SB Update

Today is the day I make some big decisions. I haven't been sober in so long that I'm not sure what is right. I could possible feel depressed because of all the alcohol I have consumed. That very well could be the problem. Regardless, I'm going sober till next thursday. Hopefully some sort of clarity will occur during this time. I need to anyways. I have a lot of test next week and if I do well on them then I should solidify good grades for the semester. I think I'm going to really start trying to get in shape too. I have been sorta doing it but it hasn't been consistent. I also need to eat a lot healthier and not so late so I'm done eating past 10 and done eating fast food.

They say the best way to attain your goals is write them down. Well hopefully I can follow through and succeed they aren't too lofty and would be good for my health and life. Last thing I need to do is work on my resume. I'm going to attack that tonight. I want an internship, not this job at Turner Field. I'm going to see what I can get. Whats the point in living if I never go out and get what I want. I'm not going to settle and I'm going to get what I want. This is my life and I'm the only one living it. I need to worry about myself and how I can succeed and be a better person. Right now I don't feel like a good person, so it's time to start changing things. Drinking only on the weekends and getting healthy are now my goals. I want to meet a girl but if that happens it happens. I'm not pressing on anything. I just want to make myself better and I'm sure things will work out. The whole world is out there waiting for me, 1 more year and I'll be their. It's time to make myself better person.

Spinning

Spring Break

As always I keep moving forward and nothing, especially life, stops. Not much has changed in my life. Girls are girls and I would like to gladly admit that I'm over my ex girlfriend. I had sex with her a couple more times but it is over. I'm done and have moved on. I don't have a girl in my life right now and I don't really know of one. Of course I have had a couple of girls express interested in me but I'm not trying to fuck around. I'm trying to find the right girl.

Months ago I thought that I just needed to have sex and meet some random girl. I have learned a lot about myself now. I don't want to push things, I don't want to settle, I just want to be happy. If I can't do that with any girl around me right now then what difference does it make.

One of my good friends in college just broke up with Fiance, who is my ex's bestfriend. Turns out she had been stealing money from her organization, about 1800. He broke it off because he didn't feel like he could trust her. I told him something the night it happened, I said to him, "Man you are 21 years of age. You have your entire life to live. So this girl ripped your heart out but you know what? Life goes on. You have many years ahead of you and many roads to go down." Obviously I'm better at giving advice when I'm drunk but I really do believe all of that. Life will move on. That is a fact.

So spring has begun and I finally think a new beginning is ready. I'm not sure where it will lead me but I'm excited. Life is full of changes and how I adapt to them will determine success. Success though is not what I'm seeking as I have made it apparent. I want a girl. Not just any girl but my girl and someone I can love and trust.

For some odd reason I think I'm going to meet her soon. Call me crazy, but I just have a gut feeling. Until then I'm just going to keep on keeping on. Got 7 days left of spring break and I'm not going to waste them on stupid blog.

Spinning

Real Life

I hooked up with my ex gf around early November. Why I did or what motives I'd rather not discuss in this post. I actually will expunge upon this topic later but I have to type this down. I got her pregnant. She miscarried yesterday and emailed me about it.

Who you are

I'm looking at myself in the window at my own reflection and I'm thinking to myself do I think I'm a good person. Obviously the egotistical side of me wants to say yes but a sharp jab in the side makes me question that. I know for a fact that I have done bad to others. I'm not claiming to be perfect but lately I feel very imperfect.

I'm having a big trouble now figuring out what is right and what is wrong. Sometimes I think about my actions and wonder. I know this Sunday I really messed up. I should have been with my family but instead I just hung out with my friends. I'm not proud of it nor do I think it is acceptable. I'm going to regret it for sometime. It's a family tradition to go get the Christmas tree together but I made the whole family put on hole because of my selfishness.

I use a lot of things as a crutch. I used drugs, alcohol, video games, sports, and playing basketball. I suppose some of those things aren't bad it gives some direction but at some points I look at myself and wonder what my parents think? That's when I start to think I might be a bad person. I'm not like some offspring who always like to meet my parent expectations. I know who I am ad I'm going to be that person. What my parents think of me, well they can just get over it. What I do though is compare myself to my parents in another way. I think to myself what would they do if they were in my situation. I know for a fact they would studying their asses off right now instead of writing on some stupid blog that no one reads except me.

I like to tell my friends who get depressed from time to time that one of the most exciting times in life is not knowing what is going to happen next. My mantra right now is make myself better and things will get better around me. I don't know if that will come to be but that is what makes things exciting. I'm 22 years old and have the rest of my life to live. I need to stop focusing on what has transpired and look to the future. Great men have walked this earth, while I wallow in self pity. I'm sure a clear image will come. Or at least someone who I can trust my feelings with.

