Old me is coming out

I got high tonight instead of studying for a test so now I'm about to pass out and wake up early and study. I'm super sleepy anyways. And why may you ask my friends? Well your old boy spent all last night talking to his ex gf.

A rare move indeed with a rather interesting twist. She apparently cut things off with my bro and I would be lying to you my friends if I was elated with joy. Explains why the old bastard didn't say a word to me all weekend. Must have some pretty sour grapes at me. I hope it stings for a while, finding a rebound girl is pretty slimey in my humble opinion. I don't claim to be perfect though either. I just don't take advantage of girls when they are vulnerable.

Spilling my heart out was only suppose to be done through this but instead I did it on the phone. I didn't do it in full but I got pretty dang close. I just miss being near her sometimes and I broke down last night. Been emailing her off and on all day since too. I know it's bad but if feels pretty good. Part of me wants to run to her so bad but the other part just wants more space.

I love having all this space now but I really do miss the days of having her near me. She's a lover and I'm a runner and we go round and round. I can't really help it either. Sometimes I'm so close to going back but I just can't seem to do it. Being friends are whats best for now. We'll see what comes of this. A bed can be a very lonely place.

Spinning

Dreaming

I really can't even honestly give you an answer. I feel like I should but I really can't. I don't want to do anything right now. I'm just lying in bed doing nothing. This weekend was suppose to be fun and it was but it could have been better.

I just keep on realizing what I have lost every day. It comes in different ways. Different things remind me. This weekend it was seeing the guy she was fucking all the time. I will say this, I think he finally gets the picture we aren't friends. He no longer pretends it at least. I'm not sure at what point do you think you fucking my ex would make you my friend still. Let alone the fact that I'm the reason you know her and also the fact that you keep it a secret from everyone. I was amazed at how little people know about them.

I finally talked to a couple of guys about it my pledge class. They all told me fuck that girl and fuck that bro too. They are probably right honestly but that just gets me thinking even more. I feel so shitty right now because of all this. Would have it been better to stay with this girl. I definitely would be more happy right now if I was with her. Would she be happier?

I just don't know. I just know that so many things remind me of her it kills sometimes. I could almost say practically anything. I dream about her. I imagine her sleeping with me. Imagine holding her and kissing her. At the end of the day though it's all just a memory. You never really know what you have till you lose it. And in this case it's all my fault. I am the device of my own suffering. She didn't help though. I can now honestly say that if she just didn't hookup with someone I know while we were broken up I would be with her right now. I would have tried my hardest to get her back. I know it's pathetic but it's true.

At the end of the day she did though and I really don't know what to even do. It's like I'm stuck in this horrible place and I can't get out of it. I feel like I'm being suffocated. All I want is for her to walk through this bed room door. Alas it'll never happen, so the dreams will continue and that is what they will ever be.

Spinning

Rusty

Trust is starting to become a big issue in my life. People that I invest emotion to is a big deal. I use to trust mostly anyone but lately that seems to change. People say things and will do something else. Or they'll just go behind your backs and never talk to you about it. I've been hurt from time to time in my life and that has left me much more skeptical about if there is good in man.

I'm not saint nor do I pretend to be. I do manipulate people from time to time and I get the most out of something if I can. I can get into people's heads and really get them angry or hate me. It's not a talent I'm proud of because it definitely leads to relationship issues. I do most things because I want to see a reaction though. I'm mean to someone so they step up and be mean back to me. Ignore someone to see if they give me attention. I'm sarcastic to someone who is serious.

People who are legit stiffs are what really get me going. Some people just go about life feeling like that if they don't do this they won't be happy. I'm pretty sure being happy is how you make it and the people around you do that. A couple years ago I made it my job to make my fraternity better. I went out there rushed my butt off and got some solid guys. Then I got more and in turn those guys got more solid guys. Next thing I know I'm in the best fraternity on campus. It wasn't just me but I'm responsible for close half the chapter in joining the fraternity. No one else can say that in this fraternity. I'm proud of it because I seeked better people around me and I got it. Durward Owen once said, "Great men surround themselves with greater men." Thats what I want to do all my life.

Hopefully these men are the type of guys I can trust though. I'm not gonna just throw my emotions at everyone because they will hurt you. For certain. Not everyone is responsible enough nor care about someone to realize what they can do to someone. I think they are good people in this world and at the end of the day I would like to think I'm on the greener side of the fence. I might say somethings that are mean but I'll never actually do anything mean. I lookout for my friends and trust them to do the same. I think at some points I might care more about them then they care about me but I'm sure it fluctuates. I need more rocks in my life, people who I can trust to talk to. I don't have many of those and it's an effort to do so. Maybe my newest rock will be a girl, who knows. Just gotta make sure to look under each one to make sure they are right.

Spinning

A couple of days ago...

