Another day passes

I stay patient here, I have nothing else I really can do. Sometimes I get into a deep thought and will let that consume me for an hour or so. At least it feels that way. I'm not really sure if it's that long but it sure as heck feels like it. 

I guess my newest hobby among lifting weights is praying. It feels so good and right to do it now. I don't know why I haven't ever made this change in my life. I try not to be selfish. I hate being too selfish and praying about me and more about the people in my life. I make promises to god that I plan to keep. 

One thing I have come to realize is that you can't make anyone do anything, you can only simply be the best you can be and hope they accept you. If they don't accept you then that is their loss. I know this sounds cruel but human being can be cruel. I try to maintain some sort of realism when it comes to man. They are so self serving that they lose sight of one another. 

I have been attempting to watch this movie the last couple of nights called, "The Great Dictator." Charlie Chaplin is in it and for the most part play his normal role. At the end though-yes I haven't finished the movie but this is a famous scene-he talks about helping out fellow man and that we are the key to our demise and to our salvation. His speech is so moving that I really want to believe every word he says. 

I know that man might not always be good but I myself can be. We all have choices we can make. We can choose to eat the cheeseburger, dance, study, work or drink. We also have the choice to believe in His existence. We have the choice to be a good person. I have chosen this path, it has not found me. Quiet the opposite. After 23 years in my life I have found myself. 

I love my family, my friends, my religion, and her. 

Even though she hasn't talked to me since Saturday, granted it's only been a couple days, I have faith in her. I have faith in Him. I know that He cares about me and that he will lead me down the best path in life. I praise Him and know the He will guide me down the road to salvation. If that means she is in my life, then good, but if not then that is not His plan for me. 

I can only follow what I love and for now that is what I plan on doing. I love these things and tend to them like my own garden. Each bit will be treated well and I will watch them flourish. 

Spunned

Your guess is as good as mine

I know I should be sleeping right now but I can't seem to shake it. I know that it's been almost a month since I last updated a lot has happened and I just don't ever feel like talking about things when things aren't too bad. Not that these are necessarily bad times.

I suppose you remember when I said mark your calenders for 6/20? Well I made my move and texted her after about 3 weeks of not talking. She responded saying that she missed me and I was truly happy for the first time in a while. Ever since the first couple of days things have been going back and forth. She's not ready for me and I can tell. She might like me but it's not enough for her to shake her ex bf for good.

The guy has been having a lot of trouble with the breakup and I really do sympathize with him. I know how hard it can be and sometimes you feel like the whole world is just rejecting you, not because they actually are, but your whole world is. This girl is the type that becomes your whole world. She is perfect in every way.

I know this girl, I have the right feelings about her, it's not about anything but making her happy. I really do want that. I think in a good way she makes me a better person. I have been sober for so many days now I have honestly lost count. I know it's been over 3 weeks but those days are really starting to blur together. I have also recently taken up praying.

If you don't know me and I would assume that you don't I have never been the biggest on praying. I have never been much in tuned with God or Jesus but I guess I have a confession to make. On 6/20 I prayed harder then I ever have. I prayed for a lot of things, I prayed for all my family members and all the unfortunate things that happen, but mostly I prayed for her. I prayed that she find happiness and I made a promise to God that I would be not only loyal to her but to him. This really is a new leaf to my life, I fully accept Jesus Christ as my savior and truly believe in god.

God is good. I heard that all my life and now I have put my life in his hands. I know that he will lead me to great things. I know that I have to do work and that he isn't going to make it easy but the path has been laid before me. I know my path includes her. I don't know what it is that makes me so convinced. Perhaps I'm a sucker for things like this but I really believe it.

I really do believe I have changed, it honestly is weird just re-reading my words. It doesn't even really sound like me. But it is, it's the new me. Before I go to sleep tonight I will probably pray, not because I feel like it's the right thing to do, but I think someone is listening to me. The signs have been shown, my brothers is doing a lot better and she has started to talk to me once more. Even though today she hasn't talked to me I know she is there and I know that she cares for me. The same thing can be said about god, even though he doesn't talk back to me, I know he is listening. They're signs everywhere you go, you just have to be looking for Him. I know that if god really wants this to happen then he will let it happen and if this is a test then I'm going to pass it with flying colors. I will not waiver in my faith nor in my love.

These are the words of a changed man, I know that I'm not completely a good soul, I have a lot to atone for. I know at times I might falter but I will regroup with God as my witness. If God does answer my prayers then she shall eventually be mine. I know that I can make her very happy and that I will be good to her for the rest of my life.

Not Really Spinning

Get me out of here

I want to get out of this area. I hate it here. I'm not finding my future here. I want to transfer and get fuck out of Georgia State. I have nothing for me to stay. I want to get out of this nasty city and meet some real people. I'm so tired of living in the city it disgust me. I don't even live in a good part of the city.

