I'll update you but not tonight, tonight I write drunk

First off, I'm pretty much taking aback by the fact that people at all are reading my blog. Well I'm about to drop the god damn hammer.. My brother is an alcoholic.

I know it sounds bad. We are both emotional drunks, really. I can't stand the fact that he is where he is. Honestly he's so much smarter then me and this isn't this little brother shit. The guy is much smarter then me. SAT, IQ, what have you. It doesn't matter, he could do whatever he wanted. And here he is sitting down the hallway sucking on the pacifier that is adulthood. He is the 30 year old man child you hear about. It's not anything that is his fault, specifically. He is just part of a generation that occurred during a recession and journalism was a dieing degree. I don't know, fuck, he might be throwing up in the bathroom right now.

Has this been happening? Have I fallen asleep? It didn't feel like my eyes were shut. How am I suppose to keep an eye on someone that I use to look up too so much. He's lost responsibility. My god, the poor bustard is throwing up.  It's a horrible position to be in. To love and loathe all at once. I believe so much in the poor sonofabitch but to be honest he just lacks the gumption to sometimes pull through.  The sad truth is that he is so much smarter than me- Did I mention that? But he's marginalized life to be something so minute and miniscule that he has no appreciation. Everything no matter how small can seem very big. All the big things for some reason seem very small. He thinks he has it all figured out. He doesn't.He lies to himself, to everyone. He cheats himself as the days get darker. It's sad, truly. Everything good that has happened in his life, he has destroyed. A self defeating prophecy if you will. I found wine bottles hidden in his room, how sad...

I want to go over to his room right now and beat his ass. It's 8 am, probably the first time we are both awake thinking about the same time since it was Christmas when we were children. Back then it was about presents, now it's about the very balance in his life.

He's out of his room again, pretty sure he didn't sleep all night. I could hear prior rustling in the kitchen. It's about to happen. My parents are about to talk to him. I told them they need to. It's time for him to be confronted. They're fears, his, meeting together. It's time to talk about the future. I wish I could be there. I would do a lot of talking. I first confronted my parents a couple years ago saying he might have a problem. How little did I know. Sadly, my brother's relationship with me is distant an aloof. I'm part to blame but he's bigger. He's never opened up to me once and I have multiple times. Eventually he has to. When he comes to terms with his problems. Never mind, the talk didn't happen. They're afraid. I think we all are. I know I am.

Spinning worried

Not a life Recap

It's been over 4 months since I last wrote something. I don't know what to really say. I feel like the whole world is about to fall on me. I just don't seem to be me anymore. I'm losing who I am. I thought I had good plans in life but in reality I don't have a clue on what I need to do. I have no plans for after graduation, nothing. I'm scared and it's really hitting me hard. I just want to have some certainty in my life but right now I have nothing for sure.

Nothing I do works the whole way. I'm starting to let my anger and anxiety get the best of me. I've repressed it for so long and now it's really hurting. I miss my old girlfriend every day. I'm starting to see the hole that was left and I just can't seem to fill the void. I have no love in my life right now, not just with people but with everything. I'm just going through the motions.

Not even Spinning.

Binders Full of Woman

How can one be so stupid to reply in such a dumb insecure way. It's like he was trying to prove himself to the American's that he isn't a bad guy way too hard. I'm not too far from that either, really. I swear I can get myself in a situation that you try to avoid withe a whole heart. But it never seems to truly work, though. Everything shortens and tightens up when it comes. A tense feeling goes down my neck. I can feel it come crushing down like rupturing waves smashing against my skull. It feels so heavy, so dark.

I wanted to be happy but lately I can't seem to be. I feel so depressed, I have no one I can really talk with. Also I hate letting people down so I just wait till the last minute to say I can't do something. It's like I'm turning into Alex. I fear this so much, god wouldn't be so cruel. I love my brother but I am not him. We are very different in many, many ways.

I followed his footsteps every step of the way. We use to spend countless hours playing against one another in basketball. Hours of anger, angst, an anguish for yours truly. At some point around 11 I had caught up with him. I was faster, quicker, higher jumper and could shoot lights out sometimes. That was the first time in my life I knew that I could beat my brother. I kept following him, all the way to college. I was a good little brother, I tried so hard to be because I knew I was pretty rotten when I was young. That year, my senior year high school that is when we both saw each other equals. For the first time I wasn't just little old David. Shit, I'm sure if he hung out with me ever he would end up calling me by my last name. I swear everyone ends up calling me that, even girlfriends.