At the end of the day I'll stop running from my problems until I solve my biggest one. Who am I going to be with for the rest of my life. It's the biggest concern of my life. The older I get the bigger question it'll be. I just want someone I have chemistry with and no baggage. My ex gf had a multitude of problems, like her back, her depression, anorexia, and her innate ability to hookup with my friends or people I know after we break up. One thing though was the chemical bond we had. We got each other but the other variables were just too much for me to spend my life with her. I know it sounds crazy but that all went through my head when we broke up. One day I'll start to focus on a girl again but as of now I just can't seem to find one that fits what I want.

Maybe I'm setting things up too high and I should drop it down a couple of notches. But if that's the case, wouldn't that be settling? I for one don't want to settle in life. I want to live it the fullest. I want to be on my death bed and say that I did the best I could with the time I had. That is who I want to be.

This originally should have been my first post.

3 days before I broke up with my Girlfriend of 2 years

I never would have thought just one year ago what was such a sure thing. The future was murky but one thing was truly constant and that much I was thankful for. Inexplicable things have resulted ill circumstances. What was once a blossomed flower has now died returned into the winter mist. Freshness doesn’t appear to be here. Pain seems to be flowing through my veins pulsating into my heart. It’s a new flavor that I have never tasted before and one I never plan on getting used to. Something that was so perfect has transpired into such an awful thing. Like a burn it breaks into my soul vibrating my very ghost. Never would I have guessed. Never would have even imagined but now I am here in this hole in the middle of my spring of my life. Just 21 I have my youth and many things to look forward too. I don’t know if I ever could love like this again but I have been wrong in the past so I’m sure I’ll be wrong once over. She was my first love and my first I had a sexual encounter with. I clung to her like dew on a rose peddle, eventually though the water does fall off, plummeting to the ground. I feel like I’m dropping like a rock, dropping to the ground. Nothing so perfect did it once appear now feel like despair. I’m broken and hoping that pieces will be fixed but something’s cannot be solved as hard as you try to make them. I hope I am wrong and this is just the cold feet. Maybe I’m reading the writing on the wall all wrong. This is just one thing about life though. Things do not always go as planned. No matter how hard one is to try, something’s cannot be fixed.

Old me is coming out

I got high tonight instead of studying for a test so now I'm about to pass out and wake up early and study. I'm super sleepy anyways. And why may you ask my friends? Well your old boy spent all last night talking to his ex gf.

A rare move indeed with a rather interesting twist. She apparently cut things off with my bro and I would be lying to you my friends if I was elated with joy. Explains why the old bastard didn't say a word to me all weekend. Must have some pretty sour grapes at me. I hope it stings for a while, finding a rebound girl is pretty slimey in my humble opinion. I don't claim to be perfect though either. I just don't take advantage of girls when they are vulnerable.

Spilling my heart out was only suppose to be done through this but instead I did it on the phone. I didn't do it in full but I got pretty dang close. I just miss being near her sometimes and I broke down last night. Been emailing her off and on all day since too. I know it's bad but if feels pretty good. Part of me wants to run to her so bad but the other part just wants more space.

I love having all this space now but I really do miss the days of having her near me. She's a lover and I'm a runner and we go round and round. I can't really help it either. Sometimes I'm so close to going back but I just can't seem to do it. Being friends are whats best for now. We'll see what comes of this. A bed can be a very lonely place.

Spinning

Dreaming

I really can't even honestly give you an answer. I feel like I should but I really can't. I don't want to do anything right now. I'm just lying in bed doing nothing. This weekend was suppose to be fun and it was but it could have been better.

I just keep on realizing what I have lost every day. It comes in different ways. Different things remind me. This weekend it was seeing the guy she was fucking all the time. I will say this, I think he finally gets the picture we aren't friends. He no longer pretends it at least. I'm not sure at what point do you think you fucking my ex would make you my friend still. Let alone the fact that I'm the reason you know her and also the fact that you keep it a secret from everyone. I was amazed at how little people know about them.

I finally talked to a couple of guys about it my pledge class. They all told me fuck that girl and fuck that bro too. They are probably right honestly but that just gets me thinking even more. I feel so shitty right now because of all this. Would have it been better to stay with this girl. I definitely would be more happy right now if I was with her. Would she be happier?

I just don't know. I just know that so many things remind me of her it kills sometimes. I could almost say practically anything. I dream about her. I imagine her sleeping with me. Imagine holding her and kissing her. At the end of the day though it's all just a memory. You never really know what you have till you lose it. And in this case it's all my fault. I am the device of my own suffering. She didn't help though. I can now honestly say that if she just didn't hookup with someone I know while we were broken up I would be with her right now. I would have tried my hardest to get her back. I know it's pathetic but it's true.

At the end of the day she did though and I really don't know what to even do. It's like I'm stuck in this horrible place and I can't get out of it. I feel like I'm being suffocated. All I want is for her to walk through this bed room door. Alas it'll never happen, so the dreams will continue and that is what they will ever be.

Spinning