Who you are

I'm looking at myself in the window at my own reflection and I'm thinking to myself do I think I'm a good person. Obviously the egotistical side of me wants to say yes but a sharp jab in the side makes me question that. I know for a fact that I have done bad to others. I'm not claiming to be perfect but lately I feel very imperfect.

I'm having a big trouble now figuring out what is right and what is wrong. Sometimes I think about my actions and wonder. I know this Sunday I really messed up. I should have been with my family but instead I just hung out with my friends. I'm not proud of it nor do I think it is acceptable. I'm going to regret it for sometime. It's a family tradition to go get the Christmas tree together but I made the whole family put on hole because of my selfishness.

I use a lot of things as a crutch. I used drugs, alcohol, video games, sports, and playing basketball. I suppose some of those things aren't bad it gives some direction but at some points I look at myself and wonder what my parents think? That's when I start to think I might be a bad person. I'm not like some offspring who always like to meet my parent expectations. I know who I am ad I'm going to be that person. What my parents think of me, well they can just get over it. What I do though is compare myself to my parents in another way. I think to myself what would they do if they were in my situation. I know for a fact they would studying their asses off right now instead of writing on some stupid blog that no one reads except me.

I like to tell my friends who get depressed from time to time that one of the most exciting times in life is not knowing what is going to happen next. My mantra right now is make myself better and things will get better around me. I don't know if that will come to be but that is what makes things exciting. I'm 22 years old and have the rest of my life to live. I need to stop focusing on what has transpired and look to the future. Great men have walked this earth, while I wallow in self pity. I'm sure a clear image will come. Or at least someone who I can trust my feelings with.

At the end of the day I'll stop running from my problems until I solve my biggest one. Who am I going to be with for the rest of my life. It's the biggest concern of my life. The older I get the bigger question it'll be. I just want someone I have chemistry with and no baggage. My ex gf had a multitude of problems, like her back, her depression, anorexia, and her innate ability to hookup with my friends or people I know after we break up. One thing though was the chemical bond we had. We got each other but the other variables were just too much for me to spend my life with her. I know it sounds crazy but that all went through my head when we broke up. One day I'll start to focus on a girl again but as of now I just can't seem to find one that fits what I want.

Maybe I'm setting things up too high and I should drop it down a couple of notches. But if that's the case, wouldn't that be settling? I for one don't want to settle in life. I want to live it the fullest. I want to be on my death bed and say that I did the best I could with the time I had. That is who I want to be.

This originally should have been my first post.

3 days before I broke up with my Girlfriend of 2 years

I never would have thought just one year ago what was such a sure thing. The future was murky but one thing was truly constant and that much I was thankful for. Inexplicable things have resulted ill circumstances. What was once a blossomed flower has now died returned into the winter mist. Freshness doesn’t appear to be here. Pain seems to be flowing through my veins pulsating into my heart. It’s a new flavor that I have never tasted before and one I never plan on getting used to. Something that was so perfect has transpired into such an awful thing. Like a burn it breaks into my soul vibrating my very ghost. Never would I have guessed. Never would have even imagined but now I am here in this hole in the middle of my spring of my life. Just 21 I have my youth and many things to look forward too. I don’t know if I ever could love like this again but I have been wrong in the past so I’m sure I’ll be wrong once over. She was my first love and my first I had a sexual encounter with. I clung to her like dew on a rose peddle, eventually though the water does fall off, plummeting to the ground. I feel like I’m dropping like a rock, dropping to the ground. Nothing so perfect did it once appear now feel like despair. I’m broken and hoping that pieces will be fixed but something’s cannot be solved as hard as you try to make them. I hope I am wrong and this is just the cold feet. Maybe I’m reading the writing on the wall all wrong. This is just one thing about life though. Things do not always go as planned. No matter how hard one is to try, something’s cannot be fixed.

Old me is coming out

I got high tonight instead of studying for a test so now I'm about to pass out and wake up early and study. I'm super sleepy anyways. And why may you ask my friends? Well your old boy spent all last night talking to his ex gf.

A rare move indeed with a rather interesting twist. She apparently cut things off with my bro and I would be lying to you my friends if I was elated with joy. Explains why the old bastard didn't say a word to me all weekend. Must have some pretty sour grapes at me. I hope it stings for a while, finding a rebound girl is pretty slimey in my humble opinion. I don't claim to be perfect though either. I just don't take advantage of girls when they are vulnerable.