I don't know what it is but there's something about that last name that sticks with people. I honestly don't know why but people love that name. Suppose I like it. It shows my heritage, it's a little rough sounding though. I'm gonna pass out, if someone actually read this I"m sorry for all the errors.

Night of grandeur disappointment

I thought I knew where I would be this time today, I thought  I would be holding her in my arms in her crappy little tiny bed, instead I got no responds. I didn't push envelope, I know. I thought she might be sleeping or something. Afterwards I always wonder though. Maybe I should have called her and asked, I just assumed she didn't feel up to courting me around the campus while she was sick. I hope that is the case. I wonder how she got to the hospital last night. I bet that might be an answer to my problems. Another guy in the picture, it seems to happen all the time with her.

It doesn't threaten me because I know at the end of the day she'll love me over some other guy but she is easily enthralled by random guys. I know she doesn't see me much so I can understand why. Hopefully one day I can see her everyday.

I want her to be my wife one day. I'm almost positive, I know that it's a big leap for my mental psyche but my feelings are pretty adamant. I might be way to drunk to be writing this but I just want to believe in my gut. She is the most special person in the world to me.

Spinnnnnnning.. 

Me getting in trouble

I, acknowledge that on 22^nd of August 2012 omitted/withheld evidence of an investigation with my student organization, Beta Kappa Chapter of Pi Kappa Phi. I accept the charges that I broke outlined in our student code of conduct III A. 12, “Making any false statements or misleading information, including by omission, to University official or committees.” I have great remorse over the decisions I have made over the last couple of months and my lack of compliance with the University. I plead guilty and apologize for the inconvenience that I have brought to the school, specifically Dr. Robison. I’m willing to take full responsibilities with my actions and understand the upcoming repercussions.

Late night

I'm back to drinking a whole lot. I know that doesn't come to much of a surprise for some of you, especially the ones that know me of any consequence. I love my whiskey and that was my choice.

So to the meat of everything is that she called me last night, texted me a ton and I hardly gave her any attention. And she freaked out and started worrying that I was ignoring her. I think I know I can play this game better now. Because it's 100% game for her.

It's whatever to be honest, I got my health and my dashing good looks and thats all a guy like me needs. Aviento..

Spinning

No your right...

I knew we weren't talking, So silly of me to think anything otherwise. Because I always talk to girls on facetime right before I go to sleep or I always go to various places around Atlanta just to see you.

I get what I am, I'm the phone call to get instructions to Atlanta, talk about crazy ex bf with or the one that you only hangout with in groups. I'm your ticket to a fraternity party with your best friend who goes to the same school as me. No, it's very clear what I am, I just needed some validation.  Good bye.

I feel like that is the meanest thing I could write to her. I know it's not the right thing to do but do I want to. I know that by typing it would end all chances of ever talking to her again. But you know what I am hurt and I'll admit that. She played with me, again.

I mean why the fuck would she call me her my gf jokingly that one time. And WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE ASK ABOUT DATE NIGHTS AND FORMALS? What a little fucking brat. I honestly don't like her one bit. Not even the slightest. I'm just so upset I ever convince myself that this girl was right for me. She is just a fucking tease. I'm obviously not what she wants, that is why I'm in the friendzone.

I just can't believe she says that crap to me. What the hell else am I suppose to think?? I'm so pissed off right now, this is just some of the biggest shit of my life. I didn't know we were talking, I just thought we were friends. All we fucking did was talk! Do you honestly think I want to be friends with someone who I have feelings for while she doesn't care one bit? I mean she has literally ignored my comments to her. I have to her face told her that I liked her and she says this crap? Don't play dumb. You just wanted to keep talking to me because you felt bad and didn't want to hurt my feelings at all. So you started talking to me less and less and to another guy. But you talked to me just enough not to have my feelings hurt. Just enough for me not to start thinking anything was up.

Now you got caught and your playing dumb. It's ok though, I don't care one bit as long as you are happy, just be happy knowing that I'm no longer your "friend."

NEXT!