and started worrying that I was ignoring her. I think I know I can play this game better now. Because it's 100% game for her.

It's whatever to be honest, I got my health and my dashing good looks and thats all a guy like me needs. Aviento..

Spinning

No your right...

I knew we weren't talking, So silly of me to think anything otherwise. Because I always talk to girls on facetime right before I go to sleep or I always go to various places around Atlanta just to see you.

I get what I am, I'm the phone call to get instructions to Atlanta, talk about crazy ex bf with or the one that you only hangout with in groups. I'm your ticket to a fraternity party with your best friend who goes to the same school as me. No, it's very clear what I am, I just needed some validation.  Good bye.

I feel like that is the meanest thing I could write to her. I know it's not the right thing to do but do I want to. I know that by typing it would end all chances of ever talking to her again. But you know what I am hurt and I'll admit that. She played with me, again.

I mean why the fuck would she call me her my gf jokingly that one time. And WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE ASK ABOUT DATE NIGHTS AND FORMALS? What a little fucking brat. I honestly don't like her one bit. Not even the slightest. I'm just so upset I ever convince myself that this girl was right for me. She is just a fucking tease. I'm obviously not what she wants, that is why I'm in the friendzone.

I just can't believe she says that crap to me. What the hell else am I suppose to think?? I'm so pissed off right now, this is just some of the biggest shit of my life. I didn't know we were talking, I just thought we were friends. All we fucking did was talk! Do you honestly think I want to be friends with someone who I have feelings for while she doesn't care one bit? I mean she has literally ignored my comments to her. I have to her face told her that I liked her and she says this crap? Don't play dumb. You just wanted to keep talking to me because you felt bad and didn't want to hurt my feelings at all. So you started talking to me less and less and to another guy. But you talked to me just enough not to have my feelings hurt. Just enough for me not to start thinking anything was up.

Now you got caught and your playing dumb. It's ok though, I don't care one bit as long as you are happy, just be happy knowing that I'm no longer your "friend."

NEXT!

Good day blogger sphere...

Early morning crickets just going on a chirpin, I don't try to make to much attention of them though. Growing up in Georgia your whole life you get used to all the crickets, even in the city. I never would have thought that I would have lived in the city now going on my 5th year. Half of a decade of my life in this rotten city. Don't get me wrong, I'm the cities number one fan, I truly am. But sometimes the niggers can really just be too much of a damn lousy stereotype. I didn't come to Atlanta saying nigger or talking ill of black men. Actually I was looking in my old childhood bedroom and I have a magazine clipping of Jackie Robinson. It kinda took me back to be perfectly honest. I forgot how much I care about the black race and how anti-racist I was.

Now after living in the city I truly understand the meaning of a nigger. I've come to the conclusion that a nigger and black man are two separate entities. Niggers are thief's, low life's, drug attics, prostitutes, scum of the earth. Black man is educated, has a job, family commitment, and a decent up bringing himself. I know jesus says to love thy brother, or I think he does at least. But how can I love thy brother if I can't even trust him with the rotten 4 dollars in my wallet. Which leads to me my concern in my life..

I need to start thinking about getting a job and to be perfectly honest I don't where the hell I'm gonna be getting one. My brother might end up getting a job for home depot, which I think I could work with one day. They are an extremely strong company, especially within the state of Georgia. The only reason why I want a job is so that I have financial flexibility for the future of my uncreated family. I have the mantra now that I'm trying to do good in school for my future children. I need to make sure that I can take care of my children and that they have a safe house under their heads. I don't think I can live with so much uncertainty in my life. I don't even know what I'm going to do.

I looked into taking grad school classes for N. Georgia. I guess that was back at talking with Bailey. I didn't know that at the time she had been talking with some guy from Alabama. I should have realized. It threw me off to be honest. I though that she was talking to her ex for sometime because I would go such long times without talking to her. But then she started to batmouth her ex so I just assumed that I was in the clear. As soon as I saw the facebook post I knew something was up, and then the last one was the nail in the coffin for me. I had to text her and sadly enough she was too immature to even answer my text message. I cared a lot about her too, it's pretty bogus that she is just going to leave me hanging. I thought she care more about me then that but I guess I was just mistaken.

The problem is that she never want to hurt anyone. She always wants to make people happy. So she played along with me to make me happy. Giving me attention from time to time and doing group events with me. I never realized that I was being put into the friend zone. I know what I'm going to do now. I'm going to text her and it's going to be from the heart. I know that when she looks at me, it's isn't just as a friend. I know that she has feelings for me, it might be waning but I know they are there. Sure, it might be easier for her to date someone younger that her mom approves and someone that is going to be out there in the real world in the next year, while she is just a sophomore. I know these things make it much more complicate. But I also know that smiles at me when I'm not even saying anything special. I know that her body leans to me when we are standing near one another. I know when she hugs me good bye she holds me very close.

It's a shame the way things have turned out the way they have. I thought god was truly looking out for me to be quiet honest. I mean it would make sense. God is looking out for my well being and I thought that I would be most happy while dating Bailey but evidently I was incorrect. Oh well, onward to another, I suppose. I thought that I could really hit the jackpot this time but no matter what, so far, the house wins. I hope one day I find my wife and she will be the luckiest woman in the world. I will treat her so darn good she won't even know what life was like before we ever knew one another. She will be my special woman who I will hold near every night. I just need that chance and it will be perfect. If Bailey would have given it to me should would have never been dissapointed, it's her loss though. She will never know what it feels like to be loved by me.

I'm not sure about the that text message really too much. It's seems like it could have some negative side effects. But I swear that she cares about me. I just can't believe it goes that fast. Though it did with Victoria I reckon, and Ally. Man did I like them too, maybe I'm just too upfront with my feelings and it puts too much pressure on them. I'm not sure but when I hit the right age the pressure I put should work well. If I were to meet Bailey at age 24 for her, 6 years from now she would be a much better match for me. I know that she is much better looking then me but I thought we had a connection that could have been special.

I'm gonna shut this novel off for the night... I feel like not too much sense was made but it sure as hell was a long one.

Spinning way to drunk