Spilling my heart out was only suppose to be done through this but instead I did it on the phone. I didn't do it in full but I got pretty dang close. I just miss being near her sometimes and I broke down last night. Been emailing her off and on all day since too. I know it's bad but if feels pretty good. Part of me wants to run to her so bad but the other part just wants more space.

I love having all this space now but I really do miss the days of having her near me. She's a lover and I'm a runner and we go round and round. I can't really help it either. Sometimes I'm so close to going back but I just can't seem to do it. Being friends are whats best for now. We'll see what comes of this. A bed can be a very lonely place.

Spinning

Dreaming

I really can't even honestly give you an answer. I feel like I should but I really can't. I don't want to do anything right now. I'm just lying in bed doing nothing. This weekend was suppose to be fun and it was but it could have been better.

I just keep on realizing what I have lost every day. It comes in different ways. Different things remind me. This weekend it was seeing the guy she was fucking all the time. I will say this, I think he finally gets the picture we aren't friends. He no longer pretends it at least. I'm not sure at what point do you think you fucking my ex would make you my friend still. Let alone the fact that I'm the reason you know her and also the fact that you keep it a secret from everyone. I was amazed at how little people know about them.

I finally talked to a couple of guys about it my pledge class. They all told me fuck that girl and fuck that bro too. They are probably right honestly but that just gets me thinking even more. I feel so shitty right now because of all this. Would have it been better to stay with this girl. I definitely would be more happy right now if I was with her. Would she be happier?

I just don't know. I just know that so many things remind me of her it kills sometimes. I could almost say practically anything. I dream about her. I imagine her sleeping with me. Imagine holding her and kissing her. At the end of the day though it's all just a memory. You never really know what you have till you lose it. And in this case it's all my fault. I am the device of my own suffering. She didn't help though. I can now honestly say that if she just didn't hookup with someone I know while we were broken up I would be with her right now. I would have tried my hardest to get her back. I know it's pathetic but it's true.

At the end of the day she did though and I really don't know what to even do. It's like I'm stuck in this horrible place and I can't get out of it. I feel like I'm being suffocated. All I want is for her to walk through this bed room door. Alas it'll never happen, so the dreams will continue and that is what they will ever be.

Spinning

Rusty

Trust is starting to become a big issue in my life. People that I invest emotion to is a big deal. I use to trust mostly anyone but lately that seems to change. People say things and will do something else. Or they'll just go behind your backs and never talk to you about it. I've been hurt from time to time in my life and that has left me much more skeptical about if there is good in man.

I'm not saint nor do I pretend to be. I do manipulate people from time to time and I get the most out of something if I can. I can get into people's heads and really get them angry or hate me. It's not a talent I'm proud of because it definitely leads to relationship issues. I do most things because I want to see a reaction though. I'm mean to someone so they step up and be mean back to me. Ignore someone to see if they give me attention. I'm sarcastic to someone who is serious.

People who are legit stiffs are what really get me going. Some people just go about life feeling like that if they don't do this they won't be happy. I'm pretty sure being happy is how you make it and the people around you do that. A couple years ago I made it my job to make my fraternity better. I went out there rushed my butt off and got some solid guys. Then I got more and in turn those guys got more solid guys. Next thing I know I'm in the best fraternity on campus. It wasn't just me but I'm responsible for close half the chapter in joining the fraternity. No one else can say that in this fraternity. I'm proud of it because I seeked better people around me and I got it. Durward Owen once said, "Great men surround themselves with greater men." Thats what I want to do all my life.

Hopefully these men are the type of guys I can trust though. I'm not gonna just throw my emotions at everyone because they will hurt you. For certain. Not everyone is responsible enough nor care about someone to realize what they can do to someone. I think they are good people in this world and at the end of the day I would like to think I'm on the greener side of the fence. I might say somethings that are mean but I'll never actually do anything mean. I lookout for my friends and trust them to do the same. I think at some points I might care more about them then they care about me but I'm sure it fluctuates. I need more rocks in my life, people who I can trust to talk to. I don't have many of those and it's an effort to do so. Maybe my newest rock will be a girl, who knows. Just gotta make sure to look under each one to make sure they are right.

Spinning

A couple of days ago...

