Just feel like typing

I'm just going to type what comes to my mind, I don't have any plans in editing this or having much of a directions, at least on purpose.

I suppose I'm starting to lose faith in my chances with this girl. I think the whole situation and play it back in my mind. I meet her at party, I remember her name. Start talking to her, next thing I know she is in high school and has a bf. It sounds pretty bizarre but that really just the beginning of it.

I ended up liking her, at first I was doing this purely because, well to put bluntly, I nothing better else to do. She was really cute and pretty and I was lonely and bored. I talked to her for a good month really and during that time we both began to fall for one another. Turns out she was no longer with her ex bf which finally gave me the ok. I went for it and thought I did a good job. I took her out to a braves game, we held hands and kissed on the warm summer night. I remember her skin and how soft it was, I of course, was sweating like a pig. Irish folk don't do well in the summer, at least when it comes to perspiring.

It didn't seem to faze her though and she seemed like she was having a great time. Little did I know that would be the first and last time I kiss her. It was such a bittersweet parting kiss, I could tell she still was upset about the her ex bf. Something was off and then she didn't text me at all afterwards. Next thing I know her ex bf has lost his marbles and is being abusive to her. He takes her phone and makes her write me some mean text saying we can't talk again.

I'm crushed at work back at Turner Field. Just one night ago I was really happy, 24 hours later I'm blown away. I told myself that day, though, that I wasn't going to give up. I still keep telling myself that. I don't want to lose faith in her but it's difficult sometimes, when you never see her.

So that day I marked it down on my calender, 6/20. That would be the next date I try to contact her. I was patient and didn't break myself down. In year past I wouldn't have waited but this time I was careful and precise. 4/20 was the first day we met and on 5/20 we hung out in person again, so I thought this would be really romantic little move.  For the time being it was a good move, we talked for a week or so and then once again her ex bf begins to act out and this time he goes off the deep in. This goes on for a couple of days and I don't hear anything from her. We talk on the 4th and a little of the 5 and that is the last I heard from her.

I don't know what to think honestly, I'm really starting to doubt my chances with her. It just seems like it's not going to happen and too many things going against us. She's a lot younger then me, super religious, mom doesn't like me, ex bf going crazy, and it will be long distance. So why do I continue to hope and pray things will workout?

Well to be honest, I believe I am meant to be with her. I know that makes me an idealistic fool but it seems really right. Happiness sinks in when I talk to her, being near her is just a great feeling all the time. I love the sound of her voice and kind smile. She has an aura around her, it seems to make her glow. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met and without any doubt in my mind I want to be with her and make her happy. I want to be their for her all the way if she will let me.

Hoping and praying that things workout...

Spinning.

God Bless

God bless everything. I don't know what else to say. I'm so happy all my friends showed up on the 4th, I wish I wasn't as much of a lame duck but I'm still happy. I didn't end up drinking too much today. I might have been drunk but I was nowhere near as drunk as I use to get. And believe it or not but I honestly wish I didn't really drink at all.

I finally heard from Bailey. I have no fear in hiding her name. I love her and was concerned about her but I suppose she is ok. Her ex bf went off the deep end and tried to kill himself in a desperate attempt to get her back. I really do feel bad for the guy but at the end of the day I'm happy Bailey is ok.

I know god is looking out for her and me. All the signs just prove that way. It makes me feel so good inside and hopefully for her as well. She's such a great girl she deserves so much better then what she has gotten out of relationships. If you and her give me the chance lord I will be faithful to her. I will never hurt her and will make her happy, I'm convinced of this lord.

Thank you so much for answering my prayers and love really does overcome so many things. Like I said yesterday, I have so much love in me that I really can't really illustrate or verbalize it. If thats even a word. I'm in love and it's beautiful. I'm so happy right now that she is ok and thankful the lord protected her.

Thank you God for everything you provide for me.

4th of July conundrum

The 4th of July is today, even though it doesn't quite seem like it since it's 2 am. I have to wake up in a little more then 6 hours to go see the doctor about my knee. I suppose I have left that out in my earlier post but I dislocated my knee cap exactly 3 weeks ago today. Hopefully in 3 weeks my knee will be for the most part healed over and I can start physical therapy. 

Regardless this doesn't solve my true conundrum. The true problem is that I haven't been drunk in almost a month, June 8th was my last time I got drunk. I am proud of this streak and today being our nations birthday it is expected by many to drink copious amounts of alcohol. In fact, I am throwing a party at my place that I guess for the most part I created. 