I need to travel and get away from everything too bad summer school is starting again. I guess loosing my most recent girl has really hurt my motivation. Damn, it hasn't even been a week and I miss having someone out there thinking about me. She was perfect and I just couldn't get her. I'm gonna hold on strong and hope that she changes her mind. 6/20 is the date I'm putting on the calender so hopefully it comes together.

Spinning

Man I fell for it

As we have come to realize I don't easily date girls unless I have a good thought behind it. I always feel like I can just show the girl I'm a good decent guy and I will win but a lot of times it results in losses. I recently met a girl who just graduated high school. Yes I'm 23 and I know it's a big age gap. She did introduce herself as a student at N. Georgia. So we begin to talk and I begin to like her. At first she was the one that was falling for someone. I could tell early on she liked me.

So 3 days ago she cuts off all loose ends with her ex bf. Then the next day we go on a date to the braves game, next thing I know is she still has feelings for her ex and that I'm the unlucky benefactor of failure. I don't even want to talk about it. I got lead on really badly and then I got screwed. They always say that it's not me but I know it was. If I was good enough then all the other variables would go flying out the window. I can't seem to close well. This girl was beautiful though and probably way out of my league, I just thought she was different and would see me for who I am.

Instead I am once again at the mercy of a female. How they get this upper hand all the time is beyond me. I fucking hate it though. I just want a good person as my gf and thought it was with this one. I was once again, as I have come to accept, failed with a female.

I feel so used and lead on. Confused a little as well. And most sadly optimistic things will be ok, when I know that my chance is over.

Spinning

SB Update

Today is the day I make some big decisions. I haven't been sober in so long that I'm not sure what is right. I could possible feel depressed because of all the alcohol I have consumed. That very well could be the problem. Regardless, I'm going sober till next thursday. Hopefully some sort of clarity will occur during this time. I need to anyways. I have a lot of test next week and if I do well on them then I should solidify good grades for the semester. I think I'm going to really start trying to get in shape too. I have been sorta doing it but it hasn't been consistent. I also need to eat a lot healthier and not so late so I'm done eating past 10 and done eating fast food.

They say the best way to attain your goals is write them down. Well hopefully I can follow through and succeed they aren't too lofty and would be good for my health and life. Last thing I need to do is work on my resume. I'm going to attack that tonight. I want an internship, not this job at Turner Field. I'm going to see what I can get. Whats the point in living if I never go out and get what I want. I'm not going to settle and I'm going to get what I want. This is my life and I'm the only one living it. I need to worry about myself and how I can succeed and be a better person. Right now I don't feel like a good person, so it's time to start changing things. Drinking only on the weekends and getting healthy are now my goals. I want to meet a girl but if that happens it happens. I'm not pressing on anything. I just want to make myself better and I'm sure things will work out. The whole world is out there waiting for me, 1 more year and I'll be their. It's time to make myself better person.

Spinning

Spring Break

As always I keep moving forward and nothing, especially life, stops. Not much has changed in my life. Girls are girls and I would like to gladly admit that I'm over my ex girlfriend. I had sex with her a couple more times but it is over. I'm done and have moved on. I don't have a girl in my life right now and I don't really know of one. Of course I have had a couple of girls express interested in me but I'm not trying to fuck around. I'm trying to find the right girl.

Months ago I thought that I just needed to have sex and meet some random girl. I have learned a lot about myself now. I don't want to push things, I don't want to settle, I just want to be happy. If I can't do that with any girl around me right now then what difference does it make.

One of my good friends in college just broke up with Fiance, who is my ex's bestfriend. Turns out she had been stealing money from her organization, about 1800. He broke it off because he didn't feel like he could trust her. I told him something the night it happened, I said to him, "Man you are 21 years of age. You have your entire life to live. So this girl ripped your heart out but you know what? Life goes on. You have many years ahead of you and many roads to go down." Obviously I'm better at giving advice when I'm drunk but I really do believe all of that. Life will move on. That is a fact.

So spring has begun and I finally think a new beginning is ready. I'm not sure where it will lead me but I'm excited. Life is full of changes and how I adapt to them will determine success. Success though is not what I'm seeking as I have made it apparent. I want a girl. Not just any girl but my girl and someone I can love and trust.

For some odd reason I think I'm going to meet her soon. Call me crazy, but I just have a gut feeling. Until then I'm just going to keep on keeping on. Got 7 days left of spring break and I'm not going to waste them on stupid blog.

Spinning

Real Life

I hooked up with my ex gf around early November. Why I did or what motives I'd rather not discuss in this post. I actually will expunge upon this topic later but I have to type this down. I got her pregnant. She miscarried yesterday and emailed me about it.