I got yucky all over the place. It was a pajama party so naturally I dress up like John Belushi from animal house. Had the dress shirt under and college sweater over. So back to the yucky factor. I got really fucked up and drank close to a liter of Southern Comfort and a 40 oz. So I finish all my booze and just wonder into the dance floor and next thing I know I'm grinding up again this blond. I don't know her name or anything, hell I couldn't even tell if she was hot. Next thing I know I'm making out with her on the dance floor of the house. Like hardcore making out and grinding. We do that for like 15-20 mins and all of sudden it just kinda of ended. I was really drunk so my ability to close on the situation was pretty poor. None the less I finally got with a girl even if it was high school shit.

So I go from there to here, not literally here because I'm on the can, but I think you get what I'm saying. Do I go after this girl now or not. I didn't even know her name, someone had to tell me. Hell I didn't even know she was good looking till a brother said she was cute. Her ass was awesome, I know that. Back to the main point though, how would I best go about getting with this girl or should I? I feel like if I just start talking to her she'll realize it was me but I'm not really sure. I wouldn't have known if no one told me. I guess I'll figure it out or something... haha. I just don't even care that much but it felt really good. I'm gonna try harder to get with girl, if it means this one or others I don't really care anymore.

In other news my ex tried to add my Rush Pi Kapp account on facebook. I don't really understand how she doesn't think I do that account. I'm the Webmaster of the fraternity and she knows that. Oh well stupid is what stupid does.

Weather is finally changing which for me is bad for my health. As soon as it gets cold outside I start to workout less. For that very reason I'm going to run today before all the football games really get started. I need to get back under 170. 175 is just a little to heavy for my taste. I don't really want to stop my bad habits though so I guess I'll just have to work out more.

I'm doing ok in school as of right now. I could be doing better so I'm just gonna have to crank it up a notch in the coming weeks. Luckily this week I don't have too much to do. Just one test that I'm going to study my booty off for. Not today though haha.

I guess my last bit of news is that Georgia Tech (not the school I go to) is still undefeated but they looked pretty bad in doing so yesterday. Tevin really was having trouble hitting his passes, if he had the score would have been bad. Michigan is undefeated so I guess my grandpa is smiling somewhere. GSU is playing like a second year team.

Thats all I got for now....

Spinning

Healing

Like any wound it eventually heals but does that mean you ever regret getting it in the first place? Imagine your running into a brick wall and you know it's going to hurt you but you do it anyway. The scrapes and bruises one gets from the wall are just minor pain but the lasting impression is the scar. I still wonder to this day if I made the right decision. I knew what I was doing would mess me up in yet I did it. I think back and wonder why? I know I wasn't happy with the way things were but at the same time I'm even more unhappy now. Is it because I'm slowly getting depressed?

I thought I had everything sorted out when I broke up with her. It felt awful but I knew in the long run it would be for the best. I'm starting to think otherwise. You never really know what you have till you lost it. Now I'm searching for someone new and it's just not working. I feel like I'm sick most of the time and I know I'm depressed. My mom asked me what the problem was on sunday and everyone makes comments like, "you look tired or whats the matter?" I haven't talked to anyone about this because the one person I have ever trusted my feelings with has been exiled out of my life.

I guess what kills me the most is that I hear she's "hanging" out with one of my fraternity brothers. I don't know what they are doing and honestly I would love never to know. If I could redo the past would I have ever broken up with her? Yes, but would I have remained broken up? That's the million dollar question. I can't change anything that has been done but it doesn't mean that I wonder. I wonder right now if she was on my bed with me and I was studying and watching the game and she was doing likewise. Then we would watch netflix and call it a night, holding each other closely. All the problems we were having for the most part was where I was living and she was. Now I have a car, parking pass, and house. Pretty ironic....

Am I just being pathetic? I broke up with her in late march and it's almost October. It took me so long to realize me missing her. I thought just forgetting her existence would make things better but I really couldn't. Something's missing in my life. Also my acne has been flaring up since around summer time. Which I don't know what to do. The stuff I used to do isn't working anymore. So my self esteem is rocketing downwards too.... When I go into my room I really don't ever want to leave it. I'm too worried what people will think about me. I just want be left alone. The only person that ever made me feel right is now gone. She didn't care about anything, she just loved me. What was I thinking... God I miss her sometimes.

Spinning