It's more like people expect me to do things like this. They also expect me to drink. I'm worried for a couple of reasons on why I should drink, first and foremost I'm worried that I will re-injure my knee by either getting off balance or doing something entirely too stupid. I'm also worried that I'm going to slip into my old habits. Going a month without alcohol has been a great thing. Me hurting me knee in fact has been a blessing. 

At first I was angry and upset about hurting my knee but now I have so much more respect for so many people. First off, people who are handicapped, I have so much respect for you it's unexplainable. What you go through on a daily basis is incomprehensible. I use to look at people who were handicapped in disgust and when I was younger horrified. Now I just feel admiration and respect.

My mother asked me a week after I hurt my knee if I wanted to get a handicap sticker for my car. I thought about it for a little and then came to the conclusion that people who are truly handicapped should have the sticker. My temporary injury doesn't justify taking a handicapped person parking spot and to be honest I would feel awful if I had taken the last spot and someone who was handicapped had to park elsewhere. I think that was the first time when I realized what they have to go through and from there it has blossomed into admiration.

Another reason why me hurting my knee has been a blessing is that it gave me time to sober up. I was so consumed with alcohol and illicit drugs that I was almost in a trance. I couldn't seem to get out of it and it was crippling. After being sober for a month I feel so much better about my mental and physical well being. 

I had a lot of hate in my life, especially in the last year. My hate is all gone now and washed away. Some of it has to do with my new relationship with God. I would also like attribute some of it to being sober. Regardless I have such a great feeling of well being! I try to no longer use hateful words and sometimes they slip but I'm learning to hold back from old habits. Everyday I try to make myself better. I don't know if I actually am doing it but my relationship with god and my body has never been more in tuned. 

So I probably will drink tomorrow, how drunk I get will be based off how I feel, but I do not plan to slip back into old habits afterwards. I'm so happy where I am in my life and I feel like I'm going a certain direction now. 

I still haven't heard from the girl I was talking to and maybe she no longer wishes to talk to me. I could say a bunch of mean things about her and say that she is too immature but then I remember that these are hard times for her. Or at least that is how I perceive them. For all I know she could be back with her boyfriend and if she is then I hope she is happy. I love this girl but at the end of the day I wish her happiness. 

Love is a powerful word and for sometime in my life I was afraid to use it for anyone. I am now overwhelmed with love. I will remain patient for her, because I truly believe that I meant to be with her. It might sound crazy but I just know, I have known since the moment that I met her that she was special. She is the reason why I am now going this direction in my life and for that much I love her. I'm so thankful she came into my life and even if she can't be a part of it, I'm still thankful what she has showed me. 

Hate had created a hole in my heart and I spread it through my friends and family. Just as I could deliver hate, I plan to deliver love for the rest of my life. 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

1 Corinthians 13

Another day passes

I stay patient here, I have nothing else I really can do. Sometimes I get into a deep thought and will let that consume me for an hour or so. At least it feels that way. I'm not really sure if it's that long but it sure as heck feels like it. 

I guess my newest hobby among lifting weights is praying. It feels so good and right to do it now. I don't know why I haven't ever made this change in my life. I try not to be selfish. I hate being too selfish and praying about me and more about the people in my life. I make promises to god that I plan to keep. 

One thing I have come to realize is that you can't make anyone do anything, you can only simply be the best you can be and hope they accept you. If they don't accept you then that is their loss. I know this sounds cruel but human being can be cruel. I try to maintain some sort of realism when it comes to man. They are so self serving that they lose sight of one another. 

I have been attempting to watch this movie the last couple of nights called, "The Great Dictator." Charlie Chaplin is in it and for the most part play his normal role. At the end though-yes I haven't finished the movie but this is a famous scene-he talks about helping out fellow man and that we are the key to our demise and to our salvation. His speech is so moving that I really want to believe every word he says. 

I know that man might not always be good but I myself can be. We all have choices we can make. We can choose to eat the cheeseburger, dance, study, work or drink. We also have the choice to believe in His existence. We have the choice to be a good person. I have chosen this path, it has not found me. Quiet the opposite. After 23 years in my life I have found myself. 

I love my family, my friends, my religion, and her. 

Even though she hasn't talked to me since Saturday, granted it's only been a couple days, I have faith in her. I have faith in Him. I know that He cares about me and that he will lead me down the best path in life. I praise Him and know the He will guide me down the road to salvation. If that means she is in my life, then good, but if not then that is not His plan for me. 

I can only follow what I love and for now that is what I plan on doing. I love these things and tend to them like my own garden. Each bit will be treated well and I will watch them flourish. 