I got yucky all over the place. It was a pajama party so naturally I dress up like John Belushi from animal house. Had the dress shirt under and college sweater over. So back to the yucky factor. I got really fucked up and drank close to a liter of Southern Comfort and a 40 oz. So I finish all my booze and just wonder into the dance floor and next thing I know I'm grinding up again this blond. I don't know her name or anything, hell I couldn't even tell if she was hot. Next thing I know I'm making out with her on the dance floor of the house. Like hardcore making out and grinding. We do that for like 15-20 mins and all of sudden it just kinda of ended. I was really drunk so my ability to close on the situation was pretty poor. None the less I finally got with a girl even if it was high school shit.

So I go from there to here, not literally here because I'm on the can, but I think you get what I'm saying. Do I go after this girl now or not. I didn't even know her name, someone had to tell me. Hell I didn't even know she was good looking till a brother said she was cute. Her ass was awesome, I know that. Back to the main point though, how would I best go about getting with this girl or should I? I feel like if I just start talking to her she'll realize it was me but I'm not really sure. I wouldn't have known if no one told me. I guess I'll figure it out or something... haha. I just don't even care that much but it felt really good. I'm gonna try harder to get with girl, if it means this one or others I don't really care anymore.

In other news my ex tried to add my Rush Pi Kapp account on facebook. I don't really understand how she doesn't think I do that account. I'm the Webmaster of the fraternity and she knows that. Oh well stupid is what stupid does.

Weather is finally changing which for me is bad for my health. As soon as it gets cold outside I start to workout less. For that very reason I'm going to run today before all the football games really get started. I need to get back under 170. 175 is just a little to heavy for my taste. I don't really want to stop my bad habits though so I guess I'll just have to work out more.

I'm doing ok in school as of right now. I could be doing better so I'm just gonna have to crank it up a notch in the coming weeks. Luckily this week I don't have too much to do. Just one test that I'm going to study my booty off for. Not today though haha.

I guess my last bit of news is that Georgia Tech (not the school I go to) is still undefeated but they looked pretty bad in doing so yesterday. Tevin really was having trouble hitting his passes, if he had the score would have been bad. Michigan is undefeated so I guess my grandpa is smiling somewhere. GSU is playing like a second year team.

Thats all I got for now....

Spinning

Healing

Like any wound it eventually heals but does that mean you ever regret getting it in the first place? Imagine your running into a brick wall and you know it's going to hurt you but you do it anyway. The scrapes and bruises one gets from the wall are just minor pain but the lasting impression is the scar. I still wonder to this day if I made the right decision. I knew what I was doing would mess me up in yet I did it. I think back and wonder why? I know I wasn't happy with the way things were but at the same time I'm even more unhappy now. Is it because I'm slowly getting depressed?

I thought I had everything sorted out when I broke up with her. It felt awful but I knew in the long run it would be for the best. I'm starting to think otherwise. You never really know what you have till you lost it. Now I'm searching for someone new and it's just not working. I feel like I'm sick most of the time and I know I'm depressed. My mom asked me what the problem was on sunday and everyone makes comments like, "you look tired or whats the matter?" I haven't talked to anyone about this because the one person I have ever trusted my feelings with has been exiled out of my life.

I guess what kills me the most is that I hear she's "hanging" out with one of my fraternity brothers. I don't know what they are doing and honestly I would love never to know. If I could redo the past would I have ever broken up with her? Yes, but would I have remained broken up? That's the million dollar question. I can't change anything that has been done but it doesn't mean that I wonder. I wonder right now if she was on my bed with me and I was studying and watching the game and she was doing likewise. Then we would watch netflix and call it a night, holding each other closely. All the problems we were having for the most part was where I was living and she was. Now I have a car, parking pass, and house. Pretty ironic....

Am I just being pathetic? I broke up with her in late march and it's almost October. It took me so long to realize me missing her. I thought just forgetting her existence would make things better but I really couldn't. Something's missing in my life. Also my acne has been flaring up since around summer time. Which I don't know what to do. The stuff I used to do isn't working anymore. So my self esteem is rocketing downwards too.... When I go into my room I really don't ever want to leave it. I'm too worried what people will think about me. I just want be left alone. The only person that ever made me feel right is now gone. She didn't care about anything, she just loved me. What was I thinking... God I miss her sometimes.

Spinning

Who?

I need to refocus my efforts not on the past but my future. I look to much at what has transpired and not enough what will and at the end of the day only I can make my future. I want to find a girl pretty badly. I'm not going to even be very picky on the matter. I just want something to rely on and hold at night. I don't want to date anyone though and I'm not the type of guy that just can start hooking up with random girls. I'm not good at it and nor do I feel comfortable doing so. Also lately I have been breaking out so I don't feel the most confidence going up to a girl and hitting on her. I don't even like writing about it on here actually...

I need to start looking around or I'll never get better. I'm seriously hung up about my ex and I know it. I just miss her so much right now.... And she'll never know. I hate that she is secretly seeing on of my fraternity brothers. Just makes me feel even more shitty.

Just need to get out there and meet new girls.

Spinning

I can't stop

Wasted Post...