Spunned

Your guess is as good as mine

I know I should be sleeping right now but I can't seem to shake it. I know that it's been almost a month since I last updated a lot has happened and I just don't ever feel like talking about things when things aren't too bad. Not that these are necessarily bad times.

I suppose you remember when I said mark your calenders for 6/20? Well I made my move and texted her after about 3 weeks of not talking. She responded saying that she missed me and I was truly happy for the first time in a while. Ever since the first couple of days things have been going back and forth. She's not ready for me and I can tell. She might like me but it's not enough for her to shake her ex bf for good.

The guy has been having a lot of trouble with the breakup and I really do sympathize with him. I know how hard it can be and sometimes you feel like the whole world is just rejecting you, not because they actually are, but your whole world is. This girl is the type that becomes your whole world. She is perfect in every way.

I know this girl, I have the right feelings about her, it's not about anything but making her happy. I really do want that. I think in a good way she makes me a better person. I have been sober for so many days now I have honestly lost count. I know it's been over 3 weeks but those days are really starting to blur together. I have also recently taken up praying.

If you don't know me and I would assume that you don't I have never been the biggest on praying. I have never been much in tuned with God or Jesus but I guess I have a confession to make. On 6/20 I prayed harder then I ever have. I prayed for a lot of things, I prayed for all my family members and all the unfortunate things that happen, but mostly I prayed for her. I prayed that she find happiness and I made a promise to God that I would be not only loyal to her but to him. This really is a new leaf to my life, I fully accept Jesus Christ as my savior and truly believe in god.

God is good. I heard that all my life and now I have put my life in his hands. I know that he will lead me to great things. I know that I have to do work and that he isn't going to make it easy but the path has been laid before me. I know my path includes her. I don't know what it is that makes me so convinced. Perhaps I'm a sucker for things like this but I really believe it.

I really do believe I have changed, it honestly is weird just re-reading my words. It doesn't even really sound like me. But it is, it's the new me. Before I go to sleep tonight I will probably pray, not because I feel like it's the right thing to do, but I think someone is listening to me. The signs have been shown, my brothers is doing a lot better and she has started to talk to me once more. Even though today she hasn't talked to me I know she is there and I know that she cares for me. The same thing can be said about god, even though he doesn't talk back to me, I know he is listening. They're signs everywhere you go, you just have to be looking for Him. I know that if god really wants this to happen then he will let it happen and if this is a test then I'm going to pass it with flying colors. I will not waiver in my faith nor in my love.

These are the words of a changed man, I know that I'm not completely a good soul, I have a lot to atone for. I know at times I might falter but I will regroup with God as my witness. If God does answer my prayers then she shall eventually be mine. I know that I can make her very happy and that I will be good to her for the rest of my life.

Not Really Spinning

Get me out of here

I want to get out of this area. I hate it here. I'm not finding my future here. I want to transfer and get fuck out of Georgia State. I have nothing for me to stay. I want to get out of this nasty city and meet some real people. I'm so tired of living in the city it disgust me. I don't even live in a good part of the city.

I need to travel and get away from everything too bad summer school is starting again. I guess loosing my most recent girl has really hurt my motivation. Damn, it hasn't even been a week and I miss having someone out there thinking about me. She was perfect and I just couldn't get her. I'm gonna hold on strong and hope that she changes her mind. 6/20 is the date I'm putting on the calender so hopefully it comes together.

Spinning

Man I fell for it

As we have come to realize I don't easily date girls unless I have a good thought behind it. I always feel like I can just show the girl I'm a good decent guy and I will win but a lot of times it results in losses. I recently met a girl who just graduated high school. Yes I'm 23 and I know it's a big age gap. She did introduce herself as a student at N. Georgia. So we begin to talk and I begin to like her. At first she was the one that was falling for someone. I could tell early on she liked me.

So 3 days ago she cuts off all loose ends with her ex bf. Then the next day we go on a date to the braves game, next thing I know is she still has feelings for her ex and that I'm the unlucky benefactor of failure. I don't even want to talk about it. I got lead on really badly and then I got screwed. They always say that it's not me but I know it was. If I was good enough then all the other variables would go flying out the window. I can't seem to close well. This girl was beautiful though and probably way out of my league, I just thought she was different and would see me for who I am.

Instead I am once again at the mercy of a female. How they get this upper hand all the time is beyond me. I fucking hate it though. I just want a good person as my gf and thought it was with this one. I was once again, as I have come to accept, failed with a female.

I feel so used and lead on. Confused a little as well. And most sadly optimistic things will be ok, when I know that my chance is over.

